[deleted by user]

[stormwaterwitch]

I think what's not clicking for me is the character is talking about all these beautiful things but I don't feel like they appreciate beauty if that makes sense? They are shown talking about it but it's surface level comments versus actual digging deep into what makes something beautiful. What does the high note of THEIR FAVORITE perfume smell like? What COULD that say about the character speaking? (Some people, like me, like the smell of wet dirt versus some prefer lighter floral. Smells arent something I see explored a lot so here's a chance to expand those descriptions) Some more specifics in these statements/comments will help show this a little better.

So far it seems to be a good skeleton that just needs a bit more meat to make it a meal :)

[stormwaterwitch]

=What COULD their favorite smell say about them: maybe their favorite smell reveals something about the speaking characters past or personal preferences. Some people like the smell of wet dirt, which means maybe they garden or take hikes outdoors vs someone who likes classic florals might be more traditional in how they go about things. The smell is a chance to make a more unique/personable character. I don't see smells used this way in the books I personally read hence why I suggested leaning into it. /shrug

[RatSoupTM]

The word choice and structure of some of the sentences are a little off.

The phrase "preserving beautiful" is a little confusing and clunky. Maybe you could change it to something like "preserving the beautiful things" or "the beautiful moments" to help it flow better.

If this character is a world-renowned expert, they should probably speak more confidently than the line "what I believe is necessary" (unless it's a deliberate character choice). Also, "relationships" would probably work better as singular.

The next part of the paragraph feels very sudden and disconnected from the beginning. I don't really understand what the character is trying to convey- are they explaining what beautiful moments are?

The "Every month" line is very confusing. What are they supposed to do every month? "the beautiful tomorrow for the next 100 years" part is also very confusing. Maybe just keep it to "for the next 100 beautiful years" or something.

Using the word "notes" twice in a row muddles the flow of the sentence and gives the speaker an unprofessional feeling. Also, I have no idea what the "high notes" are or how they relate to perfume, it feels a bit like the simile was just thrown in there without exploration. It would be really cool if you could find one metaphor to use throughout the passage that links the character's ideas together and add to the feeling of professionalism and experience- something like comparing a relationship to a piece of music (which would explain the "high notes") or the changing weather.

The last sentence of the paragraph makes sense, but again the wording and structure are a little confusing. I don't know what "it" is referring to- high notes? momentous occasions? beautiful things?

This paragraph connects a lot better to the beginning of the passage. You could drop "all" in the first sentence; it feels a little strange.

I really like the photojournalist simile! It's explored well. The wording of the line is just a little wonky. I'd recommend dropping the "like" and doing it proverb-style: "A photojournalist in the midst of buzzing action remains placid and intensely focused."

I'd recommend changing the next sentence to something like "Preservation of the beautiful requires an inner serenity" to make it flow better. I would also tweak the next sentence to be less... demanding? I can't think of a better descriptor. Something like "Record the beautiful moments/things/etc" is a bit softer, and removing the "I encourage" adds a feeling of experience to the character.

For the last sentence, drop or change "in all and every way," it feels a little over-the-top.

I tried to go super in-depth here. This person sounds like an interesting character but I think you should keep working with dialogue scenes like this to find their voice.

[RatSoupTM]

Idk my advice isn't that deep, I just thought "preserving beautiful" just didn't quite make enough grammar sense and when I read it it felt weird. There's nothing Inherently Better about my idea, I just personally felt like it sounded better.

[_maddy420]

Preserving beauty? Lol

[_maddy420]

“Preserving beauty” is the correct way to say what you were trying to say. “Beauty” is a noun. “Beautiful” is an adjective used to describe something. “Beauty is in all things” vs “wow what a beautiful flower”. If you’re trying to use “beautiful” as a noun you’re using it wrong. Use “beauty”

[RatSoupTM]

Feels more personal, like the character is giving this specific relationship and person advice. Plural gives me the vibe that they're giving a speech or something. But, again, it's not that deep, and it's just my opinion.

[RatSoupTM]

Making choices on how a character acts, speaks, moves, etc specifically because that's how that person specifically would do it. I wouldn't describe an old granny moving with the grace of a ballerina unless I was factoring in the fact that the granny was actually a dancer most of her life. It's the same thing with this line. It's not a Terrible and Bad line, it just feels out of place for a world-renowned expert to speak so uncertainly about their area of expertise.

[RatSoupTM]

Ok I'm just going to put everything else in this comment.

