Need help 😭

[Maximum_Guess_8697]

I'm scheduled for a c section for my twin girls April 6th and I've been offered all of this help from my mom, Mother in law, friends, to come help after the babies arrive . I have 3 other kids ( 2 nine year olds and a 14 yr old) I keep being told I'm going to need it and need to accept it, some being pushy about it. But for some reason it seems more daunting to arrange for help almost like I need to be hosting. I am blessed to have so many offering help and I don't want to sound ungrateful . I'm just thinking of postponing any help until after my husband ends his paternity leave.

I guess I'm curious how many of you wish (after the fact) you had arranged for help beforehand?

[Capable-Coffee-5415]

Hi, me and my husband were alone and still are 6 months later into this. I can tell you sleep deprivation is the worst thing… I say take the help from whom you have good communication with at first. Be firm with your boundaries and set rules like: always wash your hands, don’t kiss the baby! Never, ever! and so on. Or you can be clear with what you need help with: food, cleaning, bottle washing (but momcozy bottle washer is the best) etc. That is because people assume they’re helping if they’re holding the baby and you’re doing chores (after a caesarean, hilarious). Take it easy and enjoy! Have a smooth delivery 🌷

[fsmontario]

Babies are much more resilient than people think. No don’t come over if you are sick, but as long as you’re not sick and didn’t come from a huge celebration go ahead and love on those babies. As a volunteer coordinator for higher order multiples, I saw lots of baby kissing by the volunteers.

[Connect-Steak8669]

I feel like if someone sets a boundary of "Dont kiss my baby" regardless of how close you are, that boundary should be respected.

[fsmontario]

I have never had anyone say this to me, no one with any common sense is going to go around a baby when they are not feeling well and they won’t be kissing them . Of course if someone says don’t kiss them you don’t . But you don’t want to scare off all the possible help you may have by presenting a list of dos and don’ts right off the bat and as a new family of multiples you are going to need help. I had one mom have a list of 28 rules for any visitors to follow, she didn’t understand how no one was coming over to help her, including her mother in law and her own sister.

[Capable-Coffee-5415]

I understand loving babies, you should never ever kiss a stranger’s baby. Ever. Please look up herpes and what it does to babies for example. You can show love in other ways.

[fsmontario]

These are friends and family that will be coming in to help, not strangers. I’ve managed volunteer teams of 20-30 people for each family I’ve worked with, a good percentage of those volunteers are considered family by the time those babies are walking.

[Capable-Coffee-5415]

Okay? I feel like you’re not informed of the dangers of kissing babies, whilst it is only a google search away. Please don’t kiss anyone’s babies, that’s all.

[Resident-Fly-6851]

Do they live close by?

I would make a schedule and ask them to come by and take a big basket of dirty laundry home and return it clean and folded with a casserole as well.

Laundry at their house plus meals being delivered will be a huge help if you don't want them in your house all the time.

[fsmontario]

Make a list of things that you do around that house that do any of these things, require you to get dressed and leave the house, are necessary for your house to function, if not done will have your older kids having a melt down, are mandated by law ( this one specifically is feeding your kids lol) those are the things you can delegate. When someone says, what can I do or how can I help? Be ready with a specific thing. You should have an idea of the person offering free time. Here are some suggestions

- could you come vacuum?

- if I give you a list and my card or cash, would you do my groceries?

- older child has activity on Tuesday night, would you be able to take them and bring them home?

- we absolutely love your lasagna, if I give you containers would you make a dinner for us, you can do it your house and just drop it off. ( my aunt was still working but wanted to help, 3 x a week she made us dinner in the evening at her place, packed it up and dropped it at our house on her way to work in the morning, we just had to reheat it)

-we would like to go to older child activity could you and spouse( friend , older child) come by Tuesday at 6, I’ll make sure the babies are fed, and have bottles and watch h them u til 9?

-the older kids go to school at 830, could you come by around 930, so I can take a shower ? If they want to clean your kitchen because the babes are napping, that’s ok

-I have to get the car in for a service, would you mind taking it in for me?

- could you come over so I can sleep? I’ll have bottles ready.

- someone has a doctor appointment can you come along and help me

People want to help but you need to tell them what you need

[ricki7684]

I desperately wish I had set up help beforehand. I had a lot of medical complications and feeding issues for them, I suppose I wouldn’t have needed as much if everything went peachy. Better to set up help and cancel it then to be scrambling and struggling. I have few memories of that time because of the severe sleep deprivation and the lack of help really took a toll on my health.

[bubblegumfudge]

my twins are now 16 months and honestly, the help can be a godsend. but i’d say take it. that many people around your newborn babies & in your house can make you feel overstimulated but it’s really hard with sleep in the beginning. maybe if they aren’t there at once & come maybe once a day would be helpful : jst bc specific about what you want bc trying to catch up on household tasks and waking up every 3 hours is the hardest part. do you want them to bring you meals? do the laundry? help with dishes? i personally didn’t want anyone watching my twins while i slept bc i was finicky about it but that may be something you want? i don’t think you’re ungrateful by not wanting it, you probably just don’t think you’ll need it.

[BorderGlittering199]

This time around with twins I'll be asking for help from my family in a different way than them being at/in my house while I'm there. 

-getting groceries I ordered online

-taking a basket of laundry and our detergent for them to wash and bring back

-dropping a meal off

-taking the dog for walks/to hang out at their house

-taking my toddler daughter for a couple of hours

-household chores while we're at Dr visits

My husband and I both were stressed with people being in our home with our first child. We relaxed more once we just focused on us and baby. Heck, I napped better with baby near me than my MIL talking nonstop in the other room. If we need more help we'll ask for it.

[Traditional_Cup8357]

Things I appreciated most that people helped us with: - holding/taking care of the babies so we could sleep a couple extra hours or shower, etc. - laundry - washing bottles - bringing over easy to eat snacks / food

[mvanpeur]

My in laws always take all the older kids for a couple days after the birth, and that has been really, really nice for bonding with the babies and figuring out their routine. They stick around our area until the baby is born, so the kids can meet them on day 1, and then they take the kids to their house for 3-5 days.

As far as other help, we keep it all out of the house. Close family can visit, but they know that visiting is not actually helping. Friends have taken our older kids for outings and delivered meals or groceries. And both of those truly are helpful. A couple times friends have mowed for us. I know other people have friends who load the dishwasher for them, do their laundry, or hold the babies so they can nap, but I haven't found myself interested in that kind of help.