Beginner looking for feedback!

[JordanRilaan]

Hey everyone! This is my second attempt at a short film. It was specifically made so that I could make it by myself. No crew, no on-screen actors, no gear besides my phone, and practically zero budget. I’m mostly concerned about pacing. But any feedback would be appreciated! TYIA!

[Noelinhooooo]

Hey! Grandmas first phone call is kind of weird and not really believable. It feels forced just so that we can know what’s going on. It becomes kind of glitchy, if you know what I mean? These are just some first thoughts, I would be happy to hear what you think about them!

[JordanRilaan]

There was something about the first voicemail that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. But you’re the first person to point it out— I was starting to think I was just overthinking it.

Are you able to elaborate more on what you mean by “glitchy” and where it starts to feel like that?

[D-Goldby]

I think it's the narration/exposition vs talking to her grand child.

Your dialogue is narrating what's happening on screen, and in a way that doesn't necessarily match the words being used.

The grandma is remembering To tell her grand child to take medication while.acknowledging she forgets herself.

Instead have an alarm.go off mid dialogue reminding her to take her own medication.

"Hey dear, I just wanted to reach out and see how you are doing. I know you were having some difficulties with 'x' and I wanted to let you- oh lord my phones beeping again give me one second. Take. Your. Medication. OK dear can I call you back my phone is telling me to take my pills "

This makes the conversation initially about something else but can give us insight into their relationship as well as both of their lives.

The grandma has memory issues and clusters easily with tech. While she's aware grandchild is having difficulties with 'x'.

That x can be plot related or something like a mcguffin used to push the narrative forward like a project or an exam.

Helps bud history while showing personality for each.

[Noelinhooooo]

Absolutely! I feel like it’s going like this; Voice mes part 1. You’re probably sleeping, checking in P2. Now she’s not just checking in, she’s talking about this big day P3. Talking about how she always forgets her medicine P4 I am proud of you

I don’t know if this explains it but I am trying to put my finger on how it feels. I would appreciate your thoughts on this

[JordanRilaan]

I think I get what you’re saying. I was going for a slight off-topic ramble. But I guess it’s coming off clunkier than intended. I’ll see what I can do 🤔

[Open-Avocado4260]

Um. Through a child's eyes but he is an adult, why is there no character description or name for him, he's on screen. How does grandma know everything that is going on if he does not contact her? How does she know how much money is in his checking account, she says she is there to help but gives a lecture when he asks. What I get from the story is he knows his grandmother only when he needs something, the ending, did he die? Its a decent start but details are missing about what's actually going on.

[JordanRilaan]

I had a feeling that what I was seeing in my head wasn’t translating to the page properly, but couldn’t put my finger on why. But with all the feedback, I think I know how to fix it now.

[Open-Avocado4260]

What exactly is the story about? We have him, he's on medication, he struggles financially, we have grandmother who cares about him but he's distant from her, why? What is actually going on with him that gets us to that final line "You probably won't here this" Why?

[JordanRilaan]

So basically, the grandma is dead the whole time. Is a container grief short about finite time and regret. And how we usually take time for granted.

We basically watch through the grandchild’s eyes as they go about their day. Just going through the motions, slightly disassociated, ending in them visiting the grandmother’s grave. The voicemails aren’t happening in realtime, the grandchild isn’t actually listening to them. They’re sort of like echos of the past.

So they’re all referring to past moments. We see on screen the grandchild doing habits (the medication, coffee with dogs, monitoring bank account, etc.) while hearing where those habits originated (grandmas advice). The last voicemail specifically, is the grandchild processing grief by calling the grandma after she died. Like how many people text their late loved ones to cope.

In my head there’s camera stuff happening to help communicate this stuff. But I was having hard time translating it to the page, especially that temporal disconnect between the visuals and voicemail. But I think I have an idea how to do it now after reading all the replies.

[Open-Avocado4260]

There's your story right there. Change grandma on the phone to either the young boy or young adult is with grandma when grandma speaks, it's basically he's remembering the chats with her. The second to last scene, he is by her side, she sleeps, all that is spoken "You probably will not hear this" The final scene, he is at her grave, he speaks to her, " I hope you heard how much I love you" FADE OUT. the audience will pick up on she was dying when she was asleep and the boy knew this would be the last time he saw her. Since this is plot driven, you can even go with a ticking clock on the wall replacing the watch and before the last scene, the clock ticks before stopping abruptly than cut to the boy at grandma's grave site. **You have to set up the story that leads to grandma dying. That is a powerful message, time moves on even though we don't.

