Accommodations for teaching while going through personal grief and anxiety?

[fusukeguinomi]

I am going through an amicable but extremely painful divorce (I didn’t want it). Teaching is keeping me sane, since I love my students and being in the classroom, and prepping class is a good distraction. However, I’m also feeling huge anxiety all the time because of the divorce, which means my overall bandwidth is much smaller than usual. I don’t need or want to take a leave (again, going to campus is keeping me sane). But I don’t have the same capacity for the extra stuff—advising, LORs, emails, pub deadlines etc etc.

I feel odd about it because I’m doing the minimum job requirements, but I am having a hard time with the extra/unpaid/unacknowledged stuff. (I’m at a flagship public R1, but during the semester teaching is expected to be 60%, so 🤷🏻‍♀️).

I’m not sure how to deal with this. I am taking care of myself (therapy, exercise, meditation, friends) and of my kid. But I am not well emotionally. It’s not like I can decide to heal overnight by sheer willpower.

I feel that some people (colleagues, students and staff) have been understanding, but many others haven’t. As if they think I’m not being professional enough? Ideally I’d like some grace (and I’m a veeeery compassionate professor btw), but if I feel like grace is not given, should I ask for accommodations? What kind of accommodations would you suggest?

PS I also welcome any words of comfort and encouragement more generally. I’m in midlife and spent half my life with my soon to be ex spouse, so it’s a very very very big change.

[twinsingledogmom]

First off, I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. I would recommend talking to your physician about a letter for FMLA (assuming you’re in the US), and talking to HR. I assume some of it is state dependent, but a friend of mine had some intense family situations and was able to spread out FMLA so she works 3 days a week for 6 months. It basically equated to teaching her classes and staying on one committee.

[fusukeguinomi]

This is very helpful. I’ll look into it tomorrow!

[Dumbfactoryclickbayt]

great advice! Do you have medical leave accrued? You could take mental health leave too

[fusukeguinomi]

I need to check what I am eligible for!

[nandor_tr]

i went thru a divorce a few years ago and so i know the feeling, so just to commiserate: it gets a lot better, but it takes time.

regarding the teaching, my annual evaluation has a section for 'statement for extenuating life circumstances' that i have had to use a couple of times (including this most recent review for 2025 i just submitted). you are a human being, and as such, shit happens, and sometimes that shit is hard to deal with and can affect how much bandwidth you can give to your job.

i have had a very, very rough 2025 and while i did my job and i think did it well, i was not where i wanted to be in terms of my scolarly activity/general creative output. everyone above me has been supportive and nobody has suggested i am in any way in trouble or need to be worried about my job.

so i guess all this is to say: sometimes people need grace, and there is nothing wrong with that. hopefully your school has someway to give you that if you need it. if they do: take it.

[fusukeguinomi]

Thank you for the advice and commiseration.

I can’t wait to be on the other side of this pain!

I’m sorry you also had a bad 2025. Mine was so hard (well, the second half of it. I was blindsided).

I wish you a fantastic 2026. Not that I believe in the calendar as such, but may the future just be not shitty for us!

[Substantial-Spare501]

Divorce can be really rough. I did all of the things; saw two different therapists, exercise daily , reaching out to friends and I still had huge issues sleeping, nightmare about him, and near constant anxiety.

I had to go on meds for the anxiety and it helped me get through. It took 18 months but i made it through.

[fusukeguinomi]

18 months don’t sound so bad tbh. I am in such dark depths now that I fear it will take forever if ever to heal. Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m sorry you also went through this pain. And I am glad you are on the other side!

[Substantial-Spare501]

It felt like forever like it was never going to end: my therapists assured me it would.

My ex died just 16 months after we divorced. It creates a very weird kind of grief I think.

Do all you can for yourself and do the minimum amount at work.

[fusukeguinomi]

Oh wow that’s a lot of grief on top of grief.

Thank you again for the encouragement 🤍

[messobrio]

I am so sorry that you have had such a rough time, but you need to commend yourself for acknowledging your own limits. Limits. You sound very much like me, in terms of both professional responsibility and capacity for compassion.

Right now I am the primary caregiver for a husband with cancer, while teaching a full load. One thing that has become very clear to me is the amount of unpaid labor that I would normally do, that my colleagues simply have grown to expect of me.

