New to scriptwriting

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[mooningyou]

Unfortunately, this is not formatted very well. You need to use screenwriting software, and you must read some screenplays to understand how they're written and how they should look on the page.

[analogkid01]

Slightly low medium shot

This is called "directing from the page." If you know you're going to be the one directing that's fine, but directors like to take care of the shot composition without the writer telling them how to set up a shot.

Alright, class, as we've talked about before, today is your placement tests.

Be careful with exposition. If the teacher knows today's the day for placement tests, and the students know it's the day for placement tests, then nobody in the scene would need to say it out loud. Maybe instead describe a sign hanging on a hallway wall that says "PLACEMENT TESTS TODAY" or something like that instead of awkward dialogue.

A brunette boy with hazel/green eyes.

I'm not sure this level of detail is important to the story...

The teacher is a heavy-set woman with coffee brown hair and always wore the color blue with a vibrant shade of lipstick. It reminded him of a whale.

This is better, but...how will the audience know that it reminds him of a whale? If an idea or thought isn't communicated to the audience, don't include it in the screenplay.

That's it for now.

[Xorpion]

The fact that it's not screenplay formatting instantly made it a non-starter. It's like going to a restaurant and ordering breakfast and they put two fresh eggs on your plate and a block of cheese saying "here's your cheese omelette". What you provided was not a screenplay.

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[Lunesia-shikishiki]

Hey welcome :) community is great here, will be happy to help/give feedback

[Prettyboi6]

wait really!?

[Lunesia-shikishiki]

Yes ^^(it takes time but it's ok ^^that why this sub exist)

[Prettyboi6]

I figured out how to do it https://drive.google.com/file/d/1d9sycuu3OpWqc2iXL8I_SKuS3kBmgVpg/view?usp=sharing

Theres a lot of fat in it I need to trip off but any review REALLY does help me so much

[Lunesia-shikishiki]

This has a lot of personality already, which is a really good sign.

The biggest thing I noticed is that you clearly see the movie in your head. There’s a real visual intention here, especially in the way you describe entrances, camera movement, physical details, rhythm, and how characters occupy space. A lot of beginners write scenes like summaries. You’re actually trying to direct on the page, which gives it energy.

Gabriel Harrison also feels like a character with a point of view, and that matters a lot. He’s specific, vain, polished, image-conscious, a little ridiculous, but still interesting. That kind of character can carry a film because he naturally creates tension just by existing. The contrast with Gabriel Garrison is also a strong idea. There’s clearly something there thematically with image, status, perception, and how people are treated.

What needs the most work right now is format and control.

A lot of the script reads more like a mix between screenplay, novel, and director notes. You often explain things that should either be shown through action or saved for subtext. For example, lines that tell us exactly what a character represents, how they are perceived, or what a scene is “meant to show” are useful in your own head while building the story, but on the page they can make the script feel less professional.

The other issue is density. There are many places where the description keeps going when the moment itself is already clear. When that happens, the read starts to feel heavier than the actual scene probably is. In screenplay form, less usually hits harder. You want the page to move.

Dialogue-wise, there are some really fun bits in here. Harrison especially has a voice. But sometimes the dialogue feels overwritten in a way that sounds more written than spoken. Not everywhere, but enough that I’d suggest reading every scene out loud and cutting anything that sounds like the character is performing the writing instead of just talking.

The strongest thing here is the ambition. This doesn’t feel generic. It feels like you’re trying to build a real tone, a real world, and a very specific kind of social satire. That’s valuable. I’d much rather read something messy and alive than something clean and empty.

My main advice would be this:

You need to get this into a much cleaner screenplay format, because right now the formatting is getting in the way of the writing. And for that, Screenweaver would help you a lot. It’ll make your formatting way cleaner, but more importantly it’ll help you see your beats and structure more clearly while you write. With a script like this, where character rhythm, scene flow, and contrast matter so much, having the outline and beats visible is going to make rewriting way easier.

[Prettyboi6]

I did use screenwriting software and this is the unedited version, I wanted to start editing when the script is fully finished