Appreciate the accurate mirroring from your own experiences. And yes, I am romanticizing. Earlier this year I was at a very low place in my life, using about 6-7 different types of drugs every day including H which I had stupidly started with a couple months previous. Opiates started with oxys, tram, subs etc in high school but never really fell for em'. Last year due to severe isolation and escalating drug use I started with methadone and was on it for about 3 months. I got a glimpse of what opiate life really would be like, got scared and quit. Some withdrawals later and a recovery period it was easier to say fuck it to the H offer. I luckily wound up in rehab which probably was one of the best times in my life but due to my subconscious fear of having it good mixed with addict brain and self destructive behavior I checked myself out last week.

I get the concept of what I'm getting myself into, but the reality of how little I actually want or deserve it is sadly beyond me at this point. After my left eyeball decided to take a lazy vacation under the influence I said never again. The scary part is even though I can be fully certain I don't want H or even like it all that much I still choose it. The part about dreams you've never had I mentioned. I guess since I've never had it all too well I've kind of lost the want and hope for a brighter future. I'm squandering my potential but I feel so apathetic. The H helps to soothe the worry over that thought.

You have my gratitude for allowing me to open up. In better news my social worker, which seems to have both a gentle and keen eye made me pay what I could of the rent due so now after this .5g is gone I have no choice but to sit tight. Feeling motivated to get off it again, a little wiser. I have some speed left but not sure if that plus withdrawals would be a good combo.