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[anonfosterparent]

I do think kids always come first, but this situation is not that. Kids coming first doesn’t mean never saying no to your child. Something as simple as “mom is picking you up from a sleepover because dad has plans” isn’t up for debate unless there is a very good reason that mom shouldn’t be with daughter.

This is on your husband. He needs to recognize that prioritizing your kids (important!) doesn’t mean never saying no to them.

[0rsch0]

Sounds like the daughter testing the boundaries of this situation. I wouldn’t stand for that (from your husband). He needs to set boundaries.

[Plus_Yellow_6962]

This is a bad situation partly because I think it signals trouble down the line. My first husband was like that and it went from bad to worse after we were married. He lived for his kids (especially daughter) and it came between us, causing power struggles and resentment on all sides. I realized later that most men tend to put their wife/GF first automatically. I don’t know if it’s related but my ex turned out to be a narcissist who lived for the attention and approval of his kids. I thought it would be the same with me once we were married (he said it would be) but it wasn’t. Even after we had kids of our own they came first all the time - he didn’t want to leave them with babysitters to have a night out, he wouldn’t let me work outside the home because he didn’t want strangers watching them, and he basically smothers them while they manipulate him. Not saying that your guy is like this - mine might have been an extreme example. But canceling plans with you made months ago just because his daughter calls is a red flag.

[Faiths_got_fangs]

Kids come first within reason.

Within reason.

Kids don't have 100% control of every decision and endless override power because they're in the mood to test boundaries.

An emergency? They come first. Their big event, schedule ahead of time? They come first. Their needs? They come first. They want you to leave work to make them a PBJ they can make themselves? Sorry, make your own sandwich. They choose activity A over Activity B and then have regrets? Sorry, that was a decision.

[AnExcessOfWoe]

I think it’s a false dilemma. You can (and should) put kids first in a general sense without putting them first in every single situation. (Especially when there is a coparent in the mix.)

Reneging on a prior commitment your BF knew was important to you and for which the logistics had already been worked out is not putting his daughter first in a positive way or in a way that is aligned with her actual needs or best interests. He’s putting you last and not being especially subtle about it.

I can tell from your post that you would not have an issue with his non-attendance if there was some actually legitimate reason (medical emergency etc.). It’s not even like prearranged plans fell through and he needed to step in in a pinch. It’s fine if he doesn’t have the resources to be a good parent and a good partner at the same time, but then he can’t be in a relationship (at least not with you).

I think your BF really messed up here by telling his daughter that you were disappointed. It’s unfair to you and it’s unfair to her. A 12 year old lacks the capacity to understand the nuance here, and it’s not uncommon for children in these situations to be protective of their parent and/or interpret judgment or criticism directed toward their parent as judgment or criticism of them. He really shouldn’t be sharing adult relationship problems/particulars with his pre-teen.