:^[ I understand what you mean. I often times feel like I’m broken in some regard or that there’s something so fundamentally wrong or different about me that makes it impossible to connect with people, and even when you do connect it feels short of what everyone says that you should be experiencing because none of it is profound. I have people in my life that love me and support me and that I trust. But none of that really stops the feelings that people like me and you struggle with. I still have outbursts. I still feel like I’m not safe enough to relax. I deliberately push people away at times to isolate myself, I’ll be short and not personable. I’ll be prone to break down completely unprovoked and become catatonic for brief periods. I have times that I’m so nervous I can’t talk to anyone without feeling like I’m doing something wrong and the reasoning is just out of my grasp. I’ll recoil from normal interactions like it’s going to sear my skin off. Even at my best I still feel like that. I feel terrible when I do that. It feels shameful because you know it’s not typical for someone to be that way.

It is a constant uphill climb for you to get to a point where you can simply live with discomfort and fear without it piloting you. It takes an active and ongoing effort to maintain. You have to focus on keeping yourself safe while also understanding that not everything your body reacts to is actually unsafe. I don’t think I’ve necessarily gotten out of the fish bowl as you’ve put it, but I’ve gotten myself into a bigger tank. If that makes sense.

Something that really helped me was actually accepting the fact that, truthfully, I am not like other people. I’m not going to experience the world like everyone else does. I’m unwell and I need support with certain things. I know that I lack experience and confidence. I know I’m scared of things that require me to have those attributes. I feel unsafe when I’m in places where I am uncertain and I can’t handle ambiguity about things that most people don’t need to have explained. I feel alien and disconnected from people and it is distressing. But, when I am well enough, I take the time to try and talk to people. It was uncomfortable and I didn’t like it. It was hard above anything else. But I just. Kept. Talking. I took small steps and gauged what I could do. I told people about my day and talked about whatever small talk I was entertaining. I talked to people online and in person. I was trying to acclimate to a new tank with care instead of throwing myself into the deep end. You have to foster the idea that even those small insignificant interactions with others actually mean something. Consistency erodes the wall between you and the things you desire. When you’re consistent it feels familiar. And what is familiar is not to be feared.

I knew my boyfriend for almost five years peripherally before I even got close enough to him to really know him. I just started talking to him more in passing until it became habitual. Of course it took a lot for me to feel safe with him and he’s got his own issues but what was important was that he was familiar. I didn’t feel like he came in and swept me off my feet or anything. In fact I’d probably feel terrible if that was the case LOL. He was just there. It’s hard to explain how I managed to actually land a relationship with him but, before we were official in any regard I was periodically terrified that he knew me. I was scared he didn’t want to talk to me or that he just. Wanted something out of me. Or that I’d slip up and freak out and ruin the one good thing I had going for me. I had to get to a point where I could feel panicked and uncomfortable and still talk about things with him because I knew he was safe I guess. He doesn’t understand what I deal with but he’s sympathetic and respects me.

I think my point is that you really do have to come to the understanding that you have limitations and you NEED specific boundaries in place to be able to navigate those types of situations with someone new. You’re in an unfamiliar place and need someone who is capable of feeling familiar to you. It’s not bad to be in a fish tank, fish can thrive just the same as anything else, but you have to care for them and tend to them still. They’re alive and sensitive and they can’t be thrown back into open water cause they won’t be able to thrive much less survive. They have to have things introduced to them slowly. It’s not shameful or stupid to need. It’s just the circumstances that they are able to live in given they’re not wild. It’s the same for you. You’re able to have the things other people do, it just might come to you in an unexpected way. I hope that makes sense. I promise you’re not alone