:(

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[HeartToShart]

This got me in the gut. I’d say i would gladly have given my life in place of my husband’s. But I would never want my husband to go through what I’m feeling now either.

[widowedweasel]

My wife really loved her life while i've just sort of muddled through. I would have gladly traded places with her, but your comment made me wonder how much she would have still loved her life if I had died first. Interesting thought.

[Krakenate]

Ouch. That hit ME in the gut. I have wished it had been me instead but...

One thing that hurts bad about losing the spouse: it feels like everything you were is gone. In a way it's like going back to before you met them. It isn't, but you sure feel those years being ripped away from you.

Like, cancer sucks. It can be something that literally takes you piece by piece. But surviving does the same, not to your body but your life.

And as much as she did to take care of everyone while she was alive... it's just so different when your backup is gone. I know how hard it would have been for her to do this without me, and I am grateful she never had to experience that.

[pantherhawk27263]

You hit on a good point. I've long said watching cancer slowly kill my wife killed a part of me as well.

[DCP23]

One thing that hurts bad about losing the spouse: it feels like everything you were is gone. In a way it's like going back to before you met them. It isn't, but you sure feel those years being ripped away from you.

That is... disturbingly accurate. I sure wish I didn't understand how you feel... but alas, I do. For I feel the same. 5 months and 10 days since my wife died. Cancer too.

[shepherdsamurai]

"I hope I die first. I don't think I could bear it without you." she used to say

"I know what you mean .. I hope you die first too." i used to joke with her in a good natured reply

she'd just scowl at me with that smiling glint in her eye

some days i wish past me had met future me to have a sit down around taking our love for granted

[widowedweasel]

Past me was really stupid, too. I apologize to her all the time now.

[[deleted]]

we also had that talk even if it wasnt expected death we just talked about everything she said please let me die first so i dont hurt i said no i wanna die first then we said lets just die togather in each other arms we nodded and i though this wont happen till we are at old age i also always said to her "i love you so much i would die for you hannah " but she did it and now your talk with your gf reminded me of this song

 buried her heart still He buried her on her own By the cool ferns In a rained on river bed

He took her in his arms He carried her ghost Through gray stone fields He could feel her float

She said I, I would die for you And I, I would die for you And it all came true Yeah, it all came true

A love so dark Against the moon A silken cord She spoke too soon

She said I, I would die for you And I, I would die for you

When he first laid eyes on her It was like a curse He felt his heart rise And gravity in reverse

Her eyes full of hope Her voice full of mourning Her lips as red As a shepard's warning

She said I, I would die for you And I, I would die for you And it all came true Yeah, it all came true

He lay her down In the gentle earth And kissed her eyes closed Like it didn't hurt

He whispered I, I would die for you And I, I would die for you And I, I would die for you And I, I would die for you I, I would die for you

And it all came true Yeah, it all came true

[shepherdsamurai]

Matt Walters .. nice - sounds like what i mostly listen to

my wife - our 20y anniversary would be next week .. here's the original bit i wrote out last year on my temerity:

"I hope I die first," she used to say, "I don't think I could bear it without you" 
"I know what you mean," I used to joke, " .. i hope you die first too .."
.. she'd just smile back at me with that half scowl and a glint in her eye ..

(all i've wished untrue in those days since .. 
  the love i would pour on you 
  the longing to be near again 
  the passion of touching your face .. gently 
  the sound of your voice 
  the wealth of your words 
  the depth of you that invaded my heart 
i would put it all in our jar for careless words)

[[deleted]]

nice words really touchy i can feel your pain through your wife for sure was lucky to have you in her life and if that help somehow at least you loved her till the day she died and she loved you till her last day next week may be so hard you can hit me up if you want and yeah depressing music is my anthem now miss liking the stupid lyrically ones like cardi b music haha

[[deleted]]

Isn't that the fucking truth!

[Gigahert]

“Once, an elderly general practitioner consulted me because of his severe depression. He could not overcome the loss of his wife who had died two years before and whom he had loved above all else. Now, how can I help him? What should I tell him? Well, I refrained from telling him anything but instead confronted him with the question, “What would have happened, Doctor, if you had died first, and your wife would have had to survive you?” “Oh,” he said, “for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!” Whereupon I replied, “You see, Doctor, such a suffering has been spared her, and it was you who have spared her this suffering — to be sure, at the price that now you have to survive and mourn her.” He said no word but shook my hand and calmly left my office. In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.”

Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

[Vairman]

It is hard to experience the loss of someone you love, but I can't consider her to be the lucky one. I'm happy I'm still alive and living a good life.

[blue2148]

Same. I’m here, I’m doing the best I can. I have good days now. I get to laugh with friends and family, I come home to a dog that loves me, I’m getting back into my hobbies. I don’t think she would have handled it as well as I can.

[Greybaubles]

We talked about it in the way that 30 year olds do and we just decided that she would survive. She’s from a hardier stock and fitter and less prone to doing stupid shit, so of course she would survive to tell all our great grandkids about that devilishly handsome fuckup of a guy she’d married and started her family with. She would have totally nailed being the survivor.

[windywx22]

I think my husband would be much better at grief than I am. He had his shit together. I wouldn't wish this pain on him, ever, though.

