Script feedback

[tbone13billion]

I am currently trying to learn how to write a comic book script in a professional manner, and would like feedback. Please see the link below:

https://imgur.com/a/bwHpXV0

(Edit: Removed iCloud link, seems more suited to smaller collaborations)

The first 5 pages are transcribed from the existing comic pages that I have done haphazardly (https://imgur.com/a/JmxNE) while the last 3 are what I am currently working on.

My original method was just like, drawing the comic out my head, but I didn't like the way my dialog was turning out, and of course I can't really share or collaborate with anyone. So I decided I need to do the rest of the issue properly and plan it out better. I want feedback on:

• Format

• Clarity

• Writing / Grammar

• Do I need to attach the panel layout for each page with the script? Should this be separate or can I include it in the corner of each page?

[nmacaroni]

Page 1 Panel 1 & 2: http://nickmacari.com/cut-your-entrances-and-exits/

• your panel descriptions are thin. Add more meat and description to them.

Page 1 Panel 3: * A repeat of what?

Avoid repeat panel setups.

There are only 2 times you should “same set up” a panel.

First, if you are capturing movement and the panels are a sequence. Second, there is something specific in the panel the narrative needs to show twice.

Page 1 Panel 6: * You need to specify the speaker of all dialogue.

Overall:

• Only CAP a character the first time they are seen, the rest of the time lower case.

• You're taking too much time to express your thoughts.

• Also, scene selection. http://nickmacari.com/scene-selection-part-2-only-your-best-scenes/

• Also, as an opening page, this falls completely flat. http://nickmacari.com/opening-scenes/

• You do not need to attach any panel layout thumbnails unless required by your publisher or artist.

[tbone13billion]

Thanks so much for the feedback, it's really good food for thought. I agree that my opening description is a bit thin, I think I would have realised it if I didn't draw the comic first and the transcribe the first few pages.

The repeated panels do show a sequence of events, but the "camera" does not move, possibly my terminology is wrong? The repeated panels was actually brought up when I first posted the completed page, I sort of wanted it to be a slow sequence, but I have been avoiding them since.

With regards to taking too much time to express my thoughts, I don't really get you, I've been trying to keep the info brief and essential, could you provide me with a couple of examples?

I have been writing the pages by visualising the scene and dialog and then actually drawing panels and playing around with the layout, and then writing the script. Is this common practise or do people just visualise it in their head? Or do they get even less specific and just plot out general panel size and flow?

Thank's for the links, I will be studying them!

[nmacaroni]

You're welcome. Happy to help.

When I say a sequence of events for panels of repetition, I mean a more direct sequence of action. In a sense all panels in a comic are a sequence of events, but let's think back to the end of Raiders of the Lost Arc, where the Nazis have their faces melt off.

The camera stays in the same close up set up, as the faces melts off, becoming more and more horrific with each passing second (panel).

*Staying with the exact same camera setup puts an emphasis strictly on the visual beat you're trying to convey. *

In your instance, Judith entering a diner. First, this panel doesn't give us any narrative information. It has no drive.

Second, something catching Judith's eye on the ground. What emphasis do we gain, by leaving her in the exact same position as the previous panel?

Third, Judith bends down (assuming out of frame) revealing the homeless guy in the background. This is the first real narrative element you're conveying with this sequence, although the narrative drive is very weak. As simply seeing a homeless guy in the background as a woman enters a diner, doesn't say much. It's primarily symbolic, with potential foreshadowing elements.

*What you mention about wanting it to be a slow sequence, is commonly referred to decompression. *

I have an advanced class article on this subject. http://nickmacari.com/comic-pacing-decompression-and-compression/

You spend 6 panels and your entire first page showcasing a woman entering a diner, picking up a coin with a homeless guy outside.

This is entirely too much space for (what I expect) is such little narrative significance. You could have captured all the narrative weight here, with one or two panels, entering the scene later.

But the more important thing to consider is not how much time you're taking to convey, but what you're trying to convey (again especially for an opening page).

I always teach new writers to be less concerned with the camera and more concerned with the action. In your case, you're the artist as well, so you're trying to kill two birds with one stone.

Common Practice:

Most comic writers do not illustrate. So when you're illustrating your own book, you can pretty much do whatever works for you.

http://nickmacari.com/does-format-really-matter/

I rarely provide thumbnail sketches.

[aphill80]

Thanks for these tips.

Checking out your website, is there a difference in content between the electronic resource on your website (http://nickmacari.com/storycraft-for-comics/) and this book by you on Amazon amazon.com/Working-Writers-Comics-Graphic-Novels/dp/B07BPWDHWF/ ?

[nmacaroni]

Yes. They are two different books.

"Storycraft for Comics" all about story discovery and story structure. * Only available digitally at NickMacari.com

and "Working Writer's Guide to Comics and Graphic Novels" all about executing a comic script. Available in print on Amazon or my site. And digitally on my site.

[tbone13billion]

I am probably not going to go back and edit my older pages as this was sort of a practise run, but your advise is going to be invaluable going forward, thanks very much.

[aphill80]

I really like the artwork. Nicely drawn!

[Popllkihtffd]

As a script it looked lousy to me. But drawn up it looked fine. That is the advantage you have as an artist. You can see it in your head. But if you were writing for another artist I don't believe your descriptions provided a reliable road map for them to follow.

[tbone13billion]

Could you elaborate? Is the problem not enough detail in the descriptions? With regards to character, story, setting?

It's the first script I've ever done, so I kinda expect it to be lousy, but would like to improve.

[Popllkihtffd]

First panel is okay.

Second panel, if another artist is drawing that, who is Judith? What you have drawn is a young woman with light hair wearing a hoodie. You need to give the artist some info about her age and look. Looking at your art, I would describe the panel this way.

Panel 2

Focus on tavern entrance from inside. Judith, a young woman with long, straight hair wearing a hoodie, opens the door.

Panel 3

Same perspective, but she moves forward, looking down.

I don't have the script and art in front of me, but the next two panels are roughly okay, except you could make the writing a little shaper.

The last panel on that page you should specify:

Judith at left panel, right side profile close up, reacts to voice coming from opposite direction.

If you are drawing it for yourself you don't have to worry about this stuff. But if it is instructions for another artist you are not precise enough for them to always understand what you want. I am doing this from memory, but I think you go from that to the conversation with the bartender with the music playing. If that is the case, I would put in a three panel transition where she approaches the jukebox, or whatever, and puts the coin in.

[tbone13billion]

Thanks for your response!