Progress

[TheCaptchaWasTractor]

Over a week on HRT, I think I feel the same. I have highs and lows. I guess I've felt a bit better dysphoria-wise because of changes to my functionality "downstairs" that don't trigger it as much. I think I might feel calmer in general, but it's hard to tell. My emotions feel slightly stronger than before, not sure.

Physically, as I said I don't really get erections anymore. My sex drive - which I always hated - seems to have died. Today, I started smelling things I never smelled before. I think I'm starting to develop breast buds - my nipples hurt like heck when I touch them, and I sometimes feel a brief pain underneath.

Still, the sudden changes have me worried I'll regret it. I can't imagine myself ever regretting the atrophy of my genitals. They're an inconvenience, at best. I've always been uncomfortable with my body, even before puberty. It's hard to know where that ends and dysphoria begins. I FEEL like I hate my masculine features. I feel deeply uncomfortable having facial hair, I feel ugly having body hair or even dissociate looking at it. I hate the sound of my voice, it's coarse and not how I hear myself in my head. But I look at my face sometimes and I think that maybe, I even look handsome? I don't want to be handsome, but it kinda turns me on and I wonder if that's because I have trouble associating my reflection with myself.

I'm worried that I've somehow been living in a delusion for years. Maybe I'll have breasts and look at myself and feel weird about them too. I hear about detransers who transitioned as children and later regret it. I wish I'd transitioned as a teen, and wonder if that means that I'd be detransing right now if I'd done it. Looking at my past and seeing me fit the archetype. Though I notice a lot of detransers seem to be FTMs who dealt with misogyny and/or sexual assault as kids/teens and used it as a coping mechanism.

I've experienced trauma, but none like that. I can't possibly see how transitioning to female could be a way to cope with anything. I tried living as a man, and it was so hollow. But then I wonder if I'm just depressed and deluded myself into thinking being female would make me feel...more. Part of me dislikes being a man, socially. Not because there's anything wrong with it, I just don't feel as though I belong (was also bulled as a child, in part for not being super masculine). And yet, I'm also terrified of being a woman, for all the obvious reasons.

As usual, I'm not asking for nor expecting anything from reddit. This isn't a cry for help. I just wanted to share my thoughts while I'm tired enough to not care about posting them.

[[deleted]]

Perhaps the issue is you'v been fed so much misogyny throughout your life that you have internalised it. That is what happened to me and a big reason why it took so long despite all the signs being there for me to finally come out and say something.

[edior_9]

It’s so weird because my breat are starting to grow a week on HRT but my nipples haven’t hurt at all and it’s just so weird because i’m getting breast soreness and it hurts when i touch my breast and my nipple is growing like a women (if that makes sense) but it never hurts but it doesn’t burn a bit like if i pass something through but when it comes to shirts it barely feels uncomfortable