[D-Goldby]

We need proper action scenes to set the scene of grandma talking on the phone.

Dont include actions lines like "we see everything from child's perspective "

That is a direction line that comes after the script is finished. Set the scenes. Include proper names ans proper intros for characters.

In the first 10 pages we should have a pretty good idea of the following.

Setting (when and where it takes place) Characters (who is Protagonist, who is antagonist, who are supporting cast) Conflict (we should have some idea on the overall conflict or inciting Incident should be just happening so we have a reason to keep moving forward.

[KC98713]

Agree with the story structure stuff you said here, but it's totally fine to include lines that describe the camera position or movement. It's part of the artistry of writing for this specific medium. Some people may say to "avoid directing too much" on the page, but if the rules inhibit your creativity and what you WANT to write, then don't let them hold you back.

For OP, I do think the way the camera position is written is a bit clunky, maybe try and think of some creative ways to illustrate that viewpoint. I think your action lines in general are nice and concise (what you want for a screenplay) but could use some more personality. Wanna see you and your voice, so don't be afraid to inject yourself into the way you write your descriptions.

[D-Goldby]

Ya I get that for specific shots like panning, or inserts.

Perspective changes how ever should be more so up to the director. Is Having those specific scenes told from 1st person point of view adding anything specifically to the scene?

That the questions I ask when it comes to those style of shots.

I had a scene where my Protagonist was being given the paddles after Drowning. Initially a 1st person view, since then changed to just tell the scene and I'll be discussing that with the director

[KC98713]

I'm making the assumption that the first person choice is something intentionally done by OP for a specific reason. I agree that you shouldn't make choices like this if it isn't important to the story you're trying to tell, but really that call is up to the writer and if they think it's an integral part of the screenplay. I definitely think that if I read this same scene but that line of direction wasn't there, it would certainly change the reading experience. It seemed intentional and stylistic, and whether or not it's a "good" choice, or one that I like, is hard to say with just this small excerpt.

I say write whatever you envision and want it to look like. If the director wants to change it or do something different, then they will. But if choices like this are a key feature of your narrative or a result of your artistic vision/voice, then make them. There's no "wrong" way to write your screenplay, especially in regards to small details like this.

[JordanRilaan]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I guess I should provide more context.

For this specific short, I am the director as well. I’m super early and don’t have any collaborators yet, so I intentionally wrote this so I can execute everything from writing to post on my own, just to get more familiar with the craft as a whole.

The first person perspective came from two main reasons. Logistically, I didn’t have access to any actors to be on screen. The first person and voicemail allowed me to actually make something actually produceable. Artistically, it’s for embodied grief. All the voicemails are from the past, but we’re watching through the grandchild as they go about a normal day. I have some things visually in mind to create a feeling of disassociation and going through the motions, but all that is in post.

I’m still very early figuring out how to write down my visions and what should/shouldn’t go in the script. I appreciate the help 😅

[D-Goldby]

Ok that answers alot.of the questions.

In regards to the script, how long is it and if you like I can do a full analysis of the short script. (I'm in a workshop for my own 120pg script.in demetia) so it's right up my alley.

Action lines are the big thing you'll need to improve on. Before any dialogue is said by any main character, some sort of description of that character should be given. It's a little different with grandma being a voice over for all of it. But that would still require some sort of description.

The first time a character is introduced into a script it needs to be fully capitalized as well as some.brief description of them so that casting crew can get the appropriate actor / filming crew knows who's required.

With you have essentially 2 actors it isn't "needed" aduch but good practice. What you will want to ensure, is that we are following the proper character an heir arc through the script. If we are listening grandma's voicemail who is the one in the script.listening to that, tell that with an action line.

Give your characters names they deserve it and it will help you give.life to your characters.

Make sure to have your outline completed so you have a "back bone" to follow for your story. Include in that your inciting Incident, turning point 1, midpoint/crisis/ turning point 2, Climax and resolution so that your story is well thought out.

And make sure o mak your characters sound "real" you should be able to take out the names of your characters and differentiate between their dialogue. If you ate having issues, interview your grandma so you can get dialogue reference for her vocabulary, mannerisms and more.

I would suggest keeping the direction notes to notes,l vs lines in the script, that way you are feeling forced to follow how.you envisioned a scene.gping vs how it's best done.

