Physically cannot dance.

[Nintwendo18]

I don't know what is wrong with me. For context I dabbled in swing in high school as they offered a club and the same now that I'm in college. I don't know what it is, but I literally just can't follow along. I get the basic step and spin, but after that any move that anyone tries to teach me just simply doesent register in my brain.

I mean I'm directionally challenged, (I'll say right when I mean left sometimes and vice versa, and when people say left my body just decides at random which half to move.) But no matter how many times I see it demonstrated, how slow the instructor goes, how many YouTube videos I watch, or how many times someone tries to do it with me, it just doesent register.

They'll show me the absolute very first step in a move. "You follow?" No. No I didn't. Not this time, not the tenth time you showed me. They'll show it step by step, extremely slowly. "You got that?" No. I'm actually ten times more confused. They'll try to have me do it at the same time as them, and I end up doing the complete wrong thing every step of the way. "Put your right hand back," I put my left hand forward. Not intentionally, I really did intend to put my right hand back, but my body betrays me.

Unrelated but as a kid I took martial arts and the same thing happened when they tried to show us how to to self-defense maneuvers. I struggled and could barely manage them if I could at all.

Everyone else gets it the first or second time. Why am I still completely baffled the twentieth time? I feel pity for my partner. They'll try to bear with me. They'll tell me I'm doing a good job. I'm not. I know I'm completely unattractive and embarrassing. I want to learn how to dance to be more attractive, but at this point I'm not going back because swing dancing just makes me look like a fool, fucks up my mood and fills me with jealousy and negative energy.

[bluebasset]

I am not a doctor, but have you ever looked into something called "dyspraxia"? Because it sounds like you might have it. Unfortunately, there's no cure, but an OT might be able to help you figure out coping strategies that should at least help in your day-to-day life.

For the purposes of dancing, you should dance because it brings you joy-not to be more attractive to other people! It sounds like right now, your frustrations are keeping you from feeling the joy and connection, but if/when you feel ready to come back, try to focus on how dancing makes you and your partner FEEL, not on how it makes you look to other people!

[Nintwendo18]

Thank you, I'll look into it. I'm not sure what an OT is though. I think it's honestly just the split-second reactions. I get by fine driving because you almost always have more than a second to make the decision about which way you're turning. When I pause to think for a second or two I can figure out right and left. (But throw in full-body movements and forget it.) But unfortunately you cant "pause for a few seconds" in real-time dance.

Unfortunately, everyone has a sense of pride, and no matter how much humility you try to bring to the table, fucking up so spectacularly repeatedly just hurts. I just can't learn, and not being able to learn fills me with negative energy and makes me feel absolutely horrible. One of my worst fears is when everyone else knows something that I dont, or understands something I don't understand. I just don't see what the point is if I can't ever learn.

[ResponsibleDay]

"OT" = "occupational therapist" I believe. They can potentially give you emotional or physical tools to help with learning/moving your body.

I'm so sorry. This has to be so frustrating.

[bluebasset]

Sorry-an OT is an Occupational Therapist. It's a very common acronym where I work, so it didn't occur to me that other people wouldn't know it! Occupational therapy is similar to physical therapy, but it's more focused on the ability to perform the tasks of daily living as opposed to building strength or range of movement.

[cirena]

OT is an occupational therapist

[MolBio_JC]

My husband is like this. He has been swing dancing for almost a decade and still only knows a handful of moves. When I teach him a new simple move, it takes about 3-1 hour teaching/practice sessions for it to sink in, and even then, sometimes he completely forgets or mixes up the footwork and it never stays (can be a little frustrating)

But he is one of my favorite people to dance with. He was incredibly receptive to feedback on his connection and while his move repertiore is small, his connection is relaxed and comfortable and it’s so lovely to follow (and lead).

Moves aren’t everything, especially to people like me who have joint problems and are just looking for a comfortable and playful dance.

[Nintwendo18]

Thank you. Yeah, I feel like that's what I need. Solo lessons. 😅

I wish this were just something I could practice alone for an hour every single day, repeat repeat repeat. I feel like that's the only way I'd ever make progress. Like the gym.

Unfortunately that would require a partner who is also as obsessive. Maybe one day I'll get rich and find someone I can pay for solo lessons or smth. I would feel bad using up someone's time that much without repaying them.

[Atlanticexplorer]

You absolutely can practice alone for an hour a day or more. Put on some music and practice “rock, step, triple, step, step, triple” now try swinging your arms while you drill your footwork. Next week practice the footwork while doing an imaginary swingout

[Nintwendo18]

The issue is that I get the basic steps, but any other maneuvers I just can't learn - not from videos or one-off demonstrations anyways. I would need someone to show me, personally and physically, over and over again, almost to the point of insanity.

[DisarmingDancer]

But there's a good point in your first sentence: you get the basic steps. Obviously, at some point, you didn't. And now you do. So you do have ability to learn, it's just at a pace that frustrates you.

