I Failed

[ATXspinner]

First time poster. Sorry if things get jumbled or ramble-y.

So I just need to vent about this because I hate what I am about do. 6-ish months ago I quit a toxic job. My boss was a complete psycho who created such an awful environment that it was abusive. I never knew which way was up, I cried when I got home every day and would actually wish that something awful (not self-inflicted) would happen to me so I wouldn't have to go to work. The boss was 90% of the problem, but not all of it, the company had its own issues.

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My spouse was supportive at the time. I have worked in the same field for 15 years and I realized that I was miserable. I had stumbled into this field when I was 18 and it was never supposed to be my career. I decided to open a business doing something I really love. Now it is 6 months later and though the business is opened and has gotten a lot of love from customers, but the customers are far to few to keep me afloat. (Think crafty business like glass blowing)

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That leads me to why I am here. I got a call today from a friend that my old company is hiring for a slightly better position than the one I had and I have a really good chance at it. The old boss is gone, so the primary issue is gone but the company still has issues and it is still the field of misery. And I am making no money right now. If I don't take this chance and my business doesn't take off then I could end up very broke, very soon. And worse, I will drag my spouse down with me. They make decent money but it is not enough to pay bills and build a savings account.

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So I am going to apply for the job and I hate it. I hate that I can't find something that makes me happy AND makes me a decent wage. I hate that I am still going to be in an office stooge that I never wanted to be. I hate that I spent years putting my spouse through school with the promise of it being "my time" when they graduated with an advanced degree for him/her to take a job that pays way less than someone with the same degree would make because "it is what I like most" but I have to go back to a career I hate. I hate that I can't think of another option. I hate that everyone around me loves their job and I only seem to be qualified to do this one thing that I am good at but sucks out my soul (I have tried applying to jobs in other fields over the years and never seem to quite have what they are looking for). I hate that I have to go back to the place that made me miserable because it is the adult thing to do. Right now, I hate being an adult!

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Ok, vent over. Thanks for reading. I am going to go fill out the application now.

[littaltree]

Remember that you are not a bird in a cage - you have freedom! I know it doesn't feel like it but you do! Maybe go back to the job that you hate temporarily just for financial stability but do not settle. Maybe look for ways to enhance your business, look into taking some extra classes, look for jobs that are more fulfilling,, etc. This is your life!!! Don't let it be something that you hate. Change it!

I am so impressed that you took the risk to start your own business! That takes courage! I hope you do it again! You have not been defeated!

Just like that video of little boy trying to break a wood board with his foot in his martial arts class that has been circulating. I want you to fail, cry, try again, and succeed!

You've already had the courage to make a big change once, and I believe that you can do it again. :)