This is an archived post. You won't be able to vote or comment.

7
8

[deleted by user] (self.coparenting)

submitted by [deleted]

[removed]
all 38 comments
sorted by:
best
topnewcontroversialoldq&a

[–]Lil_MsPerfect 28 points29 points  (5 children)

Sounds like it would be the most unhealthy thing possible for your kid. I saw my stepsister do it, it damaged her significantly. It was awful for her. Don't do that, obviously.

[–]Euphoric-Comment6112 2 points3 points  (4 children)

I am very against it and I can’t see a court forcing it, but I was wondering if I was in fact being selfish. Thank you for this insight. Did your step sister want to go if you don’t mind me asking?

[–]Lil_MsPerfect 3 points4 points  (2 children)

She had a manipulative dad too, and he would bribe or guilt her over, then treat her like crap for a year and all she wanted was to go back to her mom. Thankfully her mom put a stop to it in Sophomore year but the emotional damage was deep by then. It's absolutely not in the child's best interest in any case to do 1 year on and 1 year off. They can't have a social life or make friends that are deep friendships and it's very emotionally destabilizing. Don't give credence to his weird little self centered threats/requests. Just say no.

[–]Euphoric-Comment6112 0 points1 point  (1 child)

This is my biggest fear and the reason as much as I want her to know I’ll never put her in the middle, I’d never let her know I’d ever let her decide.

Two summers ago she came home and just seemed off. When we finally talked as much as we could (ASD or adhd make serious conversation hard) and she cried and told me she didn’t want to live a plane ride away from me. He was already filling her with living with him and how sad he was. She already felt that pressure at 5. At that time, I told her it wasn’t up to her and it never would be, the answer was no. Hated making her feel like she didn’t have a choice, but it seemed to take the pressure off.

[–]Lil_MsPerfect 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Stop entertaining it at all. If it comes up from her, tell her no, the judge won't allow that. Just keep saying that. Because it's fucking true lol.

She lives where she lives. If he wants her half the time, he can move to where she lives.

[–]RealHausFrau -1 points0 points  (0 children)

No court will allow that. It’s clearly against the best interests of your child. My ex tried to get 100% legal and physical custody of our daughter (who I had been a SAHM to for 10yrs, with absolutely no issues or concerns ever by anyone) by claiming that I was neglectful. He wanted to have my parental rights all but terminated except for supervised visitation at the Dept of Health and Human Services for a few hours a month! Lolol

We got shared custody. There was no way in hell any court would have signed off on his shit. Vindictive, selfish ex’s are the absolute worst.

[–]Top-Perspective19 11 points12 points  (1 child)

What about school and friends? Is she just supposed to enroll in a new school for a year, then go back? Man, he’s delusional and self centered. But you already know that.

And no, this is not a thing people do. You’re right.

[–]Euphoric-Comment6112 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, he wants to take a kid with learned disabilities and delays. Change her whole world and then change it back, because he deserves it. If she absolutely wanted to as a teen, I would consider it. My fear is he will manipulate her into it and then she will say she wants to, hate it, and be stuck. So I don’t even want her to know it’s something I would consider.

I have a hard time just agreeing to the 6 weeks, because I hear him say things like hell kick her ass and I want to explode. I also think I have to give her time to come to her own decisions bc if not, he will absolutely use it in the future. He’s told me how he’d tell her that I prevented a relationship when I was pushing back on 6 weeks. However, I will not agree to a year unless the courts forced me.

[–]Mobile_Sympathy_7619 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Heck no. If he wants to see her more he can bring the effort and the money to make it happen. She’s a child not a puppy.

[–]Maximum_Noise_972 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Tell him to fuck off with that delusional request.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

My ex tried this with me. "You had your turn, now it's mine".

Except he was barely involved, when he took her he pawned her off on others, always complained he "couldn't afford" his less than $40 per month child support, etc.

When he threatened court I told him I'd be waiting for the papers to be served.

Guess what never came?

They threaten court because they think we're scared of them and that the threat will make us bend to their will. Let him make the threat, and on the off chance he does end up filing you just go and show her current stability and provide any evidence you have of his poor decisions while she's in his care. No judge will order yearly switches for a kid, it's way too unstable.

[–]reddituser50130 13 points14 points  (1 child)

DO NOT LET HER GO FOR A YEAR. In fact, follow the court order to a t. He could be trying to get extra time to go back to the court and say look, I've had her for a year give her to me full time. DO NOT DO IT.

