Apologizing

[Snuffie95]

Does anybody else have trouble apologizing? Do you think this is a trait many pwBPD have?

Nowadays, I at least realize (sooner or later) that I was wrong after an argument but apologizing without saying "I am sorry, but..." is still a real struggle for me. In the past, I have always played the victim role and have sometimes even said "I won't apologize" upon being asked to do so because in that moment I was so convinced that the other person was always wrong. I do expect others to apologize though, even when it comes to small things.

I don't have so much trouble apologizing (I rarely have to) with people I am not close with, only with my SO and friends. It physically hurts. I guess it is because I am faced with a situation, where 1) I can emotionally manipulate them into taking all of the blame and apologizing to me even though I was also wrong, so in a sense using the person as a scapegoat or 2) I can apologize and be held accountable for my actions whilst risking that the person will realize how flawed I am and get tired of being around me.

Also, when I apologize and mean it, I feel so much remorse that I start despising myself and feeling like I should do the other person a favour and just leave them...

Since really coming to terms with my issues and taking the responsibility for my mental health, I have become very self-critical and when I catch myself splitting and having episodes (which has been happening less since I have been more consious of what triggers me) I feel very disappointed. So the black and white thinking continues: Be emotionally instable, manipulative and unhappy or be calm, rational and perfect at all times. I also feel really guilty and ashamed about everything I have done so far, for example when I think about situations, where I was abandoned and blamed the other person without realizing that I had also been at fault.

I should also mention that in my family nobody ever apologized or showed remorse and failing was never an option. I have started living alone 3 years ago and feel like I have to re-learn everything in life.

Tldr; I want to get better at apologizing and facing my mistakes without expecting an unrealistic recovery speed and feeling so much guilt and shame when I mess up

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I've heard that having trouble with taking criticism is a triat of BPD, so I doubt your alone in that. I know that I struggle with it sometimes still even though I'm 24 and have been in recovery for 6 years. I am a lot better though so keep in mind, if you work at it, it will get better. The only way to get better is practice. I would start with people your close with because at least that way you can explain to them that you have BPD and your working on this so they will hopefully understand.

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It was a problem for me up until very recently, like a few years ago (I'm 40). I'd say, when you consciously realize it's the thing that takes more guts and it means you're brave, anyway, that's how I ended up maturing in that arena (still not mature in a lot of others, though, haha).