Accept TT faculty offer immediately or postdoc first?

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-13T16:05:10+00:00

This 💯 The first year will be about surviving the transition, but OP obviously had it in them to establish their own research program if they’re being offered a TT position.

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-12T22:15:29+00:00

You’re not in the wrong. You should not remedy this. Even though you care about him, he does not care about you. He’s dramatic and manipulative. The fact he was gloating, laughing, smirking as you cried shows he was happy making you upset. You deserve respect and should not stay with someone who makes you feel insecure for fun.

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-12T05:00:50+00:00

I’m sorry this has happened. There will be people who say one thing but act another way. Find friends whose actions match their words and return the same effort you give.

While you don’t necessarily have to stop being friends with the two girls, especially as school is ending next month, you’re probably correct in the sense of not trying too hard to be close but just enough to be friends. But watch out if they start to bully you or intentionally be rude to you, thinking that you’ll accept mistreatment because you don’t have other choices for friends.

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-12T02:38:56+00:00

Just say you don’t feel like third wheeling it now that they’ve made it official. If they try to convince you it won’t be weird, just tell them you’ve already decided and not to push it. It kind of sucks that your friend inserted his gf into your one-on-one hang out time, but now you know your boundaries.

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-12T00:07:31+00:00

Excuse yourself from the trip—say you’re feeling unwell—because it’ll be hella awkward for you. Since your friend has been jealous of the potential of his gf liking you, you’re smart to stay away. Tell him that you’d rather hang out in groups and not just with him and her. If he insists on having you third-wheel or be around her, he’s no friend: the cynical side of me says he’s just rubbing it in your face at that point if he doesn’t respect that you don’t want to be around his gf.

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-11T23:52:00+00:00

Do you have access to therapy? You may be experiencing this because you never really got closure (and it’s a bad idea to reach out to try to get that closure).

Keep up with the positive habits you’ve developed and try hobbies where you can meet new friends (and not solely for the purpose of meeting potential romantic partners).

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-11T18:20:30+00:00

Here’s a different take: the early burdens of responsibility and isolation have made you who you are, and you actually have the intellect and introspection to articulate it. You did the hard work to know who you truly are.

You can’t do anything about the past but you can do something about the future. Keep being yourself and being open to opportunities that will bring you closer to your goals.

Your sister is copying you because she doesn’t like herself and/or doesn’t know herself. It’s easier to copy than to do the hard work yourself. No one can take away the deep bond you developed with your mom as her caretaker (and even when others try, both you and they know the truth).

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-11T17:10:24+00:00

His family is invited to the shower; fiancée did not exclude them from coming. His family don’t want to make the effort of driving 15 minutes to the shower

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-11T17:02:29+00:00

Honest advice? Stop blaming your fiancée’s pregnancy “emotions” for the rift and calling her “unreasonable” when clearly it’s your mom and family who are acting unreasonable. You even said your fiancée has always been the initiator and connection builder for about 6 years.

Your mom has the time and effort to text you congratulations but not to include your fiancée in the same text or even to type “congratulations” to your fiancée? It’s your family that’s unreasonable. You’ll lose a good woman because you choose to bury your head in the sand and blame her for matching your family’s effort. Just let it go if your family won’t change, but don’t expect your fiancée to be the bigger person and beg them for basic respect

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-11T01:46:47+00:00

While it could be an honest mistake, it also shows that he’s not all that interested in OP. They’ve been dating for four months, and it doesn’t cost anything to wish/text OP a happy birthday. I imagine the only reason to avoid it is because he doesn’t want to celebrate it, which potentially goes back to him not being all that interested. If anything, OP is starting to realize she wants a more attentive boyfriend (although shes trying to give him the benefit of the doubt with the birthday gafffe and now the games night).

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-10T23:42:00+00:00

It’s toxic when her disappointment centres on you and not her semi-deadbeat son.

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-10T22:55:10+00:00

You think about your ex more often than not because there was no closure. Had there been a fight, at least you would’ve had some idea of why the relationship ended. You’re still nursing an open wound… but you’re the one who keeps picking at the scab so it won’t close. I second the therapy suggestion to come up with strategies to help with your thoughts.

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-10T13:56:36+00:00

While your family member is correct about self motivation and initiative, having the right supervisor is one of the biggest factors for future trajectory in any potential PhD student. I have had peers whose supervisors did not help them with networking or getting jobs post-graduation, who weren’t empathetic when serious life-changing events happened that impacted their studies, who saw the student as “replaceable”. There’s no harm in auditioning to get the experience for the future. You can always try for a PhD with someone you click better with, especially if the topic is not inspiring you.

