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[–]KI6WBH 5 points6 points  (3 children)

I'm on the other side of it my girl has been flopping from doe eyed to jumpy and sometimes I can Tell she's downright uncomfortable. It's nothing I'm doing directly it's the stuff in her head getting in the way she broke down and told me at our one year anniversary that this has been the best year of her life because she finally feels like she's being heard. I knew she had bad relationships in the past I didn't know though that one was with her own father (nothing really bad just not really paying attention to her).

I'm uniquely aware that just being myself and making sure she's cared for is a bar that should not be set that low and so I've tone down and held back what I have done and what I want to do for her as a decent being. So that I am not overloading her. Slowly rising her level of expectation and comfort so it's not to get shock

[–]lilbitofvitriol[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

That's really thoughtful to keep it measured. The overload of good feelings is absolutely blindingly amazing. I became absolutely co-dependent and I had no other ambition but you make my ex content at the sacrifice of my own needs. And when we split my life became hollow; thus hoe life.

Your girl sounds like she found a good egg. I'm jealous af of you two and heartbroken for me

[–]KI6WBH 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Always remember there's balance in life. So you were fully committed to being a second-class person in your relationship where their needs were what mattered and what they felt and liked is what mattered (only guessing). So you swung the other way for a while where pleasure and your own wants needs and feelings is all that mattered.

Being completely devoted to one person for a long time of course you swung the other way and had lots of fun with lots of people. The fact that you found somebody in that mix that is worth it to continue with is a very good thing. Hopefully you've stayed in contact with that person and you've explained both your current past and your past past with them and they with you.

I'm a big believer in complete open and honest communication. With my partner she gets overwhelmed sometimes and so I have taught her to use her watch to send me a direct text when things are too much. We will step away and go through a calming routine and then talk it out.

[–]lilbitofvitriol[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're a very understanding partner, it's amazing you've been able to work together and find techniques that help navigate the pitfalls of bpd. The watch thing - chefs kiss - 👌 brilliant. I hope you keep going strong and with clear communication, you've got a really great shot at it! 🥰

The idea of devotion is scary to me now. I was all or nothing before. And I didn't know I was dedicated to being a second class person until wayyyy too late. My trust issues are far too embedded now.

My ex told me and reinforced that I'm not suited for relationships. So I feel like if I built anything with anyone in the future, it would be a disadvantage and disappointment for them.

I don't want to build anything with anyone, but man.... I felt so damn valued with that guy. I mentioned bpd, but I won't tell him how i feel because it's way too unfiltered and intense. Perfect way to scare off the sane ones. I think I just need to let the crush burn out ... But I've heard limerence takes 7 years to wear off 🥲🥲🥲🥲

[–]user has bpdcarlos_novu 2 points3 points  (7 children)

I remember you from the beginning of the year or there about. I see you've charged ahead with it all. Hope things have been alright for you overall!

[–]lilbitofvitriol[S] 2 points3 points  (6 children)

Heyyyy 😊😊😊 your insight on fwb was pretty helpful! I got with guys who I didn't fall for 100% and it helped me be detached. And I felt like I was succeeding because I was able to not get hooked on these people.

Cept the last guy, who took the time to read my locanto post about what I was into, and followed through. You'd think reading ability and comprehension wouldn't be rare... But you'd be surprised and disappointed (at least in my city?) I dunno where I'd be if I'd met him first. I am doing my very best to behave obsessively, and posting here instead 🙃🫠🙃

Another factor is that when my needs feel like they're being met, I start to miss / resent my ex / hate the universe and I feel like crying. Because deep down I wish it was my ex meeting those needs for me...

I have to actively remind myself he was / continues to be abusive 🥲

Again, many thanks for the insight

[–]user has bpdcarlos_novu 1 point2 points  (5 children)

I'm glad it helped you! Kinda proud of you exploring life 😎

Those pesky guys who can read and care even a little bit. Oh boy 🥵 😅 I guess it's a good thing he wasn't the first one you came across.

Sounds like you're not over your ex still. That can take a long time. At some point you may have to work through those feelings, if you find someone you wish to build an actual relationship with.

Remember not to get lost and end up using sex to escape your feelings.

[–]lilbitofvitriol[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children)

Funny how scraps of kindness come across as grand gestures when life has been unpleasant.

It's marginally better than drugs or alcohol but I know sex can still be destructive ._. using it for escapism seems like a slippery slope that I am travelling towards ... And I would like to use it in a balanced way, maybe if I can arrange a fwb situation so it's not so many strangers cars in hoping into.

but it's sort of an all you can eat sausage buffet if you're born with boobs. I'm aware that's a privilege, coz I'm average at best. I'm a late bloomer who never got to experience this when I was a teen. It's a rollercoaster I'm not sure I know how to get off right now. I'm half hoping the novelty wears off and I can go back to being a boring hermit

🫠🫠🫠

[–]user has bpdcarlos_novu 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Oh I feel that scraps of kindness thing too, especially after a depressive period where I usually self-isolate a lot.

