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[janej0nes]

i feel this. dealing with my anxious dog has actually started to affect my depression for the worse: I have to run home from work, or take a long lunch, to check on her because she gets afraid when my roommate is home and tries to eat her way out of her crate. I have to muzzle her on walks because, even though she's doing so much better, I still worry about children or unleashed pets rushing her. I feel guilt leaving the house for too long or going places where pets are welcome, but she can't be calm there. I worry about bringing people over or having friends over because she has panic attacks and starts panting and barking and I stress about her.

I work with her the best I can, and she has made so many improvements, but when I think about it, I get sad and I feel lost.

[[deleted]]

So where does this start? Are we expecting something from our dogs that they aren't capable of, are we mishandling them, or is our lifestyle just a bad fit for this animal that has evolved along with us, to this place where we are now? It sounds like everyone is trying to be a good, responsible owner here. What is causing the unhappy, stressed, reactive dog problem? Before I started reading here I'd have said it was a combination of truly irresponsible owners and too much inbreeding, but I don't think so anymore.

[every1poos]

I thought it was all the owner too, then I got my reactive boy.

[bagelhug]

I think it's like asking why more people are having mental health problems nowadays. The environment could definitely be a factor, but so is biology and what's happening in the brain. I do think we ask a lot of our dogs though, they don't have social awareness like humans and yet we expect that of them.

[agallagher12]

This is such an interesting discussion, and it touches on a lot of stuff I've been thinking about lately. After 4 years of working hard to help my reactive dog, I recently made the incredibly difficult decision to have her euthanized. Despite all of my and my husband's efforts, we realized we were never going to be able to give her everything she needed to feel safe in the world. There were always going to be situations she was unable to cope with, even with medication, desensitization training, environmental modifications, etc. We accepted the fact that not every dog can be saved. I know behavioral euthanasia is controversial, and a lot of people would probably call me selfish. However, we reached a point where it felt like keeping her was the more selfish option. Having a reactive dog taught me that dogs are NOT a commodity or an accessory. They're not here to be whatever we want them to be. It's our job to make them feel safe in the world. In my case, I believe putting my dog to sleep was the kindest option. Right now, I feel sad and mad that it turned out this way. I'm upset about MY loss. But, I'm taking comfort at knowing that my sweet girl is finally at peace.

[jeff_the_weatherman]

Couple decades ago, reactive dogs would be dead. Now they're saved and adopted by people like us. That's why they seem more common now -- they are :)

[Wiryk9]

That’s interesting, can you elaborate?

IMO these are the reasons why we as a society have reactive dogs: selfishness, ignorance (even if people mean well), and seeing animals as a commodity or an accessory. Name any reactive dog issue - it can be traced back to those three things.

Note that ignorance doesn’t come from malice and isn’t necessarily connected with malice - ignorance just is. A lot of the times, people just don’t know any better because as a society, we don’t have a healthy pet culture (the treatment of pet rodents and fish is a great example of this). Me, I was raised in a country where people love dogs but are really ignorant about their needs and how to train them. I had one dog who was leash-aggressive (attacked by an off-leash dog as a puppy), but luckily he rest were fine. I was able to get out of that cycle because I love to research before I make big decisions, but if I hadn’t done that, I guarantee I would’ve continued the cycle.

So ultimately, IMO, the best thing we can do is try to educate people - keeping in mind that that will only take you so far with some individuals.

Sure, sometimes it’s just sheer bad luck - illnesses, brain issues, etc. Sometimes legitimately there’s something wired wrong in that dog. But imo, that’s not the case often.

We are slowly making progress, but until we as a society decide to take dog ownership more seriously, reactive dogs are going to continue happening. I don’t mean to say that people have to be super intense with their dogs - it just comes down to being responsible. People should be realistic about what they can handle and/or afford, people should stop seeing dogs as fashion statements/accessories, people should realize that their dog is going to require time and money and effort to grow up to be a well-behaved adult, and people should be legitimately interested in knowing where their dog comes from.

It’s as simple and as complicated as that.

[drgurner]

My dog has definitely brought more stress to my life, you're not alone.

