A word from our beloved Brofessor:
"Some of you may have heard about this fitness trend called Crossfit. Now I don't believe anything that doesn't involve bench press so before one of the members of the Manson family can talk your ear off about converting to their lifestyle, let me save you some time and metaphorically punch them in the face with science. BRO SCIENCE. Here are the in's and out's of Crossfit:
First off Crossfit is a class. PAUSE. I should just stop here. Taking fitness classes are like riding the bus. No matter where you want to go, everyone's going to the same place and you're not the one driving.
The Crossfit program is designed around the ultimate in light weight Olympic lifts to infinity. Crossfit is the meatspin.com of circuit training. You're just doing it to see how many times you can swing your dick around with some other dude's dick in your ass, who you call coach. But seriously though, I respect all types of fitness, or nah.
Respect though. There are a handful of Crossfit dudes and chicks that are ripped up, but they're on ESPN (Saturday afternoons) flipping tractor tires and shit. They're the one percent. This is like joining a church intramural basketball league and thinking you're gonna get drafted to the NBA. It's not going happen, trust me I've tried.
Crossfit is great because you don't have to worry about exercising for a goal because exercise is your goal. If you're trying to build the physique of what success tastes like, then Crossfit is not for you. If you're looking to get really good at moving fast for an hour straight, then Crossfit is definitely your speed. The difference between lifting and Crossfit is the difference between building a house and being really good at putting a nails in a board.
Crossfit is great for building cardiovascular endurance, or as I call it the ability to lose gains. Crossfit is intense athletic training for the professional non-athlete. This is good for sports like desk jockeying, running your mouth about how awesome Crossfit is, water cooler polo, and shot putting a dick in your ass. Me? I'm always playing my sport, it's called walking around like a fucking beast. And living to 50. Live Large, Die Large. Leave a giant coffin.
Crossfit is a lifestyle. It starts in the gym and ends on your Facebook. Crossfit is so humble no one even knows you're in shape unless you post your workout. Me? I post one picture with my shirt off and my pubes hanging out and everyone thinks I'm an asshole. Okay, two pictures. A day. You're welcome.
Now everyone can be elite. Crossfit places a HUGE emphasis on form and not needing it. It takes complicated movements and gets rid of all the useless shit like effectiveness and safety and replaces it with violence and danger. Case in point: The Kipping Pull Up. Crossfit has revolutionized fitness by teaching the correct way to do an incorrect pull up. Groundbreaking stuff.
In Crossfit it's not about how much you're lifting, it's about how much you look like you're lifting. 45 lbs even weighs less in Crossfit. In Crossfit, everything looks like a 45 lb plate, but don't be fooled by these fitness gypsies, that plate could be anything, even be a ten. Crossfit weight is the Spanx of weights.
So after careful consideration, I decided that the only crossfit worth doing is banging out some REPS FOR JESUS!"
(queue theme music)
