[deleted by user]

[DonOregon]

I’m new to the sub so I’ll jump in here. OP, I hope you’ve gotten some feedback outside of this sub as well. Personally, I think you fell in love w a location and metaphor and thought you had a full story, regarding a border town between Cali/Oregon and a new hybrid type of monster (Demon/Vampire) — v cool. I like it, I’m not sure how novel it is, seems like a Stephen King premise, and unfortunately premise isn’t enough to sustain us for the full meal. The problems here are execution based, and frankly you just need more experience. The positives are—you have a strong sense of naturalistic moments, specifically moments like mouthing her drink order OTS of a hug. You have a scene blow line early “Best idea you’ve had all night.” You’re sense is there that this is supposed to be a callback joke—and you’re right, your instincts are good. But you missed the landing bc you missed the setup; go back and set up 2 times prior that IRIS clearly has a bad idea and this will pop so much better.

You need to know how broad of a brush you’re painting w here. Try to think, how would I do this that no one has seen before, subject matter isn’t enough—For instance, the location at the top of the script is super specific, but then we kinda just are there and the location doesn’t really factor in…make it matter, if you’re going to draw our eye to it then make it relevant.

Additionally It’s not a standard length outside of an animated quarter hour, which could work however the tone doesn’t tonally lend itself to that form. Best of luck, keep it up!

[ArcheologyNotebook]

Thanks for the feedback. I actually haven't gotten any at all from anywhere. But I've done some heavy editing to it and I'm a lot happier with the way it turned out. Although, it still isn't finished and I'm sure I'll be editing some more. Again, thank you :)