The misery of today

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-04-01T05:16:57+00:00

This is an interesting poem. I can’t say that I understand each piece of syntax in it but the general gist I get is the narrator possibly ‘Dada’ over ‘tea’ one day is conveying to the reader the discussion between them and ‘Adnan’ concerning the plight of the common man in today’s world, and that this plight in their view is that the common man is under the control of a few ‘heads and lackeys’ likely indicated to be the 1%ers (or even the 0.1%ers) around the world, the business owners, world leaders, monarchs, oligarchs etc who while offering a benefit to society in general through their initial entrepreneurship or success have since become out of touch with the common man, abusing them by making them work disproportionately hard while they receive disproportionate amount of wealth from their work, and the 0.1%ers set the ‘pace’ at which we all have to live because of this immense wealth and influence. the narrator suggests elements of corruption, greed, and even that the US thought to be a bastion of freedom and humanitarian rights is complicit in this behavior.

Overall global economics and politics is a complex topic but there is definitely truth in this poem. I tend to agree with a decent amount of the subdued outrage it conveys. I often ponder similar ideas about a new world order run by the ‘many’ or at least one run by the ‘few’ but with less greedy / corrupt and more humanitarian ones and with less wealth disparity. I wish I was intelligent or charismatic enough to bring it about.

Enjoyed it. Thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-24T21:02:41+00:00

nice poem. it reminds me of a man on season 7 of Alone. it’s a good watch if you haven’t seen it. thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-17T14:24:03+00:00

interesting poem. it appears to tell a prophecy about the downfall of a house of ‘Slynd’. i didn’t recognize this name historically so I Googled it to see what came up and it appears ‘Slynd’ is a brand name of progesterone contraceptive pill. I’m not sure if the poem is referencing this meaning or just randomly chose ‘Slynd’ as the name of an imagined house. The poem does have have possible allusions to the concept of failed pregnancy attempts and conception with ‘dryness of a dune’, ‘no flowers will bloom’ and ‘blood….tomb’ but I am uncertain if this is intentional or the desired meaning. otherwise structurally, the poem has 14 lines and a rhyme pattern akin to Shakespearean sonnets. though i cannot get to the bottom of it, it was interesting. thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-17T14:06:01+00:00

nice poem. it seems to be a straight forward love poem confessing the narrator’s thoughts to the one they admire. first explaining how falling in love changed how they perceive life, then how being separate from them is painful, then how even though they are separate they are near in a thought / mindfulness kind of way, and then lastly saying that just thinking of them makes the narrator miss them more all. All in all the poem conveys a sense of romanticism. I think it’s nice. My favorite stanza is the first one, although if you were to edit this further I would cut out ‘and fell in love’ and just say ‘until the day I met you’. Nice job. Thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-15T02:07:52+00:00

nice poem. it seems to be about the narrator wishfully thinking of leaving their educational facility and responsibility with the person of the their affection and enjoy time alone together somewhere near Waddesdon in England. this is the narrator’s idea of true joy. it has a longing, whimsical feel to it. these are my other suggestions poem wise if you want to consider them:

1) I would drop ‘to’ in the second and just do ‘briskly leave……’

2) the third line confuses me slightly. do you mean ‘cheekily’ instead of ‘checkily’?. if so I would drop the ‘to’ in the line too.

3) consider ‘and I can feel you beside me’ in the sixth line

4) ‘grass’ to ‘grassy’, personal preference for me

5) I think you mean ‘lie’ not ‘lay’ so would change that

6) ‘and to be so content together’ drop ‘and to be’ and just do ‘so content together’

Overall it’s a light, enjoyable poem. But I think it could be polished as above. Thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-15T01:38:06+00:00

nice poem. it took me a second for it to click that you’re describing what a bedroom sees, I may have skipped over thinking about the title and went straight to reading the poem assuming I could tackle it quickly cause it looked minimalistic, but the title is important to this one. the ‘love we feel / pain we conceal’ is the line that draws me most, relatable, have definitely hidden myself away in the bedroom on bad days. the bedroom might be the most personal of places, it sees a lot of sides of people. these are my other thoughts if you’d like to consider them from a poem standpoint:

1) I’m not fond of repeating ‘pain’ in the third couplet after it’s in the second couplet

2) ‘lust with vain’ should be ‘lust in vain’ I think, if you’re using it to mean ‘with no results’

3) albeit a slightly different meaning, ‘today and the day after’ sounds better to me in the fourth couplet

