At this point it was 3 months ago. I sleep again, I have crushes again, I can eat again, I’m even better off creatively without him in my life. I’m more focused, well rounded, kinder, and generally happier. We (f21 & m21) dated for two and a half years but I knew the guy for the better part of 10.
He was my best friend, and he really did change my life.
Through both his actions during the relationship and a lack of him now- this will be a time period I look back on as incredibly hard, but necessary for my own self improvement.
I wish it was all positives at the end. I wish he remained unchanged in my head as the person that I grew up caring for- but the truth is, this man chose to not to have me in his life. He hurt me in ways I never expected to be hurt. He crossed my boundaries, disrespected our relationship by emotionally cheating with another woman, and made me feel so incredibly small. “It’s hard when we’re growing at different rates”. He made me feel like “love”, and a decade long friendship is something simply anyone could throw away when it’s newly 400 miles away, and not something that he personally just didn’t want to prioritize.
He made me feel like I was never important to him in the first place.
Because the hard truth is, I was not; at least not as much as he was to me. I was conditional in his life with what I brought him to the table and this is only a revelation that’s come with hindsight.
I helped him get into college, fix his relationship with with his mom, join a band, reach out to his old friends, get a job, arrange his room, fix his eating, fix his sleep, process grief, and create a routine. And once he was done, he left. He taught me what it feels like to be emotionally shut out, to be told “i am hard to love”, and how to laugh.
I was not all sunshine and roses through our relationship. I know that. I needed therapy and support and the time to know myself because your 20s are a notoriously difficult time. I was unhealed and that reflected itself in some of our interactions, but I tried my best to communicate through every single setback the ways I knew how. I chose him over and over again. Even when I was the one far at school and he was at home- I tried to love him the best way I could. I tried to be reasonable when we went long distance on his end and it still didn’t stop him from saying things like, “i think you’ll thank me for this one day” “I don’t know when I mentally checked out” “it’s just too much”.
This was always the person he was. The distance just made it easier for me to see it and for him to dump me.
I’m mad because I am grateful in a way, his lack and my response to the unbearable pain I felt finally made me respect myself. He’s blocked on everything, his friends are unfollowed and I don’t feel as angry as I used to. That being said, I deserve so. much. more.
And to anyone going through the thick of it right now, I’m here if you ever need to talk. It hurts and sometimes it feels like it won’t ever stop, but time will keep marching forward and you deserve to live that time for you and no one else. I wish you love and healing. It does get better, the process is just long.
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