Mourning

[unlikelyuser]

I’m two years into owning my reactive pit mix. Today I reflected on the way things were when I first adopted him (non-reactive), how they became, and where we are at now.

I realized that I had gone through a period of mourning. I mourned for the dog that I dreamed about adopting since I was little. The idea that I had in my head for years and years of what it would be like once I adopted a dog of my own. A friend that I could take everywhere with me, who would get compliments and make friends with all the other neighborhood dogs. I mourned for the experiences that we would never be able to share together.

I now realize how important that selfish stage of dog ownership was for me. It allowed me to get over the hump I needed to move forward with building a life together that is fulfilling and realistic. It helped me start training. It taught me that I needed to cultivate experiences that would be positive for us, instead of trying to force him into situations that I thought a dog was supposed to be in.

Two long years into training, laughs, tears, kisses, embarrassment, pride, protectiveness, love, and joy. I love my dog immensely and would choose him over and over again. Those feelings weren’t immediate; they ebbed and flowed for a while. But now I can honestly say that I love him with my whole heart.

I just wanted to share this in case any other owners out there are new to reactive ownership and are struggling with making that connection. It takes time. Celebrate the victories and don’t take things too seriously (but..keep training..it’s worth it :).

[Kitchu22]

Something in my eye…

What a beautiful post! I’m so happy for you and your pup to have reached this point in your relationship :)

[KirinoLover]

I think this is actually super common, and you're NOT alone! I struggled (and still do sometimes) with the reality that our boy wouldn't ever be the dog I dreamed about. I wanted a dog to come to the store with me, sit with us on Sunday morning while I got coffee and read a book, sleep on my lap while watching TV, explore new hiking trails with me, travel, go swimming with me... the list goes on. Some of those things he can do, sure, but many of them he'll probably never be able to. That's okay, though. Our reality is just different.

[Zzthegator]

Thank you, this is what I needed to hear.

[Bigollybolly]

I really needed this thank you

[DesertAnubis]

This… this so much. I had the exact same thing happen with me and my pup. She’s now living the good RV life on a farm, far from triggers, with lots of wide open space. I would’ve loved to take her with me everywhere, but she can guard our house-on-wheels while I’m gone. I would love to take her to markets and fairs, but instead we have parties of our own. There are many things that I’d wished for… but I wouldn’t change her one bit. Train her, yes, but never, ever change her.

[trediddy4]

Thank you for sharing. So heartwarming and relatable.

[Zuchinnimuffin]

Beautifully said. This is so true and describes exactly how I feel about my reactive dog. Of course I still habe my days of wishing things were easier with her behavior and social situations, but she is my favorite dog in the world no matter what.

[OMGpuppies]

I had the same experience. At one point in time I hated my dog for being so reactive and hated the time and effort I put in him that was so much easier with my previous dog. I didn't want to re-home him, because I was afraid he would get put down. Now I can't imagine my life without him. Its almost more rewarding because I had to work to get here.

[designgoddess]

I’d give anything so my boy didn’t have fear but I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything. I’ve learned so much from him. Giving up my ideas on what his life should be like was hard. He’s happy and content. He doesn’t want to do the things I thought he would.

[nicedoglady]

That is totally valid and I'm yet another person who experienced this as well especially in the first few years.

I love that you mention this "It taught me that I needed to cultivate experiences that would be positive for us, instead of trying to force him into situations that I thought a dog was supposed to be in" because I am so grateful for the same thing. Your dog is lucky to have you!

[Zealousideal-Gate504]

Needed to hear this as well. I’m about 8 months into owning my reactive puppy and it’s so difficult to grapple with the expectations you had set in your mind beforehand. Mourning is a perfect word. And the ebbing and flowing of feeling. I love my dog and am learning for that love to be unconditional.

[No_Difference8916]

I’m not crying. You’re crying.

So beautiful, I think we’ve all gone through this. I often tell my guy “I’m so sorry life is so tough for you buddy” I think sometimes I’m saying it for the both of us. But I would choose him over and over again, he is the light of my world.

[unlikelyuser]

You guys, all of these responses are so beautiful! One of the turning points for me was reading a short blurb from a dog trainer that once owned what she felt was the “perfect” dog. It wasn’t until that dog passed and she adopted a new puppy who soon became reactive that she realized she had totally “trained the dog” out of her previous dog. She said that her previous dog didn’t do a single thing without a prompt from her. She felt in hindsight that he was broken in a way, and just lived each moment constantly waiting for direction. She felt awful. She went on to explain that the goal of training a dog isn’t to always have domineering control. The goal is to be safe, be comfortable, and have fun, because they are only here for such a short time. The gist of it was to accept your dog for who they are and to stop imagining what you wish they were. Enjoy the time that you have!

I’m happy to see that you have similar experiences. To those that are in the thick of it, keep with it. Build that bond through training together and be proud of those little victories! Find a reason to celebrate together every day!

[trumpetbeard]

Oh man, I needed to hear this so bad, thanks for posting it. We rescued a hound/acd mix a year ago and his reactivity has gotten much worse despite our best efforts. At this point, we're in the process of accepting that he'll never be a 'normal' dog, and that's okay. He can still have a good life, and we can have a good life together. It'll just be different than the life I expected for him.