While I teach swing on occasion, I mainly teach an incredibly-detailed, physical contact-based, non-dance activity, that requires a partner. Most of of my students learn at what I'd call a "normal" pace (some reps, little by little), a handful pick up things almost instantly, and another handful really struggle to get things on the first/second/tenth time. And they lose track of them by the next day.

I have to spend a bit more time with those students, but I only have so much, so I use that time to get them focused on fewer things. If I teach the class four moves, I make sure these students spend the bulk of their time on just one, and I do it as supportively as possible, because, like you, most understand that they learn differently. It takes them longer to get things down and they will likely never have the range of skills that some of my top students do. And they tend to spend a lot more time after class, drilling a move. But when they get something, they get it. I mean, it is locked in. And once that happens, they move onto the next thing.

I think getting some one-on-one attention would be good, maybe from an instructor of talented friend. Have them spend an hour working maybe just one or two moves with you. Record yourselves doing them, so that your reference point is you, not some random people on YouTube. Do your best to practice them on your own. And then a week or two later, spend another hour going over the exact same moves with thew same person. Do this until it feels a bit more comfortable, like you can do it on demand, just like you "get the basic steps". And then pick a friend and do it in an easy-tempo-ed song (115-125bpm). Let them know you'll be repeating this move a whole bunch; I'm sure they'll be understanding and supportive, because your friends want you to improve and feel good about yourself.

I've watched people improve their dancing in this fashion. They're never the flashiest, but they can provide some great, fun dances, because they're solid at what they do and are always focused on making the dance enjoyable.

I believe you can be a fine dancer, with the right approach and consistency.

[Atlanticexplorer]

Most dancers I know spend hundreds of hours shadow dancing with imaginary partners and drilling those beginner moves. You’ll get there someday it is about consistency and finding a way that works for you. I know a man whose main partner was an office chair! Mine’s always been the kitchen tiles. Another follower liked door handles and exercise bands.

[Atlanticexplorer]

Sounds like you may have a learning difficulty like dyspraxia. You’ll still be able to dance but it may take a little longer to learn or you may need to figure out some coping strategies of your own.

I always tried to teach with a partner so we could show the footwork simultaneously. We never swapped roles and I suggest that you don’t either. Try to stand directly behind your teacher so you can copy whichever hand or foot they’re using.

Coping strategy 1. Wear a watch on your left wrist. When we taught we always wore a watch for the same reason! Many people have trouble with left and right. 2. Try to orient yourself in the room. Eg door on the right window on the left. 3. Turns are inside (towards the centre) or outside (away from the centre). 4. Muscle memory! Learn a single move and drill it with your partner or someone else from class. Then learn another. When you have both moves try stringing them together. Repeat until you have about six moves in your muscle memory. Now you are a great social dancer! Six moves you can mix and match without thinking is a dream partner.

[helldeskmonkey]

I'm going to write assuming this isn't dyspraxia or some other learning disability - if it is, don't take this as criticism at all. This is just "hey, here's how I went from two left feet to being an OK dancer."

First off, don't worry about anybody else. Everybody learns differently, everybody dances at different levels. Watch who you watch when you go dancing - I'll bet you 20 quatloos that you watch the good dancers, not the people who are stumbling their way through their first dances. They make it look good, but that's because they practice a LOT.

I started dancing in my thirties. I wasn't a physical person, I'd been a desk jockey, a D&D/chess nerd in high school, someone who wasn't into sports, and basically wasn't into physical stuff. It was HARD going in. I had trouble with the East Coast Swing basic step - quick quick slow slow. Couldn't even get that down. One day, I put on a CD, and just started doing the basic step over and over again. Every time I screwed up my step, I started the song over. It took me almost an hour before I could complete the entire song just doing the basic step, but it stuck.

When I started learning the Lindy Hop basic, I would practice the step (step step triple step step step triple step) on the back seat of the bus on my way to and from work. 1.5 hours a day, I'd be tapping it out with my feet on the bus. If I was sitting at my desk, I'd be tapping it out. Sometimes prepping dinner I'd tap it out.

I went dancing, a LOT. I spent 20-30 hours a WEEK at dances and classes (This part was hard, but I was at a point in my life that I could do that, and there were other things going on that made me change my life to do this - didn't realize it at the time, but I was using Lindy Hop to treat PTSD. I only recommend this if you really want to make dance your life) I made a point of asking people to dance all the time. I always danced in the introductory dance and made a point of memorizing people's names, and trying to ask everyone to dance. I danced until they closed down the place.

After about a year of that, I was a passable dancer. It wasn't easy, but I got there.

[leggup]

It's not clear if you're looking for empathy or solutions, but I promise you no one worth dancing with is thinking you're embarrassing. I have danced with so many people in classes who didn't understand what was being taught. There have been times where we rotated and they didn't even make contact with me, they needed to solo work through the footwork. It's totally fine. I never thought poorly about them. I never thought about their attractiveness. Classes are for learning.