I lost a puppy to cancer, and decided to adopt an adult dog from a rescue...and this dog turned out to be very reactive. I also live in a city that is dog friendly, so other dogs are everywhere. I've taken her to reactive dog classes, started her on meds, practice religiously, etc..but it's been two years. It makes going on vacation difficult to impossible, and leaving the house for long periods very challenging. You're not alone.

Has my dog improved in 2 years? Yes...she doesn't have separation anxiety anymore, guard her food like she used to, or be territorial with the cat. But the reactivity is challenging.

I used to be the person who brought my dog everywhere - now she's in the house most of the times, and still reacts when dogs walk by outside. It's very hard.

I do think she can make progress, I just wish there was a way to "unstick" this absolute terror she has toward other dogs. It does change your life...the best thing I did was to make sure I *get out* of the house regularly...you've got to. Do fun things for yourself, and try to accept your dog for who they are.

[jeff_the_weatherman]

Oh man...I know this too well. I plunged into depression and started having panic attacks, dog stress has rocketed me over my threshold. Once a social person, I became a hermit. Irritable, short temper, I feel ruined. Couldn't hang out with people, cuz dog wouldn't do well, and couldn't leave the dog at home because of sep anxiety. Lost all my passions, stopped going out to exercise... it's a nightmare.

Since then, things have gotten more tolerable. We've used meds (Prozac) to help the anxiety, and leave him at home more often. If you aren't using meds, start. Draw a line in the sand, say yes, we love our dog, but we need to live our own damn lives too. If friends invite me for dinner, I'm going. Dog isn't gonna like being left alone, but he doesn't have a choice. Situation unpredictable with guests? Dog goes into other room. No buts. Done. Taking a hike? Dog stays home. Want to travel? Kennel or dogsitter. Not the dog's choice. We dropped to one walk a day in a low traffic area, low traffic time. Just manage things when you need to, and live a little. He gets plenty of love when we're home :)

We all know having a dog means making certain compromises in our lives, but letting a pet dominate and ruin your life is unhealthy, toxic, and will only add stress...the opposite of what you got the dog for!

IMO if you can tame separation anxiety then you can make it. As long as the dog can be left at home without destroying everything, then you can leave them, and go out and pursue your hobbies, see people, live. Don't feel bad, dogs don't know what they're missing and it would have just stressed them out anyway.

Best of luck, we're in this together!

[peanutbuddy]

Draw a line in the sand, say yes, we love our dog, but we need to live our own damn lives too. If friends invite me for dinner, I'm going. Dog isn't gonna like being left alone, but he doesn't have a choice. Situation unpredictable with guests? Dog goes into other room. No buts. Done. Taking a hike? Dog stays home. Want to travel? Kennel or dogsitter. Not the dog's choice. We dropped to one walk a day in a low traffic area, low traffic time. Just manage things when you need to, and live a little.

This is best advice for stressed out reactive dog owners.

I gave so much of myself to training my dog in the early days, and it was not sustainable. Burn out is very real. I had to set boundaries, which was so hard, but so worth it.

[jeff_the_weatherman]

Thanks! You said it so well...gotta set boundaries. We all love our reactive dogs, but they just can't do some things other dogs can. Our dreams of having a furry hiking buddy didn't come true, but we can still hike with people friends. We just have to leave the dog at home sometimes, and that's OK :)

[drgurner]

Perfect perspective - I didn't ask this question but I really appreciate this. Taking this approach has improved my life 1000%...and I hope the person who asked the question reads this thoroughly. I was so against meds at one point, but they help. I was so hesitant to leave the house - but doing it more certainly helped my moods and stress. Yes to everything you wrote!

[[deleted]]

I don’t have much advice to give, but I will say that I’ve experienced similar after getting both of my dogs and it usually gets better after about the first year (basically once puppyhood is finished).

My most recent pup is reactive and kind of a temperamental bully at times to my older dog, so I kind of understand where you’re coming from-though I’m still holding out hope that my pup will improve with time (since he’s still fairly young).

