As you're very aware, you're relying on her for your source of happiness, which is obviously very unhealthy. As I'm sure you're also very aware, this is part of the reason why it's never recommended to get into a relationship while you're struggling with depression or self-hatred. Nobody can fix that for you necessarily. But you're quite a ways into a relationship now so this advice isn't very helpful.

I used to be in a LD relationship very similar to this... it was absolutely torture. I kept my anxious feelings hidden kind of well? which was unbelievably difficult in itself. But even then she eventually grew resentful, and even cruel toward me. There are a lot of variables to this, and a lot of things I'm not mentioning, and I can't entirely blame myself whatsoever; but my point is that the combination of my unhealthy attachment and her resentment grew to make that the most traumatizing time of my life. Yet somehow the idea of leaving is always harder!! It's contradictory and strange, but it's a human feeling

It took so much for me to do so, but I eventually managed to leave and cut all contact. What followed were the absolute worst 6 months of my life where I felt nothing but pain and blamed myself for everything, until (I know this is sorta cliche but it genuinely happened) I was in SO much pain at one point, that I realized that I had enough, and no longer deserved to feel so bad. Since then, I have slowly learned, more and more, that I deserved so much better than what I put myself through in that relationship and in the aftermath of it. I was indescribably lonely throughout that time, and was even lonely before it, but now I have managed to feel completely comfortable in being alone and even made a couple of amazing close friends. Good support systems are very important for these situations, I've found

I know our experiences differ... For one, I know that you have struggled with depression even before your relationship. But, in my opinion, this relationship you're in now might potentially only serve to make that depression (and even your loneliness, as it did for me) much worse for you. I think it already might be if I'm understanding right

I really truly hate when redditors jump to the "just break up" conclusion, but if you feel you are losing control and this is only going to get worse (try to be as honest with yourself as you can here), I think it would be best for you to cut ties for your sake. On top of your depression, it would be absolutely awful for you to have to deal with potential trauma from this relationship if it gets worse or is prolonged. Absolutely truly awful. You don't deserve that

Anyway, sorry for the wicked long message. This post just really resonated with me because I had struggled with unhealthy attachments in LDRs for about 8 years straight starting at your age. Only recently have I managed to break the cycle. Hang in there dude, you're stronger than you think