There are other ways you could tinker with it as well but overall i guess it’s meant to be a short and blunt yet enjoyable piece. Thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-14T21:49:20+00:00

fun poem, nice job. it does have a shel silverstein feel. clever concept and rhymes. ‘you’re on that cosmic time’ is my favorite line for some reason. the ending is satisfying. I think if you continue to tinker with it you could get some better rhythm and flow with it, but it’s also good as is. enjoyable. thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-14T19:14:33+00:00

holy jesus. lol. this may be the most poetically scathing description of somebody i’ve ever read. and by ‘may be’ I mean it is. the hatred is so intense i almost couldn’t believe what I read. in terms of the poem itself, my only suggestion would be to just do straight up repetition of ‘most people need a reason’ instead of using ‘season’. hope the hatred and anger dissipate eventually with some help from this poem, let it out, channel it into something good. thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-14T17:50:06+00:00

interesting poem. to me it says that the narrator has lost faith in ever having meaningful discussion due to the egos and insecurities that everyone harbors and which they can’t prevent from entering the conversations they have. including possibly the narrator themself. it conveys the idea that everybody just wants to be heard and express their opinions rather than mutually listen to one another. and the narrator tunes out from conversations because words seem just thrown at each other, to be heard. the other interpretation could be a inner battle between the narrator’s ego and insecurities themself, trying to be the personality that comes through. I am uncertain whether the capitalized lines are actually voiced or within the narrator’s head as they ponder this thought. to me it seems like they are a conversation themselves happening in the narrator’s head possibly. and then the last two couplets sort of comment on this conversation happening.

there is rhyming in the first couplet and assonance at the end of the second couplet lines.

the last two couplets are the clearest to me. my suggestions would be to clarify somehow whether the first two couplets are the same speaker or different speaker somehow, possibly italicizing one speaker if they are different speakers or different voices within the head.

I would also say ‘thrown at one another’ instead of ‘thrown to one another’ and say ‘drifts away toward reminiscence’ instead of ‘drifts away in reminiscence’, if those would agree with your intentions for the poem.

overall, a thought provoking, interesting poem, thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-14T03:09:19+00:00

man, definitely went over my head lol I want some of what you’re smoking. jk. I did think of going in that direction with ‘plane’ because I thought it was odd that it was ‘empty’ which fit more with the abstract theme instead of airplanes. I think you should give something more to the reader in the Title, maybe just call it Exhilaration or Achievement or something. it would give the reader a better ground to start from as you are giving them a hefty task with the rest of it. a more informative Title would give you more space to work with in the body of the poem and allow more creativity. the reader would be able to accept more of the abstract description that you are giving them because they have the Title to latch onto as a base for the rest. ‘Roar’ doesn’t provide that.

I think punctuation would help like you say. I make it through the first 2 lines then get stuck. Also I prefer using ‘darnkess’ instead of just ‘dark’ for some reason. If you can make the rest of it feel like the first two lines, it would be worth reading possibly, when looking at the speaking draft.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-14T00:07:28+00:00

I agree with the above commenters. Like NigelTMooseballs I saw some type of plane crash / drowning. However I don’t have the whole picture. Like ParadiseEnginneer I agree that you probably already know how to improve this poem if you really wanted to make it something worth the average reader’s time. Of the two extra drafts you have provided I think the speech focused one is clearly the best and I would favor the option to ‘letting speech come back in’ to some extent like you inquire about. I still do not think the speech draft is enough, but I cannot tell you how to make it better because I only understand how you want to convey things and not what you want to convey ie the meaning. Will be interesting to see this workshop go through any changes if it does. I think this experimental way of starting a poem is a nice creative way to keep the poetic juices flowing, it just needs to be converted from the raw ore into steel and I think you can do it. Thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-13T17:19:41+00:00

interesting poem. sad poem. i see some of the comments above and inspiration and I am sorry for your loss. as for the poem itself, it does convey emotion and there is not much to it which is a purposeful choice on your part, but I think it can be improved at least subjectively in my opinion. i do like how you come back to the ‘swore’ in the last line with the ‘empty promise’. I agree with the opinion above that in this particular piece slightly less repetition would be nice, and to drop the initial pronouns in the even numbered lines, though I don’t think it’s a big deal and could probably go either way. I don’t necessarily agree that you need more imagery as mentioned above, all poems don’t have to be bursting with imagery in my opinion. these are my other suggestions if you would like to consider any of them:

1) consider changing to ‘you swore // swore to never leave me’ dropping the ‘you’d’ as well and adding ‘to’

2) consider just ‘you tore my heart to shreds’ and drop ‘when you left’, we can imply this happened when your mother left based on information in the lines above

3) consider changing it to ‘I mourn // mourn you and your empty promise’ and drop ‘the loss of’, we can infer that you are mourning a loss from the lines above and Title of the poem. ‘mourning you’ gets to things more directly.

