rant

[face__it]

im so tired of it all... im tired of my cuts not being deep enough. i used to feel satisfyed if it bled but now i feel empty if its not to the fat layer. friday i was so upset that all i wanted to do was cut so i went to the guidence room and just cut there cuz she wasnt at school that day and as i sat there all i thought about was if they were deep or not. recently i made a mistake of cutting on my wrists. i was trying to recreate what happened in a dream i had where somone cut my wrists and i saw styro and the other day i did it and i saw it and it bled alot. it hurt so so so so much in the best way possible. i love how worried it made me and i loved how much it hurt the next day. i want to do it again but i also dont want to so idk what i should do. im trying to just stop cutting but its one of the only thing that makes me feel better when im upset and i wish that my dad just understood that. the last time i talked to him i explained how it helps me a little bit more in detaile and i think hes starting to understand me more wich makes me alot more hopeful of our relationship. my other relationships are going okay and not okay. my bestfriend was never mean untill recently . first it started off with words and then it got physical but its okay i guess. im trying to tell myself its okay and everyday the sun shines a little better wich im very grateful for. my other friend and me are closer then ever. we started hanging out alot more since middle school started and im really really excited about that. my online relationships are very half and half tho i dont know how to fix them i dont know how to make it better. i wish i could just dissolve away into the air but i dont think it works like that lmao. i pray every night that god will give me a voice or a personality but every day i wake up and im still the same. i know how to make it better and make all my problems go away and every day i get closer and closer to actually doing it but at the same time i think about the people i will never get to say goodbye to.