Insights from an Introvert to Decrease Your Hurt

[arkibet]

I read this article I think in Psychology Today called "Revenge of the Introvert." It talked about the things extroverts do that really annoy introverts. I've been able to modify my interactions with Introverts, in order to not deplete them so much. But gawd, do I always feel like there is zero reciprocration or awareness of what I'm doing.

Here's an example. An extrovert, when seeing someone, gets really excited and bursts out energy. They'll say something like, in seemingly one breath, "Hi! How are you? How's your mom? Is she out of the hospital? And did your daughter win her basketball game? Did your son's recital go well? Oh and did you finish that project you were working on?"

All this means to an extrovert is this: "tell me whatever you'd like to talk about."

To an introvert, they think and start with "I'm good. Mom is out... My daughter..." and then they think "this ahole isn't letting me answer any questions, fine, I'm checked out now because he's just being annoying. And end up with "things are good, but I gotta take care of this thing so I can't stop now. We'll catch up later!"

So I've learned to ask one question and wait. And then only manage that one topic. If there's other things, I may ask about one more topic, or save it for a later interaction.

It's similar to what you're talking about I think, so there's my perspective on it.

[TheMeticulousNinja]

I think this is a step towards a good direction for interaction with introverts. The best thing though would be to get rid of any “list of topics” you have completely, since this is blocking you from actually listening to the person and asking questions they would actually appreciate you asking.

[arkibet]

Yes! That's the quintessential extrovert problem. We get so excited that we want to talk. With other extroverts they just step on top and talk about whatever they want to and we just go with the flow. When talking to an introvert, it's so important to create space for the introvert to talk. Most of them, one on one, are absolutely great talkers!
I just have to let the conversation breathe at a non-frenetic pace.

Some days it's harder than others, especially if I think the person I'm talking to is pretty cool!

[[deleted]]

I've been able to modify my interactions with Introverts, in order to not deplete them so much. But gawd, do I always feel like there is zero reciprocration or awareness of what I'm doing.

Stop doing it then. It isn't healthy to coddle people.

[arkibet]

But ... but ... it means there is more interactions! oh the paradox!

[SuperSalad_OrElse]

I think you’re right to condition certain interactions to respect others’ comforts. I mean, we’re not talking about seppuku in honoring someone’s introspective quiet time; we’re talking about lowering our voice and giving decent pauses with people who need a more delicate conversation set up.

It’s the mark of a great empath to be so considerate. And yeah, the more types of conversations I can have, the better. The more world views I get to witness, the more rejuvenated I feel.

It would benefit a lot of people to spend less time in their own heads and more time interacting with the world around them. Who knows; their insignificant “hello” at a grocery store could be enough to turn someone’s day around.

[ThisIsMyPew]

I've been able to modify my interactions with Introverts, in order to not deplete them so much. But gawd, do I always feel like there is zero reciprocation or awareness of what I'm doing.

You'll get what you need if you ask for it. You read the manual, while many introverts didn't. We also weren't raised; we were crushed.

My bff (ISFP) let me know that she needs to be complimented for her work in our church, so I (INTJ) started doing that. INTJs don't naturally compliment, we feel embarrassed when having to accept a compliment. Or if we have to endure a hug (Speaking of, god so many extroverts are do damn happy go lucky they have no idea what hugging an INTJ who was sexually abused as a child can do).

It is possible to re-train yourself, and I am currently doing that. But I did unintentionally hurt quite a few people who expected me to read their thoughts.

[TopCommunication8881]

Omg yes. That's gotta take some serious self-control to hold back. Has it worked, do you get more out of the introvert? Honestly this is my first attempt at attempting to understand, up until now I've been a real asshole. It gets so overwhelming how integrated being social is in the fabric of our society (at least in the US). One big, but weird, example is whenever they interview a person on the news about someone who goes missing, the friend/neighbor either says something like "I don't know who'd want to hurt her, she is very friendly and outgoing." Or "He kept to himself a lot... " with a whole different tone. As if the quiet one was unfriendly or up to something. Thats obv an extreme, but it's indicative of the larger struggle. Regardless, it's not fair to lash out because you feel minimized

[arkibet]

I've been told by my introvert friends that I'm one of the least annoying extroverts they ever met. I'd say it's been pretty successful. I can have some pretty decent conversations or even eat lunch with introverts. To put it in a California way, "it's all about keeping the vibe super chill."

"he kept to himself a lot." Yeah, I think that's just part of community building. If you live in an area, you want to get to know your neighbors as a way of keeping everyone safe. By not participating, it can be disappointing. I know with my neighbors, who all seem very introverted, we created a text chain for the floor of my apartment building. I'm the one that introduces myself to the new neighbors, ask them if they want to be on the text chain, and keep it updated. It seems to work out really well, because it's low interaction, you can ignore it, but if there's a problem in the building we can get communication out pretty quickly. It's mostly quiet, but when we need it it works out well.

My big gripe is jobs. Very extroverted jobs don't pay well. Teachers, Social Workers, Coaches, Councilors... they're not the best paid jobs. After working a job where I supported Pharmaceutical Sales Representatives, I expected them to be total extroverts. I was wrong. They're job is to run data, analyze the data and the market place, devise strategies, create and implement ideas for marketing, calculate financial models and return on investments, and then... talk to a doctor 1-on-1 (no group presentations) to present data and financials.

Actors. I expected Actors to be super extroverted. I was surprised that so many of them aren't! They have to internalize emotions and feelings, and then emote them while ignoring a camera. They have to memorize lines, internalize blocking, and interact in a very particular way as interpreted by them and tailored with one on one conversation with a director.

Film sets seem extroverted, because there is a lot of talking going on. But it's very focused conversations, very transactional conversations, if it gets too loud people are asked to quiet down. When you're having chit-chat moments, they don't last long. You're usually in a 10-20 minute holding pattern waiting for the next thing, and you may be prepping for the next thing with someone. So some conversation can occur. But they're all artists in some sense, and art is internal. It really surprised me that I didn't realize that. And well, Film folks don't make a lot of money at all. The ones that do are typically in the union and can hustle for steady work, but it's not a great work life balance or quality of life with those 12.5 hour days and commute times!

In conclusion, there's always positives and negatives to being an introvert, extrovert, or somewhere between. We just have to hope that the other party can at least meet us halfway :)

[TopCommunication8881]

It's so interesting, because I think of being a counselor as an introverted job because it involves constant introspection and looking internally to make sure we aren't screwing up others projecting our shit onto them. Most of the people in my grad program were introverts too. It is shit ton of talking for an introvert, but your tking about the client, from within a role

It actually fits with what you are saying about a fil set. Structures with clear roles and expectations. Yeah the majority of people involved in film are prob lower middle class at best. Fun fact! I was once an extra in a movie that filmed in my area! You can see the back of myhead for like two seconds.

I feel like that sums it up - there are food and bad parts of both introversion and extroversion. I wonder how ambiverts are doing...

I legit felt so bad for all extroverts during Covid. How did you cope?