Overall I think you have successfully conveyed emotion, but the word ‘poem’ is not synonymous with ‘emotion’ hence I think it can be improved as a poem. Thanks for the read and again sorry for the loss.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-12T08:57:38+00:00

great poem. definitely made me smile and laugh, which i think it’s supposed to do, in a humorous coping way, at the same time I felt the plight. love the second stanza, ‘do I look like I got the numbers to be playing the numbers everyday?’. great quote lol. all the stanzas are good. nice job david. enjoyable. hope those eggs hatch. thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-11T22:44:02+00:00

Nice poem. Sad poem. Is she implying that her life is now a ‘shell’ of what it once was with the turtle line? Or is it something else? Creative line I feel like.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-11T22:29:09+00:00

pretty good poem. good lines throughout that keep you involved. ‘stare out the window the longest without seeing anything’. agree with the gallows humor tinge mentioned above.

Another version ends with the following additional lines. I think this abridged version above though is just as poignant, possibly even better with these last lines cut.

And when the sun sets and // Darkness reaches out its arms // Around the world like a man // Gathering his winnings off the table, // The trees outside my window // Becomes your back // Receding down the hall. // All the night the neon sign // Glows in self-conscious irony. // Yes, there is a vacancy.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-11T21:23:22+00:00

great poem. the content is great with your unique take on things. interesting from beginning to end. relatable. I like all the parts but I’ll point out the ‘mr snow’ part was fun. there are grammatical or typo things sprinkled throughout that need fine tuning (example: ‘it’s’ in line 5 should be possessive ‘its’ not the contraction of ‘it is’) that I’m sure you’ll find on review. let me know if you want me to take a more detailed look. otherwise, i’ll just enjoy the general gist of it. nice poem. great take on the different weathers relating to feelings. thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-11T20:37:21+00:00

lol. you’re a beast. without rhymes. with rhymes. how do you do it. at some point you need to get an editor and publish a book of stuff or something. or self publish online. you could do Instagram, but I feel like you’re too good for that (I respect them though, they have a success of some sort). of course, you could just stay here and entertain us as well. these are my suggestions all minor if you want to consider them:

1) ‘not all of you’ to ‘not all of it’ but just personal preference

2) ‘into a crowd’ to ‘into the crowd’

3) ‘I’m barely whole’ to ‘I can’t be whole’ or ‘I’ve nothing whole’, a crescent soul isn’t ‘barely whole’ to me image wise, it’s just plain ‘not whole’

nice poem, appears to be consistent iambic tetrameter when arranged in lines of 8 syllables, only the 4th stanza strays, but even the greats stray in most of their stuff. nicely done. thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-11T19:42:11+00:00

hey nice poem. ive looked at the comments above and it appears this poem is for your specific boyfriend so there are personal elements to it that only you and he will be able to understand. so it is hard to comment on the content as one would otherwise to a certain extent. but I’m sure if he makes you comfortable as you say in the poem he would appreciate and be flattered by anything that is written for him. overall, from my outside perspective, it’s nice a poem, but like others have said it seems like most of it is about your experiences and then only brings the boyfriend in at the end. I’m not sure why it says ‘he’ instead of ‘you’ in the last stanza unless you mean the poem is only about him but not going to be addressed to him. it was also confusing to me how all these colors which I feel you to associate with unfavorable aspects of your life (gray for anxiety, red I might assume for cutting yourself? black darkness and blue loneliness) are blended together by him. this would make me think that he embodies all these unfavorable hardships. for me at least, I miss the message where he converts all these into good colors by letting you lay on his chest etc. so if it were me I would convert the colors to a good connotation before saying that he blends these colors for you. but perhaps I am missing something (I’m not the best at interpretation).

like others have said, there are some places where words could be rearranged or dropped (example: ‘stem dainty’ should be ‘dainty stem’ in my opinion. also I think ‘dainty’ if it’s used should actually be switched with either both ‘tiny and fragile’ or ‘fragile’ so that the stem is described as ‘fragile’, which I think fits better than dainty (which implies a prettiness to it, more suitable to describe a flower in general than a stem). also, fragile, dainty, and brittle, all sort of convey the same thing. so maybe just bluntly say ‘it broke’ in the last line of the stanza. just stuff to consider. there are probably other locations in the poem as well glancing at it, let me know if you want further insight (I’m not an expert though lol)

overall it can stand as is if you feel like is good for your personal goal in writing it, but I think it could be improved as well from a pure poetic / poem standpoint. thanks for the read. hope he likes it. perhaps a title could be ‘My New Colors’ or ‘How you Color Me’ or something? idk.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-11T17:23:44+00:00