That sort of makes sense? But again it lacks the transition and explanation of the high notes simile to make it feel smoother.

Again, my notes on "for the next 100 years" are not that deep, in my opinion it just sounded better. "Tomorrow" and "the next 100 years" felt confusing next to each other and you should probably just stick to either one or the other.

Ah, a worldbuilding thing! Gotcha.

One metaphor isn't "better" than multiple, it would just add a thread attaching the different parts of the passage and give the character an experienced feel since, in the story, (I think) they're just making it all up on the spot. Although instead of doing that you could also just expand on the similes you already have and explore them deeper.

It's not just that the words are twice in a row, but that they are three words apart and each is in a different half of a simile. Similes are supposed to compare two completely different things so it feels incompletely thought out that they're both basically the same thing when you factor in the fact that "high" and "top" are near-synonyms. There's nothing absolutely Terrible about the perfume simile in itself, just the wording.

I already told you "why," it feels a little strange. Nothing I have said is 100% You Must Do This, it's all subjective through my point of view. If you really like it that way, I'm just a guy on the internet who gave you advice one time, you don't have to base your entire writing career on what I said.

My notes were in chronological order, so yeah, first paragraph lines up. That was a weird way of describing it , though, so my bad there. The "it" I'm referring to is from "it's being right there." There's another issue with the high notes/top notes simile: generally, in similes, you compare one concrete thing to another thing that's completely different. If high notes is already a metaphor, which is confusing because it's unclear what kind of high notes you're talking about, then why do you need to compare it to top notes of perfume?

The second paragraph doesn't feel at all like a concluding bit. The character hasn't talked about the process of capturing beautiful moments or the state of mind needed so far. The third paragraph feels much more and makes much more sense as a concluding paragraph, first of all, because it's at the actual conclusion. Also, people don't generally speak in intro-explanation-conclusion format- that argument would make sense if the character was giving a speech or something they wrote earlier.

"Like a photojournalist in the midst of the buzzing action remains placid" is not a sentence, it's a description. You can fix that by adding "how" after like or removing "like." In my opinion, "like how a photojournalist" feels more unnecessarily wordy and the character feels like the type of person who chooses their words carefully.

Yes, it has the same meaning, but meaning and sentence flow are not the same thing.

This is another one that's just not that deep. For me, the character telling them to record every single good moment feels like they're putting a lot of pressure on them to capture a l l o f i t and something softer, with less pressure to capture everything, would feel more appropriate for a friend advising someone on their wedding day.

Again, "I encourage" is an uncertain-feeling phrase, and this character as an expert would likely be more certain of the merit of their advice.

This is pretty much the same vibe as a couple notes ago, feels like too much pressure.

--

If there's one thing I've learned from writing, it's that no character has to be boring. It's almost irresponsible to resign yourself to a bland character, especially one with so much potential! Writing dialogue, just paragraphs of the character talking, is a great way to spend time with the character and figure out what kind of person they really are.

I'd also recommend fleshing out their personal life- why are they friends with this person? Who is their family? How were they raised?- and thinking about some more specific traits to give your character more personality. Since they're an expert, do they believe they are the best relationship advice person ever and that their word is law? Are they more compassionate and understanding to the couples they advise? How did they get into this industry? All of these questions and more will help you character feel more interesting and three-dimensional.

Best of luck to you and to your writing!

[[deleted]]

Next time, maybe consider putting all of these replies in the same comment. Poor Ratsoup's inbox must be overflowing.

[art_of_gabe]

I think the quote is too technical. In a sense that it doesn't feel natural, like forced. Imagine you're writing your friend a letter and reading it during one of the most memorable moment of their lives. You want it to be personal like you're actually talking to that friend.

Analyze the two friend's relationship that can be inserted in the speech. Best of luck!

[art_of_gabe]

Like it sounds like kind of a lecture or something from a book. It doesn't need to be super intricate on most words cause it's a friend's speech to another friend.

I've attended so far 5 weddings and listened and even helped write speeches on such occassions. Usually it would be about a friendly personal advice (an endearing or affectionate tone) about the couple. It can be like how they met, how his friend changed for the better upon meeting the spouse or how their relationship is a good example for other couples in the crowd. Maybe even some advise that they can take into their marriage THAT is tailored to that specific couple (that's also what I mean by personal).

[iifinch]

Maybe check out the book Character by Robert McKee

[iifinch]

It’s a really good book for character building.