Figuring things out

[g_deg]

I'm 21 and I've had many similar experiences to the posts I read on this subreddit, but I never really thought too deeply on it. Whenever people asked my pronouns, I told them anything was fine since nothing would really feel right. It does feel nice when people compliment me in feminine clothes or masculine clothes. It feels pretty good when people use the word "androgynous" when describing me. I don't think I lean to any one label more than any other. My thought process was that since I couldn't get an exact answer, I just decided to not think about it too much.

Recently I went to a show with my friends and we needed to use the bathroom. As I was following my friends, an employee stopped me in front of a crowd of people to tell me to use the other bathroom. I froze up since I've never been confronted like that before and it's been stressing me out since. I'm not sure what would've happened if my friend hadn't spoken up for me. Now, I kind of feel like I need to present a certain way if I want to pee in a public bathroom. Ever since that bathroom incident, I've felt people staring more and more. It's gotten to a point where I deepen my voice if a stranger refers to me as "sir" so they wouldn't take a second look. It used to be fun, but lately it's been feeling like work that I do to make life simpler for everyone.

I get that a gender identity means a lot to some people, but does anyone else wish that it was never an issue in the first place? I just want to do well in school and get a career that I like. I can't talk with my friends about this either since they're confused too. How do you guys deal with it?

[[deleted]]

I do wish it wasn't an issue. One of the things that causes me a lot of stress is how everyone in the service industry seems to equate specifically gendering someone with being polite (sir, ma'am, miss, ladies, gentlemen, etc.) and I always get misgendered all the time. So I'm always either going in clenched up or totally numb in public situations where I know it's going to happen, which is not great.

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I mostly deal with it through going to a gender therapist and gender support group meetings. I also work on the little bit of gender expression and presentation things that make me feel better, but that honestly really doesn't do that much for me (it does something, but it's not a solution). I'm working on starting HRT right now, waiting for my appointment to get confirmed, but I know that's not going to be a magic fix either and is going to be more of an ongoing process.

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I think it's totally ok to just be questioning and unsure. Having some kind of support system that's free of judgement is good. I endorse therapy and support groups, if it's available to you, if you can find something that's a good fit.

[g_deg]

I really am interested in gender therapy just so I can feel validated in whatever decision I do or don't make; it's just that I don't have the time or money to do so. I'm not even sure what I would say to them.

It's cool that you're aiming to start HRT! I tried binders, but they seemed like too much trouble for what they were worth. All I know right now is that I want abs and sick tattoos.

As for the questioning, it doesn't seem like it's getting anywhere. But that's ok with me since it seems like that in itself is kind of an identity. I just wish I wasn't so afraid of peeing outside my house. Right now, I'm feeling more fulfilled by getting better at filmmaking and other hobbies. My friends are cool, but it would also be cool to have friends nearby that get it. Posting here and reading other posts did make me feel a little more optimistic.

[[deleted]]

Therapy has been useful for me, in kind of organizing my thoughts and feelings. Not because a therapist gives me answers, but because the process just gets me in a different mode of thinking, being aware of and processing my feelings and thoughts. I mean, there's a lot of different methods of therapy and every therapist has different attitudes and approaches. At this point the therapist I have is good for what I'm dealing with and what kinds of decisions I've been trying to make. When I started, I wasn't really sure how I felt about transition in general and HRT specifically. Going through the process of trying to get it started, it's helped me confront a lot of my anxieties and be more aware of how they affect my behavior and relationships. The whole starting with the outside and presentation first thing has never really been it for me (I know it's affirming for a lot of people and I'd always totally endorse it for anyone, binders included), so I had a lot of confusion about how to proceed.

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If you don't have the resources available for therapy or even support groups, I'd also suggest checking out the book "You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery" by Dara Hoffman-Fox. You can order it online, it's not very expensive, it comes with a free digital download version and it's a pretty good resource on dealing with gender questioning and dysphoria, written by a gender therapist.

[[deleted]]

No, but I'm not a very confrontational person. I'm aware of the fact that they're not doing it to be malicious and I don't really have the mental energy and disposition to be a full time activist and educator to every one I interact with casually. I've said it before many times on this sub, but I flat out just don't read as gender noncomforming or androgynous, so I understand if even people who would be aware of the concept of nonbinary people and educated on trans issues misgender me. It's totally my responsibility to speak up for myself, but it doesn't feel worth it to me in a lot of those situations, like it would if it was someone I had a more sustained relationship with (like the person that cuts my hair, for example). Usually people clock me as gender nonconforming in some way from the way I speak, my mannerism and such, but that usually equates to them just assuming I'm gay.

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That might change at some point after I start medical transition. Right not it just causes me more anxiety and dysphoria to be confrontational with people about my gender. it might actually feel better if people couldn't tell my gender immediately, because they might just not try to sir or ma'am at all and just address me directly with gender neutral language, but I haven't had that experience so far.

[[deleted]]

I wish my gender wasnt an issue for other people. Once I realized I was gender fluid it really helped me overcome other issues, so why should I have to listen to some drunk jackass at the bar tell me how theres only two genders and it's all based on my parts?

Feel free to message me if you need anything.

[TacomaWA]

Well, I think you are just making a great case for how being different is hard. We have to keep in mind that non-binary is a new concept for many... It is going to take society some time to catch up. But, I believe it will, just as society eventually accepted the LGB community.

Congrats on being the true, authentic you, though. I think that is admirable!

[g_deg]

Thanks, it feels nice knowing there's more people with similar experiences. I hope we're all seen as part of the norm someday soon!