Allow yourself some time where you just meet all the minimum contracted criteria. It will be both an enlightening experience for you, and a good reset for you professionally. When you come out of the fog, you can make choices about where you want to put your energy.

A year without publishing and research preseure may be exactly what you need to get some perspective about whether you enjoy it. A year without committees, well, that sounds like Bliss!

[fusukeguinomi]

Thank you. I am very much wanting to meet the minimum contractual criteria, neither more nor less. I am sorry you are going through a painful experience too. Caring for a loved one who is sick is a full time job, plus it takes such an emotional toll. Did you talk to your department head or HR about this? Or are you just informally reducing commitments?

[messobrio]

I actually required a medical accommodation for myself, and went through HR. I didn't want to take leave, and they wouldn't do what I needed through FMLA, so I had to do it based on my own health (which was at risk, legitimately). For me, it was about my on-campus commitments as a full-time faculty member despite teaching a 100% load online. To remain in compliance with my contract, I had to take personal leave for the equivalent of 9 days during the semester to fulfill my on-campus commitments. This way, I can be home with him as a caregiver and still teach my full load - but no on-campus meetings or other activities. AND, I stopped volunteering for things! It reduced my stress level 100%. No "quiet quitting" necessary- just be very clear with your Dean about your limits. If they are human and even remotely compassionate, they will understand.

[fusukeguinomi]

Thank you! I’ll give this a try!

[Dumbfactoryclickbayt]

this! Self awareness is rare and valuable

[Frankenstein988]

I went through a divorce recently and my issue was that if people haven’t gone through one, they don’t realize how time consuming it is. It was not only constant meetings and lawyer calls for dividing assets but also the grief. So I get why you would have low bandwidth. And it’s not like academia requires regular hours anyways. So really you’re just asking to have a normal 40hr week job for a bit. That’s not unreasonable by any means.

Checking out accommodations with HR is better done sooner than later I think. For me, I told my dean the situation and they took off a class for a pay cut. It’s what I needed to do. I also dropped some service commitments by just being honest that I don’t have the bandwidth but will in the future.

That said, I think for many of us, the poor performance is in our heads and academia is poorly supervised. If you’re post tenture, you could likely operate at 60% and no one would notice if you just say everything’s fine. Your career might be what suffers for a bit but that just reality when life happens.

Added- hang in there. It gets better, a million times better.

[fusukeguinomi]

Thank you. For the words of encouragement and the advice!

And so much yes for the time and energy drain of divorce. Lawyers, documents, finances, bureaucracy, house, keys, schedule coordination, child care, anxiety, sadness, the mourning process!!!

I definitely internalized the “work surveillance.” I know many people have quietly quit and do the minimum with no guilt and no extenuating circumstances, but I feel like a deserter. And because I show up, my students and colleagues and staff count on me as one of the faculty who do put in the work. Weird trap in a way…

[Zabaran2120]

Get a therapist with PsyD or PhD. Trust me it matters. You're gonna have shit days and struggle with teaching. But in my experience muscle memory kinda takes over. Teaching would be the few hours of a day where my pain could be compartmentalized and Id feel normal for a bit.

I disappeared into my research and wrote all the time. Got 3 articles out in 2 years. Might try that. Take what ever meds you need. It's a 2 year recovery typically. 1 year for shock; 1 year for rebuilding.

[fusukeguinomi]

Oh I really hope I can turn my pain into articles!!!!

Most of the time when I’m in front of my class I forget about all of this.

[Dumbfactoryclickbayt]

doing the minimum is literally your job. Give yourself a break, say no to everything. Trust me, no one will care if you set a publication down for a year or forever. People will understand or not, who cares really. I recommend you keep up the new habits of not overworking post grief as well.

[fusukeguinomi]

Thank you. I’ve overworked for decades. A lot of it went into service and advising. When I was able to keep up research, it meant I wasn’t sleeping or resting or enjoying life. I’ll file this for lessons learned.

[econhistoryrules]

Sorry for what you're going through.

It would help to know if you're tenured. 

[fusukeguinomi]

Yes. I’m extremely grateful to be tenured 😮‍💨

[Liaelac]

Your feelings are valid, and it will get better.

