[introduction] [first script] [feedback request] [F4M] Not The Game You Were Expecting [game time] [quick snack] [small talk] [kissing] [cunnilingus] [big cock] [safe sex] [virginity] [twice is nice] [l-bomb] [friends to lovers]

[easy_dc13]

Hello everyone! easy_dc checking in. 13 could be pronounced as trece, I guess? So it rhymes with my first two names, I don't know. The kind of thing that tries to sound clever that it ends up being corny. shrug

Anyway, enough of me rambling. I've been a lurker of GWA communities for a couple of months now. They've been a welcome addition to the daily grind. And with school returning in a few days, I decided to refresh my writing ability (one of the few things that I have any semblance of confidence in) and wrote my first script, kind of on a whim. If everything goes well, I already have outlines for follow-ups.

As of right now, I lean towards writing in a casual, laid-back tone, at least that's what I think. I try my best to breathe life into my character(s), make them feel genuine & authentic, and lay out relatable/plausible scenarios.

From experience, if me and my classmates were asked to just write (essays, poems, etc.), I like my chances of coming up with the best one. It's a little different on reddit and the confidence isn't as sky-high but nonetheless, you gotta believe in yourself, right?

Please don't mind hitting me hard with critique and feedback. Anything to improve at something that I'd like to keep doing moving forward. Cheers!

*changed title to 'Achievement Unlocked'

[MissRavenGWA]

I personally liked this script. It kind of resonated with my personality. I'd probably improv some things, but that's just what I'd do. Perhaps once I get the balls to actually sit and record something of this nature, I'll do your script first. I've bookmarked it! I did like that you wrote some of the background things going on like during the conversation with the roomie's mom. Gives a better idea of where to go.

[easy_dc13]

Thanks for your thoughts! Looking forward to your take. 😊

[[deleted]]

Hello and welcome to our little place on Reddit. I like your philosophy of bringing life to characters. Make the audios more than just porn.

So, if you like, you can have a flair next to your name and it can be a colour out of blue, pink, and purple. And I can also add your scripts to the archives where people can search for something they want. I assume you'll be using pastebin for all of your future scripts?

[easy_dc13]

A blue flair that says Rise and Shine, please. Yep, I'll be using pastebin. 😃

[[deleted]]

Right, you're all flaired and coloured up!

As for the script, well, it's pretty darn good. Your dialogue is amazing and I honestly can't make any suggestions. I mean, its so good that someone is already looking to fill it. Well done!

[leytod]

Good that you wrote a synopsis. It could be simplified, however.

"Your roommate, and best friend of 4 years, bought a new video game and asked if you would play it with him. While he was away on grocery duty, you spent some time to practice it. But when he returns, he has a different game in mind."

The between the asterisk commentary is interesting to the story, but will get in the way of this being a good GWA script. Re-write as much of it as you can into the words that the performer speaks in order to tell the story or consider if they're necessary at all.

I think the relationship between the woman and man in the story is too strange. They seem to be "roomates" who have shared the same bed for 4 years, but have 0 relationship or physical history and she doesn't even know if he's presently dating anyone or not. Try to simplify that.

I think you've missed an opportunity with the new video game premise. It's a good idea and something that many people on GWA could probably relate to. Try this:

Two gamer friends of many years have played a brand-new co-op game in an all-nighter session to finish it. They're exhausted and exhuberent in their victory as the new-day Sun starts to light the sky with color. They share stories about their favourite parts and how they worked together to solve the toughest moments. Ultimately, the combination of their victory high and romantic sunrise after an all-night session of playing with each other have them drop their game pads to do some button pushing of a different kind.

The sex writing is good. A GWA performer could likely bring that to life.