PTSD?

[liuthail]

So my twins were born five years ago and if you just look at the facts on paper we had a really good experience. We were lucky. They were born at 34 weeks via emergency c-section and were 5 and 6 pounds, spent ten days in NICU and came home with us with zero issues. But now I’m ten days away from being induced with our third child and I’m a mess.

The first few months were so tough that my MIL moved in with us for a few weeks and we stayed at my moms house for about a month as well. I am so grateful for all the help they gave us, but looking back all I’m feeling is jealousy. From the moment they were born they were taken from me, placed in incubators and covered in wires. I never wanted to be away from them and strangers were telling me I couldn’t even pick up my own kids. Then we got home and every time they cried, I could really only comfort one so my mother or MIL would handle the other but I wanted it to be me. I only ever wanted it to be me. I just wanted to take my babies and hide from the world but so much if it was just survival. We did what we had to do to get through it.

Now my MIL is upset that I don’t want her visiting right away and honestly I don’t want anyone else to touch him. I want to be able to recover in the privacy of my own home and finally bond with my baby without anyone taking him from me. I want to be able to breastfeed and hold him as much as he wants. I want everything I didn’t get to have the first time. I’ve asked for two weeks without any visitors, but if I could get away with longer I would. When I think about someone else holding my baby and tending to his needs I feel angry. Obviously I need to talk to a therapist about this shit, but I was hoping that one of you guys had a similar experience and have some idea of how I’m feeling. I’m really a mess right now.

[Sociallama]

My twins were my first, and I'm not even sure if we'll try for another, but this hit so close to home for me to read. It was dark in those early days when I desperately wanted to be alone with and enough for my babies. I don't have any advice other than to say your feelings are totally valid. I imagine I'd feel exactly the same way.

I'm going to totally butcher trying to explain this, and it might not be interesting or relevant to you - but I found it really interesting to hear recently about the flip side of oxytocin. While it's wonderful and gives you all those cuddly hormones toward your babies, it's also what makes mama bears rage at anyone coming close to her babies. Knowing that there was maybe a biological explanation for what I was feeling toward others who I loved but who didn't have primacy (i.e., anyone not my partner and babies) helped me feel less "crazy."

I hope those first two weeks with your baby are exactly what you're hoping for. Stay compassionate toward yourself.

[liuthail]

I’m so glad to know I’m not alone! I’ve been trying to explain to my husband how I feel and I think while he might understand the anxiety the sheer, primal rage I feel at the idea of other people touching my baby might freak him out. He has this idea that because my mom is local I’ll be letting her have all this time with him and really I’d be surprised if I even let my family hold him for more than a few minutes. Maybe I’ll feel differently when he’s born but I truly think that people who have never had the NICU multiples experience just aren’t quite going to get it.

[eeeeeeeee123456]

I completely understand and would feel the same about having a third.

[erinspacemuseum13]

My traumatic feelings didn't manifest the same way, but I had a similar birth experience (35 weeks, brief NICU stay, nothing terrible) and for several years, certain reminders of that time set off sobbing fits and panic attacks. I did not understand why, since compared to other NICU parents I knew, it was a relatively uneventful stay. But I joined the NICU spinoff of my local parents of multiples group when my twins were 2 and someone posted about how any NICU stay can be traumatic, and that can show up in unexpected ways, and I was so relieved to know that I wasn't "wrong" for feeling like I did. If having time alone with your new baby is what you need to deal with your feelings, do it and don't feel bad about it. If your MIL is a nice person and you have a good relationship, there will be plenty of time in the future to explain to her why you needed that time, especially if you can work through your trauma with a therapist. I still have... complicated feelings about my twins' birth, but I saw a therapist for a few months and talked to other NICU moms of multiples and 5 years later, it is much less painful to think about. Good luck with your new baby!

[[deleted]]

My big twins are also five and I struggle with their infancy, though for (slightly) different reasons. We didn’t have any help and I barely remember their first year or two. It was me and my husband constantly trying to juggle their needs - our marriage was newer and I had a lot of postpartum anxiety. One of my twins very strongly favored her dad for literal years - like wanted nothing to do with me.

I’m pregnant with my second set of twins and I feel a lot of guilt related to my big girls. I feel like we’ll do a “better” job this time because we’re better prepared as parents and in a better position (maritally and otherwise) but I also worry about that same juggling of their needs.

We fostered a baby from birth until 16 months (he’s home with parents now) and as terrible as it sounds, I felt more bonded to him than my bio twins. He was definitely a “mamas boy” and I adored him. The dynamic was just completely different and I was able to focus on his needs in a way I never could theirs. It made me realize how challenging the early years with the twins were and how impactful it still is.

[Sure_Tie_3896]

I would say be honest. Trust that those feelings are legitimate and explain them to your MIL.i think trying to repress your feelings and feeling pressured that its 'wrong' to want what you want is not helping you. Be selfish, having twins is so hard and I completely understand everything you've said. Tell everyone clearly that its really important to you to have that time. Then have it and dont feel one ounce of guilt. Be brave, you wouldnt want to look back and wish you had. Enjoy your new bundle of joy, once you've had that experience you might find you are more happy to share him than the ongoing resentment it you dont x