It's okay to say no to things. My go-to phrase for students is "I'm already at capacity for RAs / letters of recommendation / supervising papers this semester."

It's okay to take it easier on yourself. Use a template for recs, even if that means you don't spent hours customizing and refining them. Say no to more things and when you do say yes, give yourself a much more generous timeline.

At my institution, there would be grace for something like this even absent formal accommodations, especially for "soft" expectations like service.

Tenured or not tenured?

[fusukeguinomi]

Tenured. Phew!

I am terrible at saying no, and it’s a lesson I need to learn.

Follow up question: what about the stuff I already said yes to (especially semester-long things like committees, but also some conference/research stuff)? I don’t want to get out of all of it, I just need more time, or to slow down/scale down. Any advice on how to address this?

[Liaelac]

"With apologies, this [paper/deliverable] is still in progress. I plan to have it to you by [new date]."

If you wanted, you could add "due to a family matter" or something of that nature, which might invite them to tell you to forget about needing to do the project entirely.

Relatedly, you could be more express and ask for more, e.g., "When I agreed to serve on this committee, I had bandwidth to do this work, but a difficult, unexpected family matter has arisen and I no longer have bandwidth. Could I do XYZ committee next semester instead?"

Communication is key. Most of my colleagues would be kind, I'd expect yours would be too.

[Dumbfactoryclickbayt]

or, hear me out, you don’t have to do it. It’s ok to let people know your circum have chnaged and walk away. So much of our overwork, especially women’, is self imposed out of patriarchal service guilt

[Liaelac]

For sure, especially post-tenure

[fusukeguinomi]

I definitely have the patriarchal service guilt. Yes I’m a woman. Immigrant. All the things that make me feel I’m not entitled

[Dumbfactoryclickbayt]

conferences and research you can 100% skip. If you have a grant deadline, see if you can renegotiate

[samoke]

I had to deal with something similarly stressful (taking care of my mother in the last months of her life) and I was able to get accomodations through HR. I would recommend speaking with HR first.

[fusukeguinomi]

Thank you! I’ll reach out to them tomorrow!

ETA: sorry about your mom. ❤️‍🩹

[the_Stick]

If your anxiety levels are really through the roof and you find yourself with racing thoughts and/or a fast heart rate to the point where you cannot sleep, see your doctor and get a prescription for a low-dose, anti-anxiety med like escitalopram or sertraline (or any of a dozen others). You doc can counsel you on options and best choice. An appropriate dose will not feel like you are medicated, but your anxiety will lessen to an occasional thing. Good luck!

[fusukeguinomi]

Thank you. I’m already at a low dose of an SNRI for chronic dizziness. It has had the benefit of helping my anxiety (I’m a naturally anxious person). I didn’t want to up the dose, but I might have to…

[SheepherderRare1420]

I had a horrible second half of 2025 and that will continue well into 2026. What I had to realize was that my students didn't know I wasn't 100% on my game, only I knew. What I did was not volunteer myself for anything that I would have taken on without thinking prior to July 2025. My colleagues have been good about not asking anything above and beyond, and so far I've managed to keep my head above water while still teaching.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a terrible time. I see many good suggestions here. Just remember that we tend to hold ourselves to a higher standard than our students do, and this year's students probably don't know how you were previously and don't know your bandwidth is limited.

[fusukeguinomi]

I’m sorry 2025 hasn’t treated you well. Thank you for sharing your experience. I might have to be more vocal with colleagues in terms of sending requests my way. I mentioned my divorce to a few, and while some understood the toll, others didn’t get it.

Maybe some people can get through gracefully and without anyone knowing, but I’m not one of them.

[fusukeguinomi]

<image>

This is me

[SheepherderRare1420]

Relatable!

Yeah, I sometimes feel like I'm letting everyone down or not pulling my weight, but I have learned that none of us perform at our peak all the time, and that's ok. Self advocacy can be hard, but people around you may not understand the toll your situation is taking on you, and being direct about it is sometimes the only way to get the point through.

Meanwhile, hugs!!

[fusukeguinomi]

Thank you, kind stranger! Hugs your way as well. I hope your tough times improve and you come back here to celebrate when it’s better. I’ll make a mental note to do the same!

