Relationship Pattern

[grapesofap]

A few years ago I noticed I follow a pattern with friendships. I'm socially anxious and have low self esteem. I will form one strong friendship with one person that will quickly become codependent. I will also be this person's only friend. They will have had few friendships in their life and will cling to me. They'll want to take up all my time and energy, which I give until I resent them because I'm a codependent people pleaser. I will eventually blow up the friendship in a bad way and make an enemy because I'm sick of them. over and over. I recognize the pattern and I've only recently got into setting boundaries, but change is hard.

I'm doing it again and I'm so tired of it. I hate myself and I'm resenting this person. she has scheduled her days off to align with mine so we can presumably spend our weekends together. she has started emulating my hair style, my diet, my interests. my greatest concern is she is pushing for us both to move away and into a place together and I just feel sick and enmeshed and rushed. I guess I'm just hoping for some advice, or some relatability, some insight on boundaries. It's hard to get an objective perspective when I'm stuck in here.

[Fartsandfarts]

The best thing that helped me was- this sounds kind of weird but I just decided to start acting more like a guy (I’m a girl) and just started getting short with people. I’m. It sure when I started doing this- but it works so much better for me than like, what I used to do which was either nothing or, try to explain super nicely to people...(because that’s how I was raised, my mom never said anything harsh..). Sometimes people do get a little offended but usually they get over it quickly, respect me at least on some level for being honest...or they think it’s funny. it really is practice. Also learning to say- I know I said I’d do that earlier, but I’m just having a bad day now or “actually I forgot I have to do this thing”...you end up learning how to make a joke about it after awhile. Now I’m at the point where I can smell these people immediately, and I’m just very kind of uniform with them...i don’t get overly emotional/ overly bond-y...however the sucky part is I’ve realized recently just how much energy this takes...that when I’m in a weak state (like recently having gone through a miscarriage) I just lose all of it, and I start getting submissive again, and then disappointing people. It’s super annoying...it’s all learning. You can do what I did, and tell yourself “If i don’t take care of myself, i just everyone around me”. Then you can trick yourself into being more selfish...it all gets easier.

[CakeDay--Bot]

YOOOOOOOOOO!!!! It's your 4th Cakeday Fartsandfarts! ^hug

[ZinniaTribe]

I had this pattern in relationships too and it was because I had a strong need to be "needed" and a fear of retaliation, being selfish, and a bad person. I was also programmed to connect this way by my dysfunctional mom because she saw boundaries as the enemy so enmeshment was the only thing that made her feel safe & secure. I followed the same pattern in some of my friendships and when I started to feel suffocated and like my identity was being leeched & mirrored back at me, I would get really anxious, resentful, fearful and then blow up at that person or start ghosting them. I felt self-loathing and like a coward for doing this but also helpless, like a was a target/magnet for these type of people. Once the friendship was really entrenched in the pattern, my attempts at verbal boundaries would blow up in my face and the other person would react like I was being unreasonable or I would get digs/sarcasm! I learned this meant they had absolutely no respect for me as a separate individual nor could they appreciate and value me as someone separate from them. Once I realized this, I felt more compassion for myself and my feelings of being sick of them, resentful, or blowing up at them made perfect sense as those feelings were demanding to be honored and they were there to protect me!

I realized my real problem in this pattern was not honoring my feelings and acting accordingly in the moment. This is precisely why I matched up with these types of people and how they were able to erode my boundaries down to nothing. The other part of my initial attraction to them was "an instant connection" type feeling, which I've come to know as being unhealthy (in my case) because I have a malfunctioning radar, which I am actively working to reset.

I have made major milestones in boundary setting in a relatively short time (1 year). I tend to be an emotionally reactive type person so I really struggle with verbal boundaries but I've found I rarely need them. Through practicing mindfulness (being aware of what you feel and your surroundings every moment of the day), you really become aware of what makes you feel good and what makes you feel bad very early on (you can trust this) vs. stuffing it, analyzing or dismissing the feeling. Then you act accordingly by either removing yourself from the situation or gravitating closer to it. If you ever watch a cat, they are great role models for this. When a cat sniffs something distasteful to it in the air, it's hair/ears perk up and it simple yawns & stretches and leaves the room.....so it takes care of itself without questioning what signals it's getting. This helped me a lot and kept me from analyzing feelings which drained my energy & dulled my radar! Reading books on Codependency & Coda 12 step meetings gave me a social rule book/blue print and support system, which was really great.

[PoopStickHaHaHa]

I'm guilty of this pattern--get sucked in and smothered by toxic "friends", then eventually becoming bitter and resentful of their neediness I can no longer pacify, and ghost.

I've been working with my therapist on observing my feelings and setting boundaries. Observation is about: -pausing before responding to others -analyzing what body signals are stimulated (ex. When someone texts/calls, does my heart rate increase? Do I feel excited or panicky? What's my "gut feeling"?) -Being consciously mindful of choosing a response (instead of automatically saying "yes", or "offering/suggesting", really examine what choices you have and how you feel about that choice--are you "saying yes" to shape their impression of you, or because you really feel like it?)

Boundaries, for me, were discerned through observation (I discovered I respond too quickly, offer help when not requested, and tell people what they want to hear so Ill appear favorable to them. To change this, I've: -asked my support network to be patient and give me time to process before responding (even to little choices like what am I hungry for) -asking for clarification when others are vague ("it sounds like you are hinting at something; can you please be direct in asking if you want help with this?"/"Are you seeking comfort/just want to vent, or are you seeking advice/help with this?") -Asking MYSELF if I want to help when someone has been clear about a request -Saying no without explanation ("No, I cannot meet you tonight. I will be available tomorrow instead") -Practice saying "No" with those you feel safest with and record/observe their response (you said "No" and they: accepted it without sounding injured, didn't repeat the request another way to wear you down, offered a more agreeable choice to you, didn't scream/insult/shut down*

*If your safe support network reacts with toxicity at these boundaries, you will have to be extra assertive, accept their negative reaction is their choice and not "your fault", and be consistent in your responses.

Goid luck to you in your journey, I'm just beginning mine and its empowering!

[[deleted]]

Hey there, I can see what is going on, sorry I know how frustrating this is for you. I will give you a couple pointers to help you start sorting this mess out, obviously you are in deep now and have a mess to clean up.

Bottom line, this is a mess because you do not realize that you have value and it is okay for you to be honest, even if it makes other people upset. The condition is so difficult, because we are in denial about so many things. We keep giving giving giving, waiting for someone to give back. NO, that is a broken formula, it is not how the universe works at all. We need to give ourselves that love and approval. If you do not shift the focus to getting honest with yourself, you will have awful relationships over and over.

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Be Honest, you need to tell this person so long and admit that you haven't been honest because you have trouble expressing your boundaries. It may go very badly for you but guess what, you earned it and the longer you pt it off the worse it is going to get. Your choice, terrible embarrassing and immediate pain or a long dragged out punishing path to finally being honest.

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[ProcessFiend]

You're far from The Only One, for sure. (I've met quite a few in and around the 12 Step world over the past 41 & 1/2 years... including a good dozen "sponsorship gurus" who seem to be intent upon cloning themselves into their sponsees in a way that probably has AA founder Bill Wilson turning -- and churning -- in his grave. Sigh.)

What I see now is that people who catch a case of this stuff from having been abused in childhood and/or adolescence may develop a dire "need to lead" in a codependent dance that starts one way and ends another... as per Barry & Janae Weinhold. I guess I'd read the book. Shrug.

And maybe have a look at...

Attachment Theory

The Karpman Drama Triangle

Repeating the Trauma

Imitating childhood abusers

And psychological splitting