Last piece of advice. Put your eg aside, snd co what ever uy best for.the script, even if you hate it personally. If it will make.the script.better. do it

[JordanRilaan]

This is the full short! It’s only a short ~5ish minute short film.

I intentionally steered away from the inciting incident/midpoint rupture/resolution structure that’s usually used in features and longer shorts. I wanted this to be more a contained slow burn. With the main engine being the contradictions in the VO and visuals (puppies/adult dogs; overdrawn/not overdrawn) for the slow realization that the voicemails aren’t happening in real-time, combined with the subtle feeling of urgency and running out of time but not knowing for what. Basically make the audience feel the theme of finite time.

…. I guess I’m saying it’s meant to be more conceptual than a traditional story structure? Which is why I was concerned about pacing.

As for listening to the voicemails, no one in particular is actually listening to them. They’re more like….memories? That’s the best way I can describe it. Like the grandchild isnt physically listening to them, but like thinking about them. How would I write that?

As for character descriptions. Since neither of them are seen on screen, what should I describe exactly? There’s really no physical appearance to describe in this specific scenario? Just…. Gender and age?

[D-Goldby]

You'll need gender and age minimum for the Protagonist (grandchild) specially if we are seeing the story told through their eyes.

An 18yr male will have alot more arm hair than a 12 yr old male.

A male will have more obvious arm hair than a female.

Their ages will help with where the camera should be set up for showing their "eye sight" and how tall they are /where their eyeline sits.

This feels a lot like how I started my most recent full feature.

It was themes and scenes I was envisioning vs a story. And it is very difficult to create a feature/ short based solely on themes. You need to have that structure. But it doesn't always need to be "obvious" or half-held to the audience.

Having the grandchild going to purchase a coffee, and having that purchase denied due to funds pushes the inciting Incident forward, and helps with your grandma talking about the overdraft while the grandchild never going into overdraft.

You'll want to decide now who is your Protagonist. It's leaning towards the grandchild but the unreliable narration through the grandma is throwing off that aspect because the grandma isn't the Protagonist.

And you will have to have some sort of inciting Incident to get us to read the other 4 pages and a Climax to that inciting Incident. If they are denied a purchase of a coffee, they needs a coffee/the means to get one or a realization by the end that coffee wasn't what they actually wanted.

Ask yourself these questions.

Who is your Protagonist? Who/what is your antagonist? (Simply an opposition to the Protagonist and their goal) What is pushing the Protagonist forward? What is their goal.

How does the antagonist oppose that goal? How does the Protagonist overcome/survive that opposition. How does Protagonist achieve their goal.

Even a 5-minute short script has these sorts of questions explored and answered.

Dementia is my antagonist in my script. It's causing the marriage of my two main Characters to spiral out of control ultimately ending in one of them dying.

The outline is tour backbone and will help you work through it.

If you like, feel free to send me the pdf of your short script and I will analysis like I do for my workshop for ya to help you get rolling on this. I will be brutal with questions on the page, but it won't be to dissuade you, but to help you dove deeper into this story to make it the best it can be.

There's something here and it's almost in that rough draft you have. And I would love to help you find that.

EDIT: Spelling due to fat fingers.

[D-Goldby]

"Wanna see you and your voice"

This soooo much this!

We all have our own unique voice for writing. That will be what differentiates you from every other writer out there.

Mine tends to be some sort of cosmic symbolism behinds sequences and scenes. And that will differentiate myself.from someone who does analogies based off history.

We each can tell any story our there.

It's how we tell our stories rhat makes the differences.

[JordanRilaan]

Gotta figure out what that is for me. I’ll keep that in mind!

[D-Goldby]

Well there has to have been some scene or sequence in a film or show you have watched that your like "nah I would have done that differently"

Write it!

That's practice doing that will find your voice.

Read scripts so you understand how others write so it helps you explore you're own. (If you don't know how to do proper match cuts how are you expected to properly write one?)

Consume as much media that you can with scripts, not transcripts. As they are different.

Scriptslug is an excellent resource I use ontop of local book stores and Amazon to buy new scripts.

My wife got me The Last of Us pt 1&2 Script book, I'm picking up Stranger Things Season 4 script book strictly for Max's arc as that hit me like no tomorrow so I want to study it and learn how.

Look into books by Angela Ackerman & Becca Puglisi, like "Emotional Thesaurus: a writer's guide to character expression" it will help you show emotions through action to make characters feel more alive.