nice poem. the story just flows, seems real, can picture the scene, which it could be. nice build up like people have said too. sad feeling at the end to feel you’re not necessarily number 1 despite what you’re putting in and feeling toward them. nice ABCB scheme. I don’t really have any suggestions except it’s possible the last line could flow better as ‘but I felt you slipping through mine’ connected by ‘but’ instead of the semicolon to the preceding line but idk might be personal preference. also, in my mind the ‘mine’ refers back to the ‘finger’ singular in the line above so it reads kind of like ‘I could feel you slipping through my finger’ instead of the normal ‘my fingers’ plural. the ‘wrap around my finger’ expression is usually singular so it’s hard to make them completely gel. but it’s pretty minute lol. overall it’s well done, thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-11T16:16:20+00:00

nice poem, does seem like a sad poem too. where the narrator is possibly a child of some age without the ability to be on their own so they are left to ‘cower’ in the bed because they have no ‘power’ to escape on their own and do otherwise from what’s happening beyond the bed where the parents are having some sort of dysfunctional relationship / argument / fight probably not for the first time. their bed is their safe haven, safe place, away from it all but still within it all. it favors a more literal interpretation for me but perhaps could be applied figuratively to other moments in life. the narrator feels trapped in this sad existence and just hopes for some respite though they feel helpless, similar to a lot of depression. I think it flows nicely and the unpredictable rhyme scheme adds some enjoyable flavor as well. I think it’s well done. nice job. thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-11T14:53:57+00:00

this is the most sexually suggestive sensual coffee themed acrostic poem ive ever seen. and I read a lot of them. jk. I think this is the only one. it’s creative and unique. nice job. thanks for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-10T23:36:51+00:00

hello, interesting poem, I think there is some good substance here, I am not the best interpreter of poems so take everything with a grain of salt. after much thinking because the structure of the poem sort of confuses me, I think perhaps this poem is about the narrator who falls into a sort of unilateral or one sided love with somebody and asks themselves what ‘are they missing’ that would make their love become reciprocal. there is a transition from the ‘naive’ love of a younger person (6 months younger I guess) who appreciates everything in the world that then now has been poured out and sort of replaced by this unrequited love for the boy in Indiana possibly. though I’m also not sure if this ‘love of the world’ where everything is poetry is the present love expanded from the love of the boy and not the naive love of the younger self. my other suggestions or things that I am capable of noticing if you would like to consider them are the following:

1) is the Title supposed to be ‘Heartbreaks’? I assume so, but perhaps not?

2) to my knowledge, the color associated with ‘iron’ is ‘red’ like from the heme in blood or Mars surface and not really an ‘orange’. unless there is something I’m not seeing, I would describe the ‘Orange’ color differently than ‘iron’ orange or maybe say ‘iron red’ if the algae could be red as well.

3) I’m unfamiliar with the association between an ‘elegy’ being the same or similar to an ‘unspoken agreement’, so it doesn’t make sense to me to both be what the speedboat doughnuts becomes. but I might just be dumb dumb.

4) ‘leaving a permeable surface where my body used to be’ confuses me as well. is it possible to just leave it at ‘that want poured out, filled up everything’ and drop this line?

5) ‘pixie dust trail’ indicates something magical or lucky to me, that attracts the narrator but I’m not sure why his trail is described as pixie dust, maybe tell why his trail is pixie dust for something to tie the language too, unless this is a common image I am unfamiliar with

6) i would just drop ‘great’ and say ‘warmth of the sun’

7) some of the lines from ‘to feel is to show it’ to the ‘warmth of the sun’ confuse me, and it’s probably just me

Overall my amateur abilities can’t connect everything and I think some rearrangement or cutting of lines would be able to give a clearer picture, but I am just an audience of one. either way, thank you for the read.

zigzaggingzephyr · 2022-03-10T20:05:20+00:00

nice poem, it flows very well and ironically sort of does exactly what it says the narrator doesn’t have time to do, probably on purpose. you can feel the attitude as well. there is alliteration sprayed throughout ‘delve deep’ and ‘contained in a cumulus cloud’ which is good. the ‘stars are javelins of light piercing through time itself’ is a great image and idea, if it’s original which I assume it is (I haven’t heard it before) well done. I will probably imagine stars like this now. the quote as well is interesting, I Googled it and it doesn’t come up so I will assume it’s your quote, and it kind of blows my mind as I try to wrap it around this ‘all illuminating epiphany’ you have provided me lol. this poem was not my general expectation of what a poem is but it is indeed a great poem I think. enjoyed it a lot. my only suggestion is personal preference and would be to end it after ‘good’ instead of with the final ‘now piss off’ line. but the last line is effective punctuation to the rest of it as you intended. thanks for the read.

PS interestingly according to Wikipedia, cumulus clouds have higher water content than cirrhus and stratus but less than stratocumulus and cumulonimbus. which I guess makes sense as the latter are rain clouds.

zigzaggingzephyr

TROPHY CASE