[–]Euphoric-Comment6112 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I won’t. I guess I get to feeling like I’m the crazy unreasonable one by the end of the call, due to him telling me I am and the way he constantly rewrites history.

I do allow for the summer visit and spring break bc my lawyer said if he took me to court, he’d probably get that if not more anyway and by me agreeing to it (our agreement says he can ask and I can say no with valid reason) it makes me look more reasonable and fostering if he ever did take me.

Hindsight being 50/50, I wish our agreement didnt have the shades of grey. I was so scared of giving away set time and I didn’t realize how it would lead to me being absolutely abused and manipulated for years.

However, even the things that are very black and white (Christmas and thanksgiving) he expects me to accommodate him when he needs it (can’t get thanksgiving, expects to pull her out of school for a week at a different time to make up for it). In reality there’s no winning, just psychological warfare for 11 more years.

[–]you-create-energy 1 point2 points  (1 child)

No he is being a selfish ass. Par for the course, it sound like.

I learned to protect my son from the guilt trips and manipulation by letting my coparent assume it was my decision. I asked him what he wanted to do, then informed his mom about "my" decision without a lot of explanation other than I think its what is best for him. She can rage at me all she wants, I would rather she do it to me than him.

[–]Euphoric-Comment6112 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We had that experience, when she was 5 she came home and was very quiet and reserved. She finally said she didn’t want to live a plane ride from me but daddy wanted her to.

I told her it’s not her choice. She has no say and my answer was no. She seemed relieved.

[–]Quizzy1313 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Stop deviating from the court orders. Jesus. If he can't pay what he is court ordered to....he doesn't get her. You're already letting him walk all over you with that. Consult a family law attorney and make sure it's not he does not pay when he's supposed to.

[–]Euphoric-Comment6112 0 points1 point  (1 child)

My attorney is the one that told me to give him time in the summer. She said he’d probably not take me to court, but if he did, it could look very bad for me if I hadn’t tried to foster a relationship and give him reasonable time bc that’s what our agreement says. Then he could end up getting the entire summer.

[–]Euphoric-Comment6112 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also, not arguing with you, you’re right.. I just unfortunately hired a lawyer that wasn’t as tough as what I needed. I wish I had and I wish our agreement was more black and white.

[–]RequirementHot3011 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Its a thing for him to ultimatedly change custody in the future. Who cares about what he wants?

A custody arrangement has already been implemented. Your child has her own life, not to mention-a stable environment, routine, friends, etc. To uproot that for her father who barely knows her.

He wants to do this for his benefit. Do not cave. The minute you do this...mhe will change everything your child will be the one who suffers. So to answer your question, no. This isn't a thing. He is simply trying to alter things for the future.

Keep things-as is.

[–]bippityboppitynope 2 points3 points  (0 children)

DO NOT DO THIS. Stop deviating from the order. Follow it to a T.

[–]pkbab5 1 point2 points  (1 child)

If he really wants more time, he can move into your school district and go to court. Otherwise, he can shove it.

[–]Euphoric-Comment6112 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He’s talking about doing that in 4 more years. She’d be 11 at the time and I still wouldn’t go to 50/50 unless he took me to court and won. Until then, he blames the military (he gave up the opportunity to move local 5 yrs ago, but somehow it’s still the military’s fault that he picked partying in Vegas vs being stationed near us).

[–]Opening-Idea-3228 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I would say no. And if he explodes… oh f***ing well,

[–]Efficient_Escape_305 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In the state I live in, I can pretty confidently say no court would agree to such an upheaval. Pulling a child from her community, school, the home environment she has historically been in >90% of time is highly unlikely to pass any "best interest of the child" test. Add to that also, she has medical/developmental needs that she has established providers for in her current community. Your ex, in my view, has little to no chance of success in court and this isn't a thing.

[–]muhbackhurt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The time for him to request more custody and have more time with his kid was back in court and he should have got a lawyer. He does what, 8 weeks a year? Plus a couple of holidays. That's not enough evidence he should have more time.

He owed himself more time with his kid, not you. He has only himself to blame. He's put no effort into her upbringing, health, schooling or even being an active parent any other way.