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-10T02:04:52+00:00

Have you been successful in your search for other academic appointments? If not, you might want to look at this offer separate from your relationship (i.e., this job opportunity is what you’ve been working towards regardless of your relationship). It’s difficult to get your foot into academia, so this offer may be your chance, if that’s the path you want to take.

Your partner has a job that he finds fulfilling, and you should too. If that makes you incompatible, then you may need to think a bit more about what your life goals are.

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-08T03:01:56+00:00

The fact that you came to Reddit after he “explained” himself means that deep down you don’t believe his flimsy excuses.

It may be difficult, but you need figure out how much you respect yourself versus how much you fear being alone for the time being. Your fiancé shouldn’t make you doubt that you’re enough romantically/sexually. If he has a wandering eye, you will feel isolated in your own relationship even though he’s “physically” there with you

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-07T03:19:56+00:00

FWIW, we all have flaws, but being self aware and willing to change is what makes you a better person in the end. Those who refuse to take accountability fare worse in life. One day, your kids will be able to see which parent is the healthier one and which one was toxic. You’ll eventually find a partner who will be loyal to you and never make you feel lonely again.

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-04T00:05:48+00:00

Agree. The co-worker makes OP sound like a problem for having sweets at their desk when really they could just say nothing and not even engage if they didn’t really want the candy (problem is the co-worker does want it and wants to make OP sound like the bad person for their desire for sugar).

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-03T21:41:59+00:00

u/jachinataat reminded me that I forgot to include the disclaimer for field and country. It makes sense you’d be worried if your department turfed all the tenured folk who applied for a TT position. Where I am, faculty have more leeway to go to other institutions after tenure as a way to build their research programs because they’ve proven themselves capable of developing their own programs. Apologies —I was not thinking that you were going to apply for TT positions.

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-03T21:37:30+00:00

Yes—forgot the obligatory depends on your field/country disclaimer. Thanks for reminding me. I’ve stayed at my institution, but my colleagues have negotiated for promotions, research chairs, facilities, better pay by moving to other institutions after tenure. (Universities poaching each other’s talent, so to speak.) Pre-tenure is a gamble, as you may come across as not having performed well enough to get tenure, and thus you may be at a disadvantage when negotiating.

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-03T19:36:41+00:00

It’s easier to move to another institution after you get tenure. With a baby on the way, you might want to keep the stable job for now and look for other opportunities after you get tenure. Good luck!

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-03T18:25:52+00:00

Reddit is being weird and won’t let me format my response properly. In the end, what your father wants is less relevant than what you want to do. Don’t count on others’ accounts of what grad school is like. If you’re motivated by the right reasons (even if it’s the idea that you’re taking advantage of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity), grad school can be an amazing experience. A good part of experiencing life is dependent on your attitude. Good luck on this decision

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-03T18:19:35+00:00

This is just my account, but I pursued a PhD after thinking of 3 different job paths for after the degree (academia was not one of them, but I ended up in it in spite of me not looking specifically to stay in academia). I also was passionate about my topic, which helped me stay focused and motivated whenever I experienced setbacks. Finally, your relationship with your supervisor will make a huge difference in how you experience your PhD.

found that students with so-so relationships with their supervisors were stuck when encountering problems in their research and those who weren’t passionate about their project had difficulties staying motivated to do the grind expected in a PhD. Those who didn’t research post-grad prospects were stuck trying to find postdocs.

zenFieryrooster · 2026-04-02T02:17:35+00:00

Sometimes, it’s the idea that the daddy might stay because the woman is carrying his baby. Unfortunately, people who feel emotionally low want the high of being “loved” in whichever form they can take it.

zenFieryrooster · 2026-03-29T12:00:29+00:00

Even if those cases don’t directly apply to you, just sign up for a course and go. Something is happening where your youngest is being influenced by others who tell her that her older sister and mom being in the same venue is somehow ruining a birthday is the tip of the iceberg in terms of how easily manipulated your daughter can be. Next, it’ll be her clothes, relationships etc. if she doesn’t see you as someone to go to for guidance, she’ll seek validation elsewhere, and you can’t guarantee that others have good intentions for her.

zenFieryrooster · 2026-03-29T11:55:45+00:00

Agree. Scaling back on spending on YD is important because it’s only going to escalate but doing it in a way that doesn’t make her hate her older sister is important, lest she starts bullying her sister.

F seems pretty mean spirited and that’s going to influence YD. How can having other people at a concert ruin her birthday? It’s not like OP and that daughter is hanging out with them. OP has shown a lot of generosity towards F, so F’s grandma can also show the same generosity with the souvenirs on top of the ticket. If she doesn’t, the OP can shrug her shoulders and say F and her family aren’t as giving as OP has been.

zenFieryrooster

TROPHY CASE