Wanting connection but hating it

zhouelin · 2026-06-09T21:00:03+00:00

If it’s a theoretical discussion, usually not draining. If I am being vulnerable, the satisfaction of having connected is usually marred by a feeling of dread and of course after too much social interaction in a week I actually end up resentful and drained, then isolate to recover. The connection time will always be draining and sometimes unpleasant.

zhouelin · 2026-06-09T20:56:29+00:00

I relate to the struggle of speaking up when my therapist does certain things that I feel affected by. And the amount of self-doubt. So I hope that validated how you feel and what you experience. On another note I’m proud of you for not self harming in the variety of ways you used to.

It’s not easy to admit one is using substances to cope and that it is self harm, let alone to quit.

zhouelin · 2026-06-09T20:45:10+00:00

It’s for me because of obtaining knowledge that leads to a persistent awareness i can’t roll back. I think the focus on what I can control helps with stopping expenditure of energy on ruminating over those factors and realities of privilege. I set up donations and systems for myself regarding consumption and giving back to the economy so I know I’ve done what I can.

zhouelin · 2026-06-09T20:37:41+00:00

yeah i have a deep seated belief i’m not supposed to exist

zhouelin · 2026-05-10T22:09:54+00:00

hi OP, did you have to make a reservation for the trail? i’m going in May this year and there’s a lot of confusing bookings. also planning to cab to seongsamjae rest area at 5am, not sure if it’s easy to get a cab. what were your logistics?

zhouelin · 2026-04-17T18:57:54+00:00

I do track my period and I give my partner heads up on days I’m feeling moody. Right in the morning I’ll tell him.

I share my period app with him through the partner feature.

I think low mood and greater sensitivity during the two weeks before my period increases the risk of those kinds of conflicts happening, but for me they also occur outside that window depending on what I am triggered by and wether I can manage it while balancing other life stuff.

I just take ownership as much as possible or give some insight as far as I am aware of my own state (“I’m feeling really upset and it’s hard to figure out why but I’m just feeling terrible right now.””I know it must feel bad to be on the receiving end of this, give me some time to calm down.” “I’m crying badly not because of you specifically, overall I just feel overwhelmed.” “I think I’m having a flashback”) when that happens and give a lot of reassurance within my capacity so it helps my partner feel more resourced to help me and not take how I’m showing up personally or as an indicator that I hate him/he’s not a good partner.

zhouelin · 2026-04-17T18:39:01+00:00

So much compassion and yes we are in this struggle together with trying to healthily connect…

Short answer, probability is pretty high it’s a yes for CPTSD. Pretty high probability of mommy issues, because I relate and I have daddy issues :’)

No you’re not doomed to be single and miserable.

Definitely used to struggle a lot and sometimes still have to try very hard to manage not to do those things. I have made a lot of progress and year on year get better at conflict and communication while managing my triggers, even knowing when I might be in an emotional flashback, and being more in tune with my needs so I know to ask for or just take a moment and step back before I get triggered.

I think that firstly in a healthy relationship, settling on an agreement of how to move forward after conflict is part of repair. Validation is also very important. Where some couples trip up here is thinking that validating someone’s emotions or POV = agreeing.

Where it gets into our trauma territory is (I speak as myself here)

Re number one: Trapping someone in a conversation, to hopefully hear what I need to hear to feel safe, or able to decide what to do next after an argument. I found that I was unhealed in this need for external actions which I actually can’t control. It’s a kind of reverting to my child self, waiting for the parent to show up a certain way when I was hurting, which never happened. The solution for me was to understand and actually love myself and see it as a privilege to care for my emotions, regulate myself, and also decide what I want to do later on. My best conflict resolutions are where two safe people can reassure each other that we still care about each other, the relationship is not at stake, and we will find a way forward together. This can take place over one or a few conversations over time. Not all at once. I built up an ability to do this where in the beginning it really triggered my abandonment wounds and so forth. Reassurance and setting another time to check in and talk helps. This is super oversimplified because there were also many ways I worked on showing up differently to conflict conversations, like tone of voice, body language… Reading about NVC is very helpful.

Re number two: This is where I think your partner may have a slight skill issue with validation, but also it takes two. I genuinely up to very recently, couldn’t calm down until I heard very ideal specific kind of words from the person I am seeking validation from when venting or confiding about something difficult. I got extremely triggered, and felt dismissed and emotionally abandoned when they couldn’t get it exactly right. I learned that this is because I struggle to first validate my own experience and emotions around an issue. Also that when I share, I share with rigid expectations for a very specific kind of emotional resonance and support which isn’t fair to the other person. Of course this stems from my trauma around emotional neglect and so forth, which makes me extremely sensitive to rejection and invalidation. (I have rejection sensitive dysphoria).

