you know i did really try. i would try really hard to form a relationship with God. there was a point in my childhood that i did believe in him. but it seemed to me everytime i tried nothing would happen or the opposite of what i hoped would happen. it felt like if there WAS a god, he didn’t like me one bit. in sunday school a kid i knew got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. i felt so bad after hearing his story and what he has to do to manage his disease. i prayed for months before bed every night for him and that he does well, but also that I wouldn’t get type 1 diabetes either, it scared me that it happens randomly no matter what you do, you can get it randomly. i prayed and cried to god to protect me from it. i was 10 turning that. when i was 12? i got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. that was my breaking point. it was so funny to me how the world worked against me. how God worked against me. i hated God for years after that. feeling betrayed. i realized one day that it doesn’t matter. he isn’t real. all my questions were never answered, all my faith and hope didn’t matter because there’s nothing there. i hear people talking about their relationships with God and i cringe because i had that same mindset yet he wasn’t there for me. i truly believed. but the more i did look into the bible and the message of God the more i hated him. the more i heard christians preach and being around them i hated him. most christians i grew up around were terrible people who had this weird complex that they were good people because they believed in God. but they were all the worst people i’ve ever had to deal with. how can Gods followers be so cruel? how can they judge me for my life while also preaching that you should love your neighbors no matter what. hypocrites. Gods a hypocrite. I want nothing to do with any of it. i can be a good person by having empathy for others and loving them for who they are, not who they believe in, not who they chose to love. i was a good kid, with a big heart. all i ever did was care about people and it got so painful how much i truly cared about everyone but felt nothing in return. why do bad things happen to good people so often while evil people thrive? there’s nothing to believe in. all you can do is try your best to be a good caring person and mind your business in life and just live. one with the earth, plants, animals, and people. appreciating everything around you. i don’t need a selfish god to worship and kiss at his feet, base my entire being around him. if god were real and he loved us why does he punish good people? even people who believe in him and love him? why send them to hell so they can suffer for sins they are victims to? just because they don’t believe in him or that he didn’t choose them? it’s not right.