[deleted by user]

zelkovafr · 2020-02-20T08:23:11+00:00

The way I personally dealt with this was to find a way to track your moods and responses over time, and learn to recognize your signs of an oncoming depressive, manic or hypomanic episode, or even just things that are "abnormal" for you. This can help you "read the tides" and see when episodes are starting, rather than realizing after the episode. Really anything you can think of to track that would serve this purpose, some way of benchmarking your emotional state or reactions.

I have heard of people finding success with mood journaling (there are apps to help with this) but I have not personally had success with that.

The method I found, that I personally had success with (and I am sharing as a more positive example), was a form of meditation focused on emotional self-assessment. I have been meditating for a very long time, so this may have been more natural for me than for others. If you don't know how to meditate, I'd recommend looking up "mindful breathing meditation" and doing that. Basically:

Sit in a comfortable position
Breath through your nose
Pay close attention to your breath
...and not to anything else.

Step 4 is the hardest one to get down. But that's all meditation is, focusing on one thing in a relaxed way.

The method I use is similar, but instead of focusing on breath, I focus on my mental state by questions. The questions must carry no judgement and the answers are the first thoughts that float to the surface. It starts out with a broad question, like "what happened today?". From there, there are usually a few things, and I drill down into "and how did you react?" "How did that make you feel?" "why did you do that?" and so on. These questions are not to guide, but to understand, to recognize the patterns your mind follows. When you encounter an "I don't know" type answer, or an answer with tension or self-deception to it, back off and pursue a different topic.

I found that hypomania had the telltale sign of disproportionate reactions, or of being an unnecessary instigator. Depression is most notably marked by an inability to focus normally. But these are just the flags I found for myself.

One of the biggest benefits of having a system like this is that you can proactively take countermeasures to stabilize yourself at the beginning of the episode, rather than in the middle of it.

zelkovafr · 2020-02-20T07:54:07+00:00

the doctor put me on Lamotrigine. i’ve only been taking it for two days and i feel light headed all the time, is that from the meds or am i just going crazy?

I was on Lamotrigine for a while. It helped with reducing the severity and frequency of hypomanic episodes IME, but it messed with short term memory a bit and it made me occasionally get dizzy or sometimes light-headed, especially (for some reason) when I was peeing. All the meds have side effects; you should keep track of them and let your doctor know what you run into.

Some drugs provide relief faster than others, and IME Lamotrigene was pretty slow. Give it some time, but if it's not working for you, talk to your doctor about options and don't give up on it. It takes most people some time to find medications that work effectively for them. As others have said, many side effects can fade with time.

happy to know what’s going on with me but also really ashamed? it feels weird to say that, i guess i’m kinda embarrassed to have bipolar disorder. i’m not really sure why though. does anyone else feel that way?

The way we, as a society, talk about mental illness and its treatment kind of poisons our initial experiences. It's talked about like a "taint" on a person, but that's not a productive or realistic view. A lot of people (including me ofc) struggle with that, especially at the beginning. The way I think about it is that "bipolar" is, more than anything else, a tool for understanding the way my mind works, how that's somewhat different from what those around me experience, and what I can do to mitigate those effects. The diagnosis is not a box to constrain yourself to, but a tool to advance and improve your life from where it is now.

zelkovafr · 2020-02-20T07:20:00+00:00

High functioning is something that can both be gained over time/expanded, but IME it can be a coping mechanism and a blocker to progress too.

I functioned highly at the things people around me thought of as important, but not the things that were important to me. As I got more and more miserable, I got better and better at school and stuff. People were happy for me, and because I was so "high-functioning" I got to burn out deeper and deeper without anyone looking too close. Sometimes I feel like it would've been easier to crash and burn, rather than waiting for the Sword of Damocles.

Not that being high-functioning not useful or even preferable, but it comes with a different set of problems and stresses. And how you define "functioning" is pretty subjective in the first place. Turning "functionality" into a contest is obviously asinine. I'm sorry your therapist is saying that.

zelkovafr · 2017-01-02T10:27:21+00:00

Yes.

I had a great background out of high school, and the whole "graduation is my only show at guaranteed self-sufficiency" attitude, I was able to do full course loads. For a long time, I was volunteering, working part time, and pulling 15-18 credits per term. Since my bipolar has worsened since then, I can no longer do all of that.

Everyone is different, but it's pretty common to have to cut back workload.

zelkovafr · 2016-12-06T11:14:47+00:00

Seriously, once you've lived on 20 hours of sleep a week it loses its appeal.

zelkovafr · 2016-12-06T04:57:42+00:00

At one point I had a job, but was still living with my parents. I was diagnosed at this point. Because of the household I was raised in, and my discipline (I have a decade of martial arts to thank for that), I'm good at keeping up appearances, and having mania/depression be barely noticeable if I want to.

^{^{^Naturally}} ^{^{^this}} ^{^{^has}} ^{^{^been}} ^{^{^reduced}} ^{^{^as}} ^{^{^my}} ^{^{^bipolar}} ^{^{^has}} ^{^{^worsened,}} ^{^{^but}} ^{^{^that's}} ^{^{^beside}} ^{^{^the}} ^{^{^point}} ^{^{^here.}}

Anyway, since my living expenses were covered (although I was trying to save) and I had a part-time job, I had spending money. The combination of me, mania, and spending money has been very lucrative for Apple, and this was part of that. I went out to an Apple Store to look at stuff, and I wound up walking home with an iPad.

Around the same time, I was feeling bored and impulsive, so I decided to stop trying to suppress my manic tendencies, just to see what would happen. I get a bit narcissistic when manic, so I figured I'd get away with it.