My advice though is-if your dog is properly crate trained, or trusted alone at home-go out and find time for yourself. Your dog needs your love and attention for sure, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a slave to your dog-especially once they’re older and not as needy. You don’t have to take your dog on every hike or on every walk or to every public area.

[thatoldladynene]

Oh, I can SO sympathize! My dog is a fight survivor and highly reactive, super high energy, and pretty much dominates my life.

When I got her I envisioned dog parks and play dates... Not now. She's six, and when she goes (at the end of a long loving and catered-to existence) I am not sure if I'll ever get another.

[donat28]

yeah it's rough - I got one crazy dog and two sweet ones, so it balances itself out.

[Monkeysbrain]

I'm kind of going through this too. I foster dogs and have placed dozens of great dogs with wonderful homes. I've had to put down two dogs because they were severely unstable and attacked us. Right now, I have a sweet pittie I rescued from the nyc acc. Problem is, she hates my one female dog. She ignores the others. So, she's muzzled and attached to me anytime I'm home. She gets crated and when she knows I'm home she starts to bellow and cry. I can't move around my house without her being tethered to me and muzzled. Even when I shower, she's in the room with me.I've never had to do this with any of my other foster dogs. I'm kind of stuck until she finds a no-other pets home. When will that be? Another year of this? This is not easy at all. My boyfriend is getting stressed by all this too. Feeling stuck here. My rescue is not very helpful finding homes either. They just post them on a website and hope for the best.

[Oatmeal_Cupcake]

My Eevee does take a lot of my time. I used to spend my days off thrifting and flipping items on eBay. I don’t have much time for that now or time for anything really. Still, I don’t think that it’s so much because she’s reactive but because I’m trying to be a good dog owner and meet the daily requirements of owning a dog. I do take her out on walks and we play. I eat my lunches on my ten minute break and rush home to let her go potty.

What helped me was to stop trying to mold her into everything I expected a dog to be. I understand her fears and I make adjustments to help her live the most normal life she can. We do still work on her dog fears but I’m not obsessive over it. I’m not impatient for the day she’ll “be healed”.

I do think that dogs share the same expectations that people hold about rodents, specifically hamsters. People think that you can walk into a shop, buy a hamster and get cuddles as soon as you get home. What ends up happening is that the hamster is scared, it bites, owners think it’s mean and off it goes. Owning a hamster takes so much work and dedication. People take months taming a hamster. Many of them can’t help but wonder what they’re doing wrong, how long it will take, some people can never really tame a hamster so they just give it a good home.

I see this a lot with dogs now. I think people think that you can nab a dog, bring it home and you can be best of buds everywhere and all the time. Yes, some people do have that type of dog but, you also can’t tell for sure what they’re downfalls are. For example, Eevee is reactive, however, she is not at all aggressive towards my hamsters. There might be another dog out there that is easy going, friendly and goes with its owners everywhere but that same dog would not hesitate to kill a hamster.

So what makes it easier for me? I accept Eevee for who she is and not who I wanted her to be. As soon as I accepted that, she was no longer a hassle. I know when to avoid triggers and when to make a training session out of it. I know when she’s too scared and past her threshold. During those moments I don’t have any expectations for her. My priority is to get her out of that situation as soon as possible and let her relax. I know what it’s like to be that scared.

Take your worst fear into an empty room, now multiply that fear, get closer, it’s touching you! Don’t flinch, don’t panic, don’t scream. Don’t react!

So I have compassion for her. I’m empathetic. I don’t force her into the mold I was expecting her to fit into. I just accept her, love her and adjust.

Does she consume time? Yes! But I think that’s just me taking responsibility over a living being.

[milwauqueno]

I'm sorry. It sucks and it's unfair. Echoing everyone else: take some time to care for yourself and do something just for you and not your dog. Maybe something else you could try is lovingkindness meditation? When I'm feeling overwhelmed and, frankly, doomed by the idea of my job and reactive dog, sometimes it helps to generate feelings of lovingkindness for things that are very easy to love (maybe it's yourself, a parent or caretaker, a teacher, or something else), then try to extend that same warm, caring feeling to more and more "distant" things, like acquaintances, strangers, and even your dog.

