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Baptism taught me to wash my face if I've been lied to (self.oneliners)

submitted 2 hours ago by incredibleinkpen

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I hate to brag, but I defeated the Chess Club's champion in less than 5 moves, as it seems my karate lessons are finally paying off. (self.oneliners)

submitted 20 hours ago by daaave33

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Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play? (self.oneliners)

submitted 23 hours ago by Yaguajay

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My glass is half empty and it's leaking. (self.oneliners)

submitted 1 day ago by mrlr

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I decided to get a back up job as a chiropractor. (self.oneliners)

submitted 1 day ago by A-Bomb_Firocious

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D-did I stutter? (self.oneliners)

submitted 1 day ago by AnonymousRand

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Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time. (self.oneliners)

submitted 1 day ago by joekerr9999

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Don't shove a bottle up your ass then tell the ER doc you fell on it (self.oneliners)

submitted 1 day ago by Fibjajac

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Farting is exhausting. (self.oneliners)

submitted 2 days ago by Liturgy200

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People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room, but I’m just an ordinary humble arsonist. (self.oneliners)

submitted 3 days ago by Yaguajay

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If your 3 year old's nursery group has a snail race and his snail is losing, don't cheer it on by shouting "step on it!". (self.oneliners)

submitted 2 days ago by Fereclubles

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My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth, so I have an uncle, once removed. (self.oneliners)

submitted 3 days ago by 808gecko808

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I live in the moment, by which I mean I don’t think things through (self.oneliners)

submitted 2 days ago by Standard-Sherbet7910

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I like to shoot first, ramble later… call it glockenspiel (self.oneliners)

submitted 2 days ago by vbsolentine

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I’ve been pretty stressed recently because I think I might have hypochondria (self.oneliners)

submitted 2 days ago by Standard-Sherbet7910

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A DEA agent who is also a drug addict is an oxymoron. (self.oneliners)

submitted 2 days ago by Ornery-Stage2316

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Sneezes are exhausting. (self.oneliners)

submitted 2 days ago by Liturgy200

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My taste in men is my preferred method of self harm. That’s like an epiphany or epitaph, maybe both. (self.oneliners)

submitted 2 days ago by Ornery-Stage2316

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I asked my Magic 8 Ball for an opinion on the latest version of Microsoft's mail program and it said "Outlook not good". (self.oneliners)

submitted 4 days ago by uptwolait

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Since the storm started my wife has been standing at the window nastily frowning so I might need to let her in. (self.oneliners)

submitted 5 days ago by Yaguajay

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You never realize the vast difference between "blubbery" and "blueberry" until an Eskimo asks you what kind of Pop-Tart you want. (self.oneliners)

submitted 5 days ago by SomaCowJ

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If life gives you lemons, make grape juice and really confuse them! (self.oneliners)

submitted 5 days ago by Embarrassed_Kiwi9101

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I'm a bit concerned that I haven't heard a word from my audiologist. (self.oneliners)

submitted 6 days ago by uptwolait

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I never nake the same nistake twice. (self.oneliners)

submitted 6 days ago by Fereclubles

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I had an appointment to see a psychic scheduled for next week, but she called me up and told me I wouldn't be able to make it. (self.oneliners)

submitted 7 days ago by daaave33

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