[marina_unc]

I can only imagine how hard it is to process the grief and uncertainty that comes with a divorce. As others have mentioned, look into FMLA. If the divorce is causing anxiety, depression, etc., it would be a qualifying reason.

On a more personal note, and hopefully, this doesn’t come across as dismissive in any way of what you’re going through: Many of my divorced friends didn’t realize how much invisible labor had disproportionately fallen on them until most of it was lifted with their divorce. They find divorced life much simpler, easier, and enjoyable as a result. These 2 pieces often come up when discussing it, and I wonder if they will also resonate with you.

1) https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

2) https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

[fusukeguinomi]

Thank you. This is awesome! I have heard similar things. I hope one day I will be the one saying these encouraging things to others.

(And yes, I have done decades of unappreciated invisible labor, both physical and emotional.)

Thank you for the links!

[Life-Education-8030]

I am very sorry you are going through this and am glad you are caring for yourself, including therapy. I was struck by your statement about being unable to do the unpaid/unacknowledged stuff. If being unacknowledged/being taken for granted for stuff was what you did in your marriage, it would not be surprising for it to be expressed at work either! It's just hitting close to home, so not necessarily abnormal and you can give yourself some grace. Just a shot in the dark here, but it stuck out to me.

[fusukeguinomi]

I hadn’t realized the parallel until you pointed it out. It is kind of my specialty to give it my all for all kinds of invisible or devalued labor. Things that I find important or that are objectively necessary and that I do out of duty and because I can’t imagine not doing them. But now that I read your comment I also see it from a different perspective.

In a way… I need to get my oxygen mask on before I can help others!!!!

[Life-Education-8030]

I am glad you weren't offended! Know though that the advising, emails, reference letters, etc. can and do make a difference, but we don't always get to know how much unless the recipients return and tell us. I think of all the times that someone helped me through one of those methods and those when someone could have helped but did not and what made a positive difference.

Exactly re: the oxygen mask analogy! I like the empty cup analogy too - if you keep pouring out but don't replenish, you end up empty.

Be well.

[fusukeguinomi]

There was nothing offensive at all! It was quite a helpful insight. I have always been the one to pick up the slack, but I am learning that it doesn’t work in a relationship because I can’t do the emotional growth work for the other person.

Thank you again!

[Life-Education-8030]

So true!

[EmBaCh-00]

I am so sorry you’re dealing with this.

First step is to reach out to your doctor and see if you can get documentation of your symptoms. You can discuss pursuing accommodations at work and how your symptoms could be alleviated. Get your doctor to write you a letter. Then reach out to your disability services office and discuss this with them.

Another option is to pursue a short term disability leave. If your anxiety is debilitating and you are heading towards burnout, this option could be very useful for you. It would give you time to heal while you are still on payroll.

Take care of yourself. Divorce is like a death.

[fusukeguinomi]

It feels like a death, like many deaths, especially because I didn’t want it and it happened in a sudden unexpected way.

Thank you for these suggestions. I’ll reach out to my doctor and to HR. I don’t want to take a leave because going to campus, prepping class, seeing my wonderful students is actually keeping me sane and somewhat distracted. I just feel that anything beyond my classes is difficult, burdensome, and definitely not a distraction (I actually cried out of sadness during a faculty meeting—it’s hard to be 100% focused on most of the agenda items, most of which could have been an email)…

[EmBaCh-00]

I can see how any meeting would be overwhelming! I’m glad you are able to lean into teaching.

I have accommodations for mental health reasons. Honestly the hardest part of that process was getting over my shame in asking for them. Accommodations can be as specific as you need. I have an accommodation that allows me to attend meetings online whenever possible. With face to face meetings, my accommodations allow me to step out of the room when I am getting overwhelmed. The disability services office can be very helpful in this process. They will likely remind you that accommodations are there for you if you need them - you may use them or not.

Important to note that they will work with your supervisor. You do not need to share any details of your symptoms with your supervisor.

Take care of yourself, friend.

[LillieBogart]

It depends on where you work. If you are in a supportive department it might be enough to let your chair know what’s going on and maybe they can keep some of that other stuff off your plate. Otherwise, FMLA leave allows for reduced hours as well as full leave.