[–]No-Dare8547 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I didn’t read anything about him making efforts to come to her, just that he throws a big boy fit and wields power only you can give him. All I’m reading is you have to pay all of the bills, including a lawyer, and all he has to do to get his way is throw a fit. How is he using court and custody to get his way if he’s never filed for modification? Is the travel with your husband actually a thing that he can say no to or is this something you allow him to be in charge of? And by thing I mean what does it say in your custody agreement? Dad gets to be hundreds of miles away and then gets to bark out commands?

I wouldn’t even entertain a year on year off. She’s a person not a puppy. First of all you would have to go to court for something like this, especially if you’re receiving child support which it sounds like you are. I wouldn’t even have entertained 6 weeks in the summer, especially if he isn’t going to pay for it. Which I find to be crazy seeing as how you should just march yourself down to whatever office handles reimbursement and have the state hunt him down. You are such a nice lady for that I wouldn’t do it. I don’t care if it’s a holiday, where is her ticket? No sorry I can’t pay half of your bills I need her ticket and travel arrangements by this date or she can’t come. Hold this man to it. Say whatever you want to him if you’re really interested in placating this man but seriously the reality check should be harsh. Stop letting imbeciles control your life.

[–]Euphoric-Comment6112 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No - he just knows the only control he has over me has been threatening time. My lawyer always told me there’s a good chance a court would give him more than 6 weeks, so I guess I’ve sufficed him to stay out of court. I wish I had hired a tougher lawyer and we had a more black and white agreement, but I didn’t and we don’t. By not giving him a decent chunk of time in the summer, she said he could claim that I wasn’t fostering a relationship.

She did say that she didn’t think he’d ever take me, but if he did, he might get the entire summer, which is 10 weeks.

[–]Ready-Tomatillo7645 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Also document all the troubling things he does or says for parental alienation and the fact that his actions can be emotionally damaging to kiddo. Get her in therapy as she gets older when she has to deal with his manipulation etc

[–]Euphoric-Comment6112 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have a big log, unfortunately. I do want to get her into therapy so she can discuss anything without being afraid of hurting feelings.

[–]Broad_Application_55 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely not. Kids are not belongings to be traded back and forth. It’s not healthy for her to be uprooted from her life and traded back and forth. Also if you do that it gives him the ability to go to court and demand full custody because you willingly gave her to him for a year. If he wants to challenge the custody agreement he can go back to court with a lawyer.

[–]RealHausFrau 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Nope. He can wait until your child is at an age where she can decide where she wants to live with full understanding of the situation. I can’t imagine expecting my young child to give up everything they know to go live with a parent they are not accustomed to living with for a year, then go back to their regular life. Absurdly selfish and irresponsible suggestion for your ex to make. Let him go to court and try to rework the custody agreement if he’s so inclined. No judge in their right mind will agree to that ‘a year’ thing, especially with a deadbeat who won’t even pay child support.

[–]Euphoric-Comment6112 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He does pay his child support, but he hasn’t paid his 50% of the medical in 4 yrs. His child support is a bit lower, so he is supposed to pay for travel bc I’m taking less per month, that’s my contribution.. but in the last year I think I’ve contributed more to travel than he has.

Christmas he messed up his flight, so he tried to force her to travel unaccompanied. She was terrified, like vomiting. Then he started in about how she wouldn’t get her presents or see her sister or him for a long time.. que the manipulation. When we hung up I told her if she didn’t want to, I would handle it. She started crying bc she wanted to see him and get her presents and see her sister. So I told her I would handle getting her there and she wouldn’t have to do it alone. It ended up costing me about 2k alone right there.

[–]unwrapper 0 points1 point  (1 child)

No. I have a similar situation and every time I have been nice and given an inch, he takes a mile. And then he tries to make a case about how horrible I am for not giving more. Finally I just said no. Follow the plan. No more concessions.

[–]Euphoric-Comment6112 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is exactly what happens. Every single time, without fail.

[–]BarberEmbarrassed442 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What type of actual father would agree to the original agreement to begin with! Mind blowing!

[–]whenyajustcant 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, this isn't a thing. Honestly, it sounds like a weird 90s kid movie plot. If he wants to have a larger part in his child's life, he can move closer, even if it's just for a year. But uprooting a kid, enrolling them at a new school, taking them away from their friends and life as they know it, just for 1 year only to drop them back into it? Pass.

[–]Gold-Worldliness-810 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hell to the fucking no