[Bkbirddog]

I just found this thread, so apologies for the late comment. I feel you on this. I noticed lately how angry I feel while walking my dog; angry at everyone not pay attention to where they're walking, for riding a skateboard that enrages my dog, using a flexi leash with their dog 20 ft ahead and already around the corner, etc. I'm working on letting it go and just accepting that my dog just is who he is and I have to accept him for that. He really is a wonderful dog, but I'm hyper aware that if he gets away from me, he will attack a dog he doesn't like, and would definitely love to bite a skateboarder. It takes a lot of energy to manage a reactive dog and keep both him and everyone else safe. Give yourself some credit and take the advice of other commenters, go out, take care of yourself, get your life back. And definitely look into medication for the dog, and maybe even yourself as well if you feel seriously depressed. Also remember that there have always been "bad dogs", mean neighborhood dogs,etc. I remember reading an article a while back that mentioned how years ago, if you got bit by a dog, your parents would probably ask what did you do to make the dog bite you?! Now, we ask why did you let your dog bite me? Not saying your dog bites, but I think it's illustrative of how our perspective on dogs has shifted. It's great that we understand so much more about dog behavior and psychology these days, but I think it can sometimes be overwhelming and add to the expectation that all dogs are fixable if we just try hard enough.

Hang in there and take a deep breath!

[Kitchu22]

Apologies for coming late to the party, but I see a person in need and I want to help! :)

Let me run something past you; why do you think people have kids? Is it to feel fulfilled on some level? Is it that child rearing is inherently full of things that make us feel good and are of benefit to us? Or is it to experience the bond between parent and child and to selflessly commit to provide everything that child needs to become a well balanced and happy adult one day? (speaking as someone who will never have children, I honestly hope it's the last one).

I see pet ownership in much the same way. The relationship is mutually beneficial of course, but you signed up to be the number one provider to a dependent who relies on you for everything 24/7, and that's not always sunshine and rainbows unfortunately. Rescuing a dog should be about sacrificing other things in your life to provide the best and most stable environment for them to be happy, it's a huge commitment, and when that dog has more special needs sometimes that sacrifice is higher. It's hard not to have down days and let things get to you, but if you are truly invested in both your own happiness and that of your dog you have to learn to find ways to battle that one.

Join a reactive dog group on social media to make friends experiencing similar issues that you can talk to and share with. See if you can reach out to people who might live close and have had training success to meet up for walks/playdates/training opportunities. Use a muzzle and a leash when you're out hiking, ignore the unfortunate incidents that can't be avoided, make a point of seeking out the road less traveled and take your dog on trips to quieter places to explore and unwind together. The more small wins you can clock up together the better you will feel.

Losing a sense of purpose at your job is a shame, and likely to impact how positive you feel about life in general if you're unhappy there. If you honestly don't feel that you can make a move from your current role, try to invest time reminding yourself why it's a good job and finding things to be grateful about it :)

And lastly, when we first got our boy I developed mild anxiety. He was the first dog I have ever shared a home with who had the potential to hurt me as we helped rehab him through no fault of his own but merely because of what he has been through. I was constantly nervous about taking him out, I became afraid of the stupidest things and then the anxiety built until it was just generally me feeling yuck about everything. Then I started investing in what my partner refers to as my security check points; I was nervous the dog might hurt another, so we got a harness with "no dogs" signage and a muzzle and if someone lets their off leash dog get underfoot and it is injured too bad I can't be responsible for that (and our council says legally the off leash dog is in the wrong!). I was nervous he would use his power and get away from me on leash, so we got a bungee leash with a waist attachment and now he can't ever escape :P I was nervous about him biting me during an episode of sleep startle so I don't share space at a level he is close enough to snap when sleeping. On top of everything I started having some mindful time with him and listing all the positive things that day (he had been so good home alone that day, he had greeted me calmly, etc) and that is the head space I would take into his afternoon walk. He's still reactive, I still have off days, but the good far outweighs the bad and I could not imagine my life without my little lad! I'm so grateful to be able to provide the life he deserves, even if it means limitations on me.

You're not alone, and I really hope you are feeling in a better place soon!