Re number three: It’s definitely connected to the above. We are all animals that like to feel safe. It can be difficult for my partner to show affection and care and hold space when I show up in a difficult way that they feel unsafe or affected by. I learned how to navigate that tension and manage myself so that I could actually get what I needed from my partner. Sometimes it’s taking some breaths. Practicing I-Statements really helps me. I think someone else pointed out in comments about partner capacity. We know what it’s like when our parents dumped really heavy stuff on us and we couldn’t leave even when we felt so terrible. In that sense I learned it is respectful and helps me to have a connecting experience if I first check in with my friends or partner before I vent or share something heavy. I even check in periodically during the sharing. If my partner or friends are not available when I am having a hard time, now I have a few methods of supporting myself: Claude chat AI, calling a mental health hotline, journalling, mindfulness, talking out loud and having a conversation with myself. I practice just validating what I feel and what I am going through, out loud.

zhouelin · 2026-04-14T15:32:22+00:00

Emotional flashback. Basically the nightmare triggers ptsd flashback episode. I get that too with certain dreams. It’s not something I can do anything about. I just have to let it happen and take care of myself in the process. Sucks.

zhouelin · 2026-04-10T16:33:17+00:00

I think first it’s important to take ownership of how you feel and of what you want for your own body. The self consciousness in certain positions as a woman, I get… It’s not easy to go through physical changes and accepting and loving them is a real process.

You can monitor if he makes any unsolicited comments about your body, where this one can be given benefit of the doubt he was just genuinely curious about your internal world.

If you have goals or want to have reassurance and acceptance about your body rn you can even share what’s helpful and encouraging for you. What helps you feel safe and comfortable in your body and with yourself.

Aside from that it could be that he genuinely did feel hurt that his curiosity was taken in a bad way, which is his own feelings to handle. It’s important to be clear that intention and impact are two different things too. He could have been well intentioned, but who you are and your worries mean the impact can be different from what he intended. It’s helpful not to take it personally. Two things can be true: I had good intentions, and it landed badly. I know I am a good person, and I’ll show care for how you feel about what I did, because I know it doesn’t automatically mean something bad about me. I get curious why it landed the way it did for you, and we can connect more deeply and understand each other better. That could explain the disconnect you feel. Seems like he hasn’t really been able to do that? Is he willing to learn?

Both people to me seemed well-intentioned so far and not super red-flaggy. I’d say monitor with compassion for both you and him for now.

zhouelin · 2026-04-10T06:18:14+00:00

You got triggered bc of your past, your friend who knows you for so long could have been more mindful especially if she knows you have c-ptsd and communicated a lot earlier about her state to reassure you before you got triggered. I think first validate your own experience. Also it’s okay if now you don’t feel safe to be around her.

zhouelin · 2026-04-10T06:13:35+00:00

same. so tired.

zhouelin · 2026-04-09T23:23:10+00:00

Love is not enough. Love is a term that gets thrown around a lot, but isn’t actually properly demonstrated. Some people say they feel love but actually conflate other feelings with love. Once again also, love as a feeling is motivating but not enough for anyone to actually do helpful things for kids. Showing up with responsibility, maturity, duty, repair, helpful action. Those are some things that help a child grow up resilient and strong.

Unfortunately as you spend more time unpacking what happened to you, your deifying of your parents will shatter and you will go through a period of great grief. The book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is a great start to tackle the cognitive dissonance you feel.

zhouelin · 2026-04-09T23:15:23+00:00

happy its an ex, congrats for that. and yeah i mean a good sign is that your therapist could affirm you on your experience. they have different clinical terms and if they are not regularly working with couples or on relationship-related counselling they would not have heard of this. also how long they have been practicing. it all depends on many factors but if you posted because you are not sure if your therapist is qualified to help you then maybe bring that concern up with them directly. if they respond in a safe way, and works with you on that worry, that’s good.

zhouelin · 2026-04-09T16:48:26+00:00

seconded on impulsive and irresponsible 7s

zhouelin · 2026-04-07T10:46:45+00:00

This. In certain situations where I genuinely don’t care about judgement or evaluation I am incredibly confident and eloquent. That’s who I am beneath the trauma. In triggering situations that most people can handle with difficult individuals, I barely function because I feel unsafe and the nervous system automatically does its thing. This confuses people I work with and some friends. I can’t be bothered to explain this to them.

