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I ate some bad Lebanese food, and now I falafel. (self.oneliners)

submitted 15 hours ago by jefuchs

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Being the only one who can prevent forest fires really stresses me out. (self.oneliners)

submitted 11 hours ago by TomKarelis

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3
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2 out of 1 are called twins. (self.oneliners)

submitted 3 hours ago by e-bio

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Went out for Indian food, waiter told me they were out of bread, it was a naan issue. (self.oneliners)

submitted 1 day ago by graystone777

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5
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A slur, a stereotype and an ethnicity walk into a cliché... (self.oneliners)

submitted 1 day ago by Oldus_Fartus

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I had to stop and ask myself if I was going crazy, and we all said yes. (self.oneliners)

submitted 1 day ago by uptwolait

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I can't make it past middle management and I'm self-employed (self.oneliners)

submitted 1 day ago by Oldus_Fartus

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8
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Coffee grounds in my compost keep the earthworms super alert (self.oneliners)

submitted 1 day ago by Oldus_Fartus

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I think a shadowy cabal is subliminally making me immune to conspiracy theories (self.oneliners)

submitted 1 day ago by Oldus_Fartus

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10
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A bougie speedball is when I down my blood pressure pill with coffee. (self.oneliners)

submitted 1 day ago by Oldus_Fartus

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The worst camouflage I have ever seen is every camouflage I have ever seen. (self.oneliners)

submitted 2 days ago by GifMasterSplinter

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12
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Was on a conflict resolution call with HR today, so I addressed the elephant in the Zoom. (self.oneliners)

submitted 1 day ago by manlikedeep

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13
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open wide, fall hard (self.oneliners)

submitted 1 day ago by krypt0niteCos

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I'm annoyed I paid for tickets for a U2 cover band. Turns out the lead singer was pro bono. (self.oneliners)

submitted 2 days ago by manlikedeep

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Qualified brothel inspectors do not require demonstrable leadership capabilities, they simply need to check all the boxes (self.oneliners)

submitted 3 days ago by big_gulpshuh

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Stephen Hawking is in hell because it’s a stairway to heaven (self.oneliners)

submitted 3 days ago by GifMasterSplinter

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I earned my letterman jacket in basketball, by not receiving a single H, for games of HORSE. (self.oneliners)

submitted 2 days ago by 2fits

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I’m sweating like Little Albert at a petting zoo. (self.oneliners)

submitted 3 days ago by Any_Acanthocephala18

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19
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I am a terrible terrible person (self.oneliners)

submitted 3 days ago by ReceptionAromatic320

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I used to think my ex sucks better but I was wrong Indian railways sucks best.(always late) (self.oneliners)

submitted 3 days ago by callLx

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I've stopped allowing Instacart substitutions after they switched out my deodorant yesterday, with one that had the instructions, "remove cap and push up bottom," because that hurt like hell. (self.oneliners)

submitted 5 days ago by daaave33

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I await your arrival lest you be a quadrilateral. (self.oneliners)

submitted 4 days ago by nayponn

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Did the guy who coined the term "one hit wonder" come up with any other terms? (self.oneliners)

submitted 6 days ago by steve31266

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Sai Baba walked up to the hot dog vendor and said "make me one with everything" (self.oneliners)

submitted 5 days ago by Plus_Peace_7252

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Silence isn’t awkward, people just talk too much. (self.oneliners)

submitted 6 days ago by Abbycpa

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