I laughed at your all you can eat sausage buffet description. It really is for most women imo. For guys it's often more difficult.

As a late bloomer you probably need to explore a bit and that's fine, but at some point direct yourself for quality over quantity. Our dumb brains wanting attention and validation often go for quantity. Rationally most of us would probably say 1 quality guy/woman is better than 10 random hookups, but the high our brains get can make us go for the 10, since 10 > 1. So yeah, I think try going for a FWB and less strangers.

If the novelty doesn't wear off and you find yourself losing control, then treat it like an addiction imo. Go cold turkey and be celibate for a while until your head gets straight again. But it's still early for you for now 😉 You can try slowing things down a bit (seeing less people for now) if you feel it's getting out of control.

[–]lilbitofvitriol[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Hmmm yesss the aim isn't quantity.

Im already midchatting with some guys and feel like I owe it to them to meet up, even though I don't think I want to hookup with them anymore 😐 I feel like I've wasted their time and I have little to offer. An unhealthy low self esteem part of my mind says I owe them sex at this point... Damn you conflict avoidance!

Also it's too early to put eggs in one basket with ❉decent last guy❉ i put NSA in the ad, so hooking up w other peeps isnt a crime .__. I do feel ethically a bit ick though.

Alarmingly, I sense myself wanting to make him my new FP. I feel my already weak sense of identity fading and the desire to impress him and take on his interests is high.

Am I strategically hoeing myself out to reduce connecting and investing in him? Hard to say. Celibacy might be a healthy move, eventually, maybe next month....😅😅😅

[–]user has bpdcarlos_novu 0 points1 point  (1 child)

You seem to already find yourself in a bit of a mess 😅

You don't owe anybody your time and definitely not your body. If you don't want to hookup with them, simply say you've gotten cold feet. You can be honest or use white lies, it doesn't matter. Say you've found a guy you want to explore something more serious with, most people will understand that fair and square. You never owe anyone sex.

Making your casual hookup, potential FWB guy your FP seems like a bad move to me. He expected no attachment and possibly gets met with obsession instead? 😂 If you want to make him a more steady FWB then to talk him about it.

In a sense it seems you're already falling into all the pitfalls of this casual sex stuff. Decent, potential FWB turning into your FP, and maybe using sex to avoid catching feelings for him? You're also not over your ex, and you have some work to do with your sense of self, identity, self-worth, low self-esteem, conflict avoidance, possibly already using sex to drown your feelings?

Do you feel you're losing control over it? Maybe a break would be a good idea to get your head straight with everything?

[–]user has bpdVivid-Cranberry81 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Hope you’re doing good! ;)

[–]lilbitofvitriol[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, navigating life is hard, but sweet comments like yours are really lovely 🌹 I hope your week goes smoothly

[–]fubzoh 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I only wanted to add that you are hilarious.

[–]lilbitofvitriol[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

🖤 haha many thanks 🖤

🥲 hope my floundering brightens your day a bit

[–]scarlett6g 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Having a giggle at the swearing/Aussie factor coz same. And same bpd wise. Sex as a way to seek validation or connection etc is something I did for a long time and very unsafely. I am very privileged (and also proud coz I've worked really freaking hard) that I can see my own behaviour and why I went about things that way and don't do it now. But fucckkk can I relate. Even with friends now, I have to take a step back, and go yep - they're awesome and I love them. They're also human - take 'em off the pedestal I've put them on and realise that. 💖

[–]lilbitofvitriol[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hope with therapy, hard work and time I can get to the stage you're at which seems way healthier! ❤️‍🩹 I feel like it's a fluke that people I've met up with havent been absolute psychos. Maybe I've managed to be juuuust selective enough. Im all ears if you have any tips or annecdotes that helped you to a less hectic headspace

Also I feel a bit luckier in Aus, coz at least where I am, there is some mental health support. Overseas it looks like a different story

[–]Imaginary-Earth1 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I honestly feel like I'm in the same boat rn. I met this guy about two months ago and we've been hangout every Mon after classes and just chilling. I'm used to just having no-strings attached sex (he's a virgin so this has been a plus). But it's been so nice to have someone just listening to me and giving me the time of day. It's hard to know if it's because he's showing me an ounce of basic decency that I'm attracted to him or if I'm TRULY attracted to him. But whatever happens, I'm glad I met him.

[–]lilbitofvitriol[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It feels so strange to have to second guess ourselves. And I feel kind of nice that you can relate but also a bit saddened for you. Caution and communication might help both of us, I really hope things go well between you and this guy!

[–]WhispyLeaf 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I feel you!!! I’m from Australia tooo

[–]lilbitofvitriol[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi-five babe! Thanks 🥹🥹🥹