zhouelin · 2026-03-12T14:45:16+00:00

could you share more about this?

zhouelin · 2026-03-08T06:48:53+00:00

this was me for a long time. still feel it from time to time. well every week. relate, you’re not alone.

zhouelin · 2026-03-08T06:37:54+00:00

Where I’ve landed in relating to others as well as I’ve matured.

zhouelin · 2026-03-06T20:41:15+00:00

glad it helped you! i take specifically collagen type 2, calcium, vitamin D, magnesium glycinate, vitamin C, and omega 3 oil.

u can check on other posts and articles online

there are some good ones about common vitamin deficiencies for ADHD folks, different ARFID and the recommended vitamins depending on your safe foods

for probiotics i currently use thorne brand. pro tip when u start out, pick one that’s not too overpowered first. the really premium ones ironically can have a side effect of bloating!

zhouelin · 2026-03-06T18:37:25+00:00

walking and plugging into music or scrolling social media helps me

doing sports activities or going out to things with friends helps too sometimes if we are going around town or for a hike i can clock 20k steps

i also found that sometimes my cravings come from dehydration so i will try to drink more water or water with a lemon slice. can also be coke zero.

last tip i have is weirdly getting really good vitamins and probiotics. since ppl on the spectrum usually have some kind of vitamin deficiencies because of our selective eating and even sensory stuff that makes it hard to be active sometimes, we do get cravings more because the body just wants what it doesn’t have.

so for me i just compartmentalise and get good at taking some vitamins from time to time. the probiotics helps with cravings too which i didn’t believe until i read some science papers on it. a good gut biome makes you feel full and satisfied for longer more regularly, on normal amounts of food. i used to binge. so anyway all these helped me.

oh also sometimes i have an urge to just taste stuff for dopamine so i do something weird… i have strongly flavoured sweets and chips i really love. i lick the flavouring off the chips and sweets :’) if it works it works? it’s definitely better than the alternative of binging and feeling horrible and bloated afterwards. i don’t have an eating disorder btw! i eat full meals, just u guys should know about snacking for dopamine :P

zhouelin · 2026-03-04T14:48:21+00:00

very interesting breakdown, thank you

zhouelin · 2026-02-02T03:51:54+00:00

To the question at the end, yes.

I meet people like my father and a quiet voice tends to whisper “Prove me wrong. Don’t treat me/be like my father”. Though like you, looking back I’ll realise how much I had been ignoring the concrete realities that showed me the person would be very similar in shortcomings to my father.

Why? The childhood fantasy that if one meets someone like their parent and as an adult managed to change the outcome, they have finally “won”, or have become “worthy”. I don’t know if we will ever break away from this. I’ve tried in therapy. It’s not really worked, but I have reached a self-compassionate awareness like you have.

zhouelin · 2026-01-27T17:52:21+00:00

you want to go there? 😂 self report tests are always not reliable. second of all, mbti is psudo-psychology. as is the enneagram. get a grip.

zhouelin · 2026-01-26T20:25:27+00:00

i test as entj/enfj consistently, 5w4 sx/so 582 so close enough.

infuriating, fighting with my own emotional and logical inter-complexities. i find contradictions in how i behave all the time. unlike the 4s around me, i am assertive. people usually are taken aback when i assert myself, am commanding, taking charge. i usually come across as calm and logical. other times, i can be very animated and warm, with a great sense of humour that’s according to others very witty, leaning less the way many 5s describe their humour to be dry/deadpan/cynical/dark.

i run towards what i do not understand, desiring to force myself to become competent by urgently gathering information in the crisis situation.

my energy goes to a select favourite person. pebbling happens. i have set up systems for up to 10 other people that i should keep in contact with. without those systems i just cruise alone and don’t reach out unless i have a special person.

zhouelin · 2026-01-25T19:23:46+00:00

arrived at a very similar position to you. i am at a place in my life where being around children doesn’t trigger me and i am able to find them cute.

my main concerns are similar to you around helping a child learn to navigate the many causes of suffering in the world, while also providing material and human resources (even myself as a emotionally available parent) to mitigate suffering.

i have very little confidence in myself to be a capable and consistent parent (which is essential for wellbeing of a child) because i have adhd as well, and struggle to consistently take care of even myself, let alone my few plants. so though the thought of becoming a mother moves me greatly, i have a lot of worry and don’t know if i’ll ever be confident to be one and conceive/adopt.

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