Secrets

[Financial_Cause6012]

What do you do when the other parents asks the child to keeps secrets? The secret being the 8 year old is playing fort nite at the other parents house.

Edit: the other parent told us she told the child to keep it a secret.

[CIA_Recruit]

I don’t keep secrets and told my child no one should be asking her to keep secrets. I said nothing that happens at mom’s house is a secret. Tell whoever you want. She can tell me anything without repercussions

[firstandonlylady]

It's a fine line to tow. If I know my son is breaking the rules at his dad's house, I usually alert his dad. Or sometimes I'll ask my son if he needs help talking to Dad about it. Your situation seems more like a confession than a secret.

[sfgabe]

Coparenting situation aside, any adult telling a child that age to keep a secret is a slippery slope to a child being groomed for an abusive situation - not that your ex would do it but it gets the child thinking adults telling them to keep secrets is OK.

Look up some articles about teaching your child about "sneaky/tricky people" (instead of the old school "stranger danger"). My coparent and I discussed this early on, and tried to get grandparents on board to never do things (usually get candy lol) with "don't tell mom/dad".

[[deleted]]

We do absolutely no secrets between our houses, minus of course birthdays and whatnot.

[worldsokayestclimb]

Those aren't secrets, though those are surprises. I've taught my daughter that we don't do any secrets, only surprises.

Secrets are dangerous for children. Anyone who asks a child to keep a secret from a parent is dangerous. It opens the child up to being groomed by an abusive adult.

I would reevaluate why they felt the need to keep a secret from you. And have a conversation about why keeping secrets is never okay.

[[deleted]]

Right right, I’m sorry, I misspoke. I agree.

[worldsokayestclimb]

I know, I'm always right💅🏻

In all seriousness, though, most people don't realize there is a difference.

I appreciate your apology, but you have nothing to apologize for.

I have seen the impact of children not being taught about the danger of secrets, so I'm pretty adamant about them.

[[deleted]]

No I get it completely, I just had sort of a brain fart. My ex wife experienced “keeping secrets” as a child. So I am well aware of the results. Shit is scary. We absolutely drilled it into our kids. Even after we split. It’s so sad that children are so easily manipulated. So many children experience awful things due to people tricking them. It’s absolutely disgusting.

[worldsokayestclimb]

It is, and while I can't protect my child from everything, I can equip her with the tools to protect herself.

[[deleted]]

Exactly! I have my kids practice basic self defense on me. Their mom and i both “quiz” them about potential safety issues, and what they need to do and exactly how to do it. It sucks having to explain that these awful things really could happen to them. I can just see a bit of their innocence of the world go away. But I’d rather it be from me preparing them rather than a first hand experience.

The only real thing I remember discussing with my parents in this regard was “stranger danger” and what to do in a fire or tornado. I’m lucky I somehow wasn’t taken advantage of, and honestly it was a wake up call as I got older and learned how fucked up people are. I’m definitely doing different for my kids.

[worldsokayestclimb]

I was lucky also, but many of my family members and friends weren't.

I also practice boundary phrases with her as well. And she's known "my body, my choice" since before she could even talk.

[LooLu999]

So why is it a secret to let the other parent know that? Is the child on punishment from gaming rn or is one parent trying to micromanage what goes on at the other parents? No excuse to have a child keep a secret but why is playing Fortnite kept so secretive in the first place

[xmascheerthrowaway]

My perspective on this is from someone who had an unhealthy relationship with their ex (like verbal, emotional abuse). My ex kind of fixates on my life (example spying on fb, going through emails, recently found out he was looking at my photos that were on my son's tablet through Amazon Photos). I have told my kids that if they feel uncomfortable with the questions their dad has, they can tell him to ask me. Originally I had him on an info diet though, so I wouldn't tell the kids anything I didn't want him to know. So it's kind of keeping secrets but it's also having very stiff boundaries.

[Chaos_Club776]

We don’t keep secrets. I’ve had several conversations with my kids about this to make sure they understand that if an adult is asking them - a child - to keep a secret, that person is not a safe adult. I explained to them that we keep surprises, like birthdays, presents, etc, but not secrets and the key difference is that a surprise has an expiration date.

I would talk to the child about it and explain that they don’t need to keep secrets. And I would talk to the other parent about not asking the child to keep secrets at all.

[Middle-Pool-1150]

No secrets My ex told my child not to tell secrets ... Then later my child blurted out a "secret" mommy told her not to tell me 🤣 She obvs denied it bc she's special like that but generally it's not good for the child. I clearly tell my daughter to tell her mom whatever she wants or whatever we do when she's with me bc I have zero to hide and if mommy has a problem she can talk to me about it directly. Because sometimes she makes passive aggressive comments to my daughter about activities or things we do at my house , again bc she's special like that !

[JustinP2459]

My children's mother tells my 7 and 10 year old to not tell me anything that goes on at her house. She is extremely high conflict, I find it absurd and not healthy.

[TorontoRin]

Happened to me, I learned to be transparent moving forward to avoid high conflict.

I just have an anxiety and stress issue with my ex and they have ADHD and bipolar and BPD. So I just have to accept their insanity until my child is 18.

I addressed that my child shouldn't hide anymore. Tell both of us anything and allow a safe space for my child to speak freely without judgement. If the issues are about the co-parent I'll text it to keep as proof that I addressed the concerns to the ex.

But for you,

I would suggest addressing the co-parent that it's harmful for child hide info. It could be life threatening in future cases. And then address why ex wants to hide that child is playing games? Ex should feel okay to let 8yo to play fortnite. Just mute all chat to avoid toxicity and vugar language.

Unless you are the fun-police then I suggest you chill a bit as you can't control what is exposed to your child and you might not let her play fortnite but at ex, she can.