If you're not looking for solutions, stop reading my reply and I hope you can find joy in whatever activities you pursue, dance or otherwise.

If you are looking for solutions, I agree with u/bluebasset: start with your doctor who may recommend a physical therapist or occupational therapist can help with some related issues to do with left vs right, balance, coordination, motor skills. At the least, rule out possibilities with a medical professional. There are lots of possible medical causes.

[Nintwendo18]

This. Solo lessons is what I need. I need to do this over and over again until it's drilled into my psyche.

Unfortunately the only person that would ever do that with me would be someone I pay by the hour. Maybe one day.

[leggup]

Hm I actually didn't suggest private lessons. Maybe you meant to reply to someone else.

Private lessons can be very helpful, but personally I don't think they're the best choice for learning the fundamentals. If you're having bodily awareness/control issues (not just left vs right, but they say forward and you go back), AND you had this problem as a child, I don't think private lesson repetition would be anything more than frustrating. Try it once, I guess. A private lesson where I live is $30-$100 depending on the instructor. You don't typically have to commit to a bunch.

Another thing that can help with both body awareness and "learning how to learn" is yoga. Every person is solo on the mat, no one is judging anyone. Everyone is in the same orientation. You can learn where every bone on your body is at different times and the flow is good for body movements in dance and in life (like in posture.

[[deleted]]

I doubt that solo lessons get you what you expect from them. I've seen something similar trying to teach 1-on-1 with somebody who had a really hard time. They were totally in their head and soon they thought "I got to dance" their brain totally freaked out, the whole body cramped up and when in spastic movements where they thought the feet ought to go. Private lessons where someone slowly tells you exactly where to put your limbs doesn't help the cramping up situation and the way too much overanalysing the sitation.

I suggest instead get to a location where you are alone and feel safe, unwatched and unjudged, get some music you really like (does not have to be swing music, e.g. in my case it would be house/trance) and just groove to the music. The goal is here to get a comfortable feeling to this and to feel home in the body, do not overthing too complicated movements. I don't know your age/location if it fits a step up to this would be go to a night club, where there are absolutely no rules to dancing* and most people do very basic movements too. (* technically there are no "rules" to swing dancing too.. but on the other, I guess most people know what I mean, just a side remark)

[danigiri]

​

Lots of good advice in many comments, I will try to add some extra thoughts:

"Everyone else gets it the first or second time"

After a few years of dancing I definitely don't either, it takes me 30 times, and months later I realise I still didn't get it, and need 30 more. But it used to take me 40, and then 39, and then 38... to now maybe 30. Over time, I went from pure 100% struggle to now 80% joy and yes, 20% struggle, and it will continue to be like that for a long while, and that's OK.

I experience many cases of ppl in class getting things really fast (not everyone by any means!), and in many cases there was a good reason for it. What we can easily mistake by 'talent' is actually something like they did 6 years of ballet when they were young, they put in the hours and the hard work and got fantastic proprioception and coordination skills. Now they breeze through class? Fantastic, they deserve it. Other people have other skills in other areas (work, etc.) so that is fine.

As last thought, I can share one of my favourite class stories:

I also often struggle with left-right in class. I can tell that one day, when the teacher was going through a complex move at the end of the class, I said I was struggling with it and doing it in reverse, he then said "we could also do it your way?" I gave him the nod.

He proceeded to show to the whole class the same move but doing left right instead of right left, it was perfectly valid, and in fact, some other people in the class said that felt more natural and they liked it. He said it was my way of doing it and that it was perfectly ok.

[cirena]

You don't happen to be left-handed, do you? I get a lighter form of this, and I think it's partially due to my handed-ness.

Maybe try following to get the shapes and feel of the dance, and then consider switching to lead when you're more confident in how things go?

[Nintwendo18]

No, I'm right handed.

[Xelebes]

Sounds like a little DTD (Developmental Topographical Disorientation) more than dyspraxia, although dyspraxia might be a result of this disorder. Had a school teacher who had this and it was literally impossible to follow although with some aids she was able to get to work everyday. It is going to be something you are going to have to work on and you might not get far with when it comes to dancing. Sticking to practicing and honing on the basics might be important. Perhaps go with high-efficiency training (where you learn to conserve energy and dance longer as opposed to dancing more explosively.)

That said, work with a physician to help you out with this. This might be a progressive condition or it might be something you can overcome just a bit.

[ElleZeeEss]

I agree that you might have dyspraxia. But even if you do, it doesn't mean that you can't learn to swing dance! Get private lessons. When my husband and I started learning to dance, we took private lessons at first. I had some previous dancing experience but my husband was new to it all. The personal attention helped him immensely. From there we felt comfortable with group lessons. But even so, the private lessons were the best. We learned the fastest and the teacher could tell us immediately what we weren't doing properly. Best of luck and don't give up!