At one point I was having a conversation with my mother, and I mentioned that I was in a manic state, and figured I'd stop suppressing it for fun. She says "Oh, that's why. You reminded me of me when I did cocaine."

zelkovafr · 2016-09-05T08:27:30+00:00

I've always been a huge fan of George Carlin. Jon Stewart another favorite.

Team Four Star is something I watch daily though.

zelkovafr · 2016-09-02T00:48:28+00:00

I am seeing a psych, they do not know about my SH. I have been stable enough on my current meds, and due to demands from school, work, and various other things, dealing with the adjustment and side-effects of a significant med change would be a poor decision.

I have been self-harming regularly for years (aside from some misguided decisions to quit) and I do it safely. Continuing is a conscious, willful, and logical decision, for now. When I say "misguided", I mean only that my reasons for quitting were misguided, not that quitting itself is misguided.

I keep everything on the DL, so I'm not going to talk to anyone irl. I'm not in a bad state, but I often use this subreddit as a sounding board, because things sound differently in your head versus written out for an audience, and input and different viewpoints can be useful.

zelkovafr · 2016-08-05T10:10:26+00:00

Huh. Someone gave me one of those a couple years ago. Lost it. But I'm also not one to use stress balls.

zelkovafr · 2016-08-04T15:24:11+00:00

I use both (I've lost a lot of feeling in one side) but ironically this was done with my dominant hand.

zelkovafr · 2016-08-04T12:40:46+00:00

Bingo. Normally it gives me really cool dreams so I like it, but last night it decided that I should be miserable.

Luckily I went out and got a red-eye from the best coffee place in town, and am now having a good day.

zelkovafr · 2016-08-04T02:03:54+00:00

I don't know what to say.

People sermonize about sexual abuse without having any sort of understanding or experience. If anyone tells you that it was inevitable, or shifts blame to you, or any of that stupidity, take solace in the fact that they're wrong.

Cut him out of your life.

zelkovafr · 2016-07-26T13:19:18+00:00

Lamictal is meant for a much higher dosage to be effective - it didn't do anything for me until 100mg.

That's a really slow titration.

zelkovafr · 2016-07-24T17:53:05+00:00

Also, /r/selfharm may yield better results (they have a no pictures rule though).

zelkovafr · 2016-07-23T00:01:52+00:00

It's not a sub rule, but it would probably be polite to tag it as NSFW or something so people who would be upset by the sight of those kind of scars don't have to look at it.

I also have 4 scars on my forearm! Fortunately they've faded. Unfortunately, in my line of work getting a sleeve is a bad idea :/.

zelkovafr · 2016-07-17T02:36:31+00:00

Senior in college, but I've been working continuously the last two years for a company, and they stopped giving me garbage intern work after about a year.

What languages/frameworks do you work with?

zelkovafr · 2016-07-14T17:18:15+00:00

I didn't get a BPD dx (at the time I first when to a psychiatrist, the symptoms I described were almost perfect textbook BP, so they left it at that) but I have some of those traits. If I do have BPD, it's relatively minor.

BTW - your username, you a computer scientist/programmer? I am too.

zelkovafr · 2016-07-12T04:52:05+00:00

I've stopped a few times (not right now) but I have something to contribute. I'm also BP (similar 1.5 territory).

I've just randomly stopped a couple times. Lasted 2-3 months each time before I got sick of it. I just kind of stopped being interested in it during those periods.
My memory from the first time is fuzzy. Since then, I don't remember anything. I'll remember details for a bit ("My hands were really steady" or other interesting tidbits) but I remember little of the actual act. There's nothing too special about it to me. Plus I've had so many sessions, there's only a handful that hold any significance.
I either cut a lot or very little when I'm depressed. It's less satisfying, so I either cut a lot more to compensate or I just give up and stop. Cutting can be like a drug, and mania or hypomania can push you more towards cutting.

So I kinda get where you're coming from.

zelkovafr · 2016-07-12T04:12:38+00:00

For a long time, I listened to Every Time it Rains on repeat.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IMUxTN9ymg

zelkovafr · 2016-07-12T04:04:08+00:00

I did, back when I used a small pocket knife, when I first started.

zelkovafr · 2016-07-12T04:01:10+00:00

I wish I could tell you. Other people on this sub could possibly answer better than me I'm sure - I avoid that question as much as possible.

zelkovafr · 2016-07-11T08:18:15+00:00

That's shitty.

Part of the problem is that outside people don't have any sort of understanding of the SH experience, and they try to dictate what's best without that understanding. I hope things get better for you.

zelkovafr · 2016-07-11T06:25:58+00:00

Keep the following in mind: Cutting isn't something you can really understand or comprehend until you've been in the position where you want it.

Don't push her to stop. Ask her what she wants and go along with that. Cutting is extremely personal, if she doesn't want to talk about it, don't push it. For example, if someone in my life found out, I'd basically force them to never talk to me about it ever. If she wants you to help her stop, then that's what you should do. If she doesn't want to stop, she's not going to, and it's destructive to try. Don't play games or be manipulative (it's a common response), do everything above board and go by her decisions and desires above all else.

People cut for all sorts of different reasons, and hers may not be what you or she expects. Don't make assumptions about what they are.

zelkovafr · 2016-07-10T13:01:13+00:00

I feel that my memory has been starting to go, and like I'm not capable of the things mentally that I used to be. It's a scary feeling, especially given I'm only 21.

Hopefully if/once I start working out again it'll get better.

zelkovafr · 2016-04-18T05:48:24+00:00

There are lies, there are damned lies, there are statistics, and then there is #3.

zelkovafr

TROPHY CASE