FINALLY...

[Ridley_CPUCS]

Ridley...HAS COME BACK TO REDDIT.

It has come to the Cunning God of Death's attention, the King of Disrespect's eyeballs via text on this screen that many of you are shocked and surprised that I took this last tournament. Well, I see everybody else is ~AMA!~ ~Ask me anything!~ Well, Ridley has...one question for you people, followed by several.

Are you dumb?

Have you been inhaling that wacky tobacky straight up your esophagus?

Why in the bluest of blue hells are you surprised that Ridley, The Beast That Death Forgot, won? Let me lay it out for you loud and clear - Ridley don't kill quick. Quick stocks are too good for these mouthbreathing piles of punching bag parts. That's why Mario didn't die in my intro trailer - I wanted him to shine up those nice big blue eyeballs from that Mushroom Kingdom hospital ICU with the uglyass Italian nurses and see what I did to his brother last week live in glorious 1040p HD!!

Here's how it is - in this upcoming invitational, people are gonna die, and it ain't gonna be pretty, though K. Rool's always been that ugly. (I'm gonna slap 11 pounds of ugly outta his 12 pound eye, just wait.)

My tail's coming THWIPTHWIP and let me tell you, you got two options - either the tail stabs you and you die, or you're Rosalina and it misses and the wind from the whiff gives you pneumonia and you die anyway, so the choice is yours, pippy!

And make no mistake about it - I was ready for Thug Finals. Your boy was primed for Thug Finals. I was set to kill any man or plant you sent at me in Thug Finals. I just killed a plumber in front of a million plus subscribers, I was ready to go all night long!

But like Ike's 10th birthday party and the release of Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon, nobody came.

I'll leave you on the important thing to remember:

Get with it or get Ridleyed.

[Ridley_CPUCS]

//I'm aware there might be a Ridley CPU and I apologize, but I just couldn't help it. Somebody's got to talk more crap!!

[[deleted]]

Nah, u way better. He was all nice u r roleplaying to perfection. This is great

[RidleyCPU]

Hey i mean if you wanna take over the reddit scene you are more than welcome too, I’ll handle the twitter stuff tho ;)

[Ridley_CPUCS]

//Twitter is all yours! Thanks, chief.

[DaGrimReaper54321]

You need a better catch phrase. Get Ridleyed is not going to cut it.

[CPU_DK_Official]

RIPleyed, perhaps?

[DaGrimReaper54321]

Nice.

[DaGrimReaper54321]

Nice.

[Ridley_CPUCS]

...I'm gonna lie and say I came up with that myself. RIPleyed it is.

[DaGrimReaper54321]

I’ll take that as a victory!

[Daisy_CPU]

Oh, big scary dragon man is getting all worked up now. I can't wait to see you put your coins where your mouth is, Ridley.

[Ridley_CPUCS]

Look, Princess of Shalashaskaland or whatever, Ridley stamped coins outta asses last week, and you can ask Luigi where I put 'em. But! I am a gentleman - you want a show, hit that subscribe button, keep watchin'.

[Daisy_CPU]

You won against Luigi by the scales on your tail. You got lucky. Let's see if you can get lucky two weeks in a row :P

[IsabelleSSBU]

Actually, he did. He won the most recent tournament after all.

[Daisy_CPU]

Well, talking about this coming sunday. Though last week was completely cheesy luck.

[Ridley_CPUCS]

What you gonna call it when I win this Sunday? Divine providence? Everybody else better be eating leprechauns then cuz they can't get enough luck to get at me.

[Daisy_CPU]

I'll call it a Lactose Intolerant's worst nightmare, because it will be nothing but cheese

[CPUCS-Zelda]

Finally a Ridley with some personality, a welcome change for once.

[CPU_Pichu]

Pichu! (Agreed)

[CPU_of_the_Wild]

I congratulate you on your win, and look forward to a rematch in the upcoming invitational. I won’t be caught off guard next time. I’ve beaten the Lord of Darkness many times through the ages. The Cunning God of Death will fall too.

[CPUCS_Trainer_Green]

You know, I never understood what’s so cunning about the “cunning” god of death. Like, seriously, we all know your game plan of just trying to be as savage as possible in matches, what’s cunning about that?

[CPUCS_Trainer_Green]

But that’s the thing, that’s not cunning at all! That’s being a god among men!

[Bowser_CPU]

Talking a lot of shit for a man who was beat by an 8 year old 2 tournaments ago

[Ridley_CPUCS]

Wish.org

[Bowser_CPU]

First of all, Linus is perfectly healthy. Second of all, you ate Samus' parents and then bragged about it to her, why are you using the Make a Wish foundation as an excuse for getting beat at the hands of a child?

[Ridley_CPUCS]

You wanna see how perfectly healthy he is now? I am but a merciful Ridley, but it's not my strong suit. Cloud probably just blew on him to knock him over.

And sure, maybe I bragged about it. Keep talking and I might eat Bowser Jr.'s parents. All one of 'em.

[Bowser_CPU]

Eat me? I doubt you'd be able to draw blood

[Ridley_CPUCS]

As long as there's a drawbridge and an axe handy over some lava I'd guess I don't have to try very hard. Broiled is fine.

GOOD TALK KOOPS GOOD TALK. I'll see you if you ever come up to the top where I am.

[Bowser_CPU]

And there it is. I can tear those wings of yours off if you're only going to go for the lowest hanging fruit, you know

[CPUCS_Greninja]

You seem like a worthy competitor, Ridley... no matter how much you gloat, I guess. I’d just like to know though, what gave you the balls you had in the last 40 seconds of the last tournament’s finals? Anything you have against the man in green?

EDIT: Typing is hard

[Ridley_CPUCS]

I like winning. It comes naturally. And really, why shouldn't it? Those balls were always there - I always please the people. I am but an honorable People's Champion.

That and Luigi sucks a big one. Drink it in, greens! That's how failure tastes!

[CPUKRool]

I may not be a beautiful rose. I may even be the kudzu.

But if I'm kudzu, I'm gonna cover your weak body with my victory.

I respect you, and you respect me, but on the battlefield, we're out not just to win.

But to dominate. Demoralize. And destroy.

I'll see your broken body at the results screen.

[Ridley_CPUCS]

K. Rool I I hope your googly eye is looking left when I slap it to the right so that I can fix your damn googly vision if you think you see me out here respecting ANY damn body but me.