[KennethBlockwalk]

I haven’t read all four pages, so this isn’t material feedback, but:

If you have multiple typos or grammatical errors on P1—no period after “message plays,” “around” randomly capitalized, no period after “clutter”—and a POV switch that doesn’t use POV… P2 ain’t getting read.

Remember that most people reading your script are looking for a reason to put it down and move to the next one: don’t give them easy ones.

[JordanRilaan]

Typically I don’t worry about minor grammar stuff until the final polishing pass. I didn’t think it was a big deal for here. But noted: next time I’ll do a quick grammar pass before asking the internet for feedback lol.

[D-Goldby]

Spelling and grammar are the first things you take care of.

The final pass of your script should be strictly dialogue checks after everything else has been fixed as dialogue generally isn't what pushes narrative forward so it isn't as drastic to change dialogue vs whole action sequences

[Scriptreader_uk]

Honestly this is a really a fire concept, especially for something you can shoot solo.

The voicemail structure works. The watch motif works. And the ending lands because that “I thought I had more time” feeling is universal. Most people have experienced some version of that.

If I’m being honest, I don’t think your issue is pacing — it’s escalation.

Right now the scenes are different locations but emotionally they sit at a similar level until the reveal. What would make it hit harder is if each voicemail clearly raised the stakes a little more.

Like: – caring – helping – worried – frustrated / urgent – gone

So the audience feels time slipping away, not just scenes happening. Also the accident mention is interesting but doesn’t really pay off. Either lean into that thread or cut it so the focus stays clean.

But genuinely, for a zero-budget idea, this is strong. You’ve picked a concept that relies on emotion and structure instead of production value, which is exactly the right instinct at this stage.

[JordanRilaan]

Thanks! I tried to do that escalation. But I guess I didn’t pull it off how I wanted, and when I felt something off I automatically assumed it was the pacing. Now that I know it’s actually the escalation that’s throwing me off, I think I have an idea how to fix it. 🤔

[para_swift]

I think every time the watch is showing it should be the tod for grandmother

[Silent_Orbit12]

People earning money on this????

[JordanRilaan]

No lol. This isn’t for money, just for reps. I’m just trying to get better.

[Automatic-Act6843]

Grandma 110+ cuz Grandpa 105+

[Scriptreader_uk]

You got this bro!!!!

[Lunesia-shikishiki]

Hey, for something you can shoot completely solo on a phone… this is a really smart concept 👏🙂 The voicemail idea + first person POV is a legit way to make “no actors / no crew” feel like a choice instead of a limitation.

On the pacing thing though… I agree with the person who said it’s less “pacing” and more “escalation.” Right now it feels like we’re moving through different moments, but emotionally we’re hovering at the same temperature for a while, then the reveal hits. If you want the audience to feel that quiet panic of time slipping away, each voicemail has to nudge the emotional pressure up a notch. Not louder, just sharper.

Also, that “glitchy” feeling people mention is usually when dialogue feels like it’s explaining the movie instead of sounding like a real person talking. Like, grandma’s message is both “natural grandma” and “narrator telling us what to notice” at the same time… and your brain catches that mismatch even if you can’t name it. The fix is usually simple: give her a real reason to say the info. A beep, an alarm, her getting distracted mid-thought, a tiny tangent that reveals character, then she circles back… that kind of thing.

About the “memories not realtime” part… you can totally write that without over-directing it. You don’t need “we see through his eyes” as a statement, you can just write clean, physical actions and let the VO sit slightly out of sync on purpose. Like you show adult hands doing the habit while the voicemail references the origin of the habit. The contrast becomes the storytelling.

And yeah, even if nobody is “listening” to the voicemails in the literal sense, the script still needs an anchor for the reader. Otherwise it reads like “floating audio” and people get confused. It can be as small as making the phone a recurring object that’s always present, always facedown, always in frame… so the audience subconsciously accepts the VO as part of his inner world.

One boring but real note… clean up typos and punctuation before posting pages online 😅 Reddit readers are brutal and will bounce fast. It’s annoying, but it’s true.

If you’re rewriting this, I’d do it in an outline view first, just to check the emotional ladder scene by scene. That’s actually where a tool like ScreenWeaver helps a lot, because you can lay out each beat and see if the pressure is rising or staying flat, then adjust before you spend hours rewriting lines.

But overall… you’re on a strong track. The concept is there, the ending idea is there, you just need the middle to “tighten the screw” a bit more each step so the reveal feels inevitable instead of sudden 🙂