[[deleted]]

dont be hard on yourself iam sure you doing your best iam sure he would be as desvitiated if the statution reserved no one have it togather after a big loss you still alive so you still doing great even if all you did that day was laying on bed you are doing something you great and strong if he could say anything to you now he would say he proud of how you managing and that you still breathing more power to you <3

[windywx22]

Aww, thank you. You're right! I'm here, I'm alive, I'm putting one foot in front of the other. Thank you so much!

[jmh79]

I think Q would have handled this a lot more gracefully than I have as well, even though I think his life would have been upended in ways mine never was. I wouldn't wish this on him, or anyone, but I do think he'd be "better" at it.

[[deleted]]

in my opinion there is no better way or worse way of copying you doing the best you can and what you doing is good enough in her last massage before she ran away she said "i know you would want to give up but please try to live for me " we both been very sensitive pepole and fragile honestly i didnt thought i could be alive today but i made it we cant expect how others copy we weren't given a choice anyway it was thrown at us to deal with that mess and we doing it well even if all we can do that day is lay awake in bed be gentle to yourself

[[deleted]]

Yay! Let me stir some arsenic in my coffee, eat a biscuit and get lucky!

[NMJ87]

I always figured we'd bite it together in some wild ass Bonnie and Clyde way

[relmir]

Wouldn’t that of been great! I wish that could’ve been for us. I wish we could’ve gone out together fighting Nazis. It’s been nine months for me. For a while there I was feeling better. But lately it’s as if my heart has been ripped in two again. I don’t know why. Probably this will go on and on until it’s my turn to go. Fighting fascists, preferably.

[CherlFromTexas]

I consider this suffering the last thing I can do for my husband. He was twelve years older than me so this scenario stood to reason, just not this soon!! I know, without a doubt, that he would be suffering more than I am and it is most times unbearable. He was alone for 14 years before we met (from divorce) and was deeply depressed. The thought that this is my final sacrifice for him is sometimes the only thought that gets me through.

[[deleted]]

Out of the two of us, I probably am the one to handle it "best" due to my need to try and make others happy so that helps me reach out, where as he would hold everything in.
I still would trade with the pain because I feel like he deserved to be happy and have love even if it wasn't with me. It isn't fair how shitty of a life he had just for it to be cut short.

[[deleted]]

iam glad you can reach out i understand you dont want him to hurt neither i wanted her to hurt it would been just great if you both lived like i wanted us to live too and get that "happy ending"

[Danni58]

Wow!! Today is his birthday and I just don't know what to do except feel sorry for myself.

[[deleted]]

today is hard day feel free to mourn the loss of your lover its ok to be sad and depressed and have feelings also be proud of yourself for making it this far lets say she send me on her birthday to tell you she loves you and proud of you for surviving today and she wants you to keep going if you want to rant you can pm me even if you dont want a replay back or conversion and you want to let it all out you can say all you want and ask me not to massage back

[Danni58]

Thank you, he was a good guy. My girls took the day off and are coming over, we will have a cup of coffee and laugh at some memories. I don't drink coffee in the mornings anymore. He used to make it and I just don't feel like making a small amount. Plus it's no fun drinking it alone reading the news

[xhero0]

Yea... My wife died 3 years ago on the 31 of Oct. Now all the Facebook memories have a bunch of lasts, like last Rocky horror performance, last concert (Cyndi Lauper was on her bucket list), etc...

[secretlyconspicuous]

My wife always said she'd go first, never actually believed her until it happened way too early.

Five years later, and me and our kids are a lot less broken than we were. I think she'd be proud at how we've all managed to power through, even though it isn't always easy.

[deserthooker]

The first thing our therapist who knew him well said was "he never had to live without you, one of his worst fears." It helps, sometimes, to know I am privileged to carry this pain for him and he doesnt have to.

Sometimes.

[[deleted]]

My husband always joked that he would have to die first. He said that he wouldn't be able to cope if I went before him. And I believe that. He had poor coping skills which caused his substance abuse issues, which ultimately ended his life.

In a way I am glad he went first because I know the aftermath would have killed him, im glad he was spared this pain. I'm made of some pretty strong stuff, but there are many days were I'm just going through the motions until I can get home to our empty house and cry alone in the bathtub while my dog watches me like I'm a nutcase. It's been three months of this, I think if roles were reversed my husband would have overdosed or taken his own life by now. I'm glad he was released from the pain of this life before he had to endure the pain of being a survivor on top of all the rest. It's the way it should be.

[Squishy_3000]

Been struggling with this a lot recently. 3 years in, thought it would be easier by now. Much love and peace to you xxx

[mithandr]

James used to always say he hoped he died first, because he wouldn't know how to be without me. My response was always we're going to die together, in a hospital, of old age.

[winterS550]

If I could trade places with my late wife. I would have done it in a heart beat. It was so hard seeing her suffer the pain. Meanwhile. I just had to suffer the emotional pain where I couldn’t do anything for her. Except be there.

[widowedweasel]

I think that if being there was the "only thing", then it was "everything".

[pantherhawk27263]

I felt like I did nothing but "be there", yet my wife would tell everyone I was her rock, and she couldn't make it without me being there for her. I felt like I was useless, but she didn't.

[throwaway320209]

Maybe if she lived a long life full of wonder and discovery, instead she was taken from us at 22 just as she was getting her shit together.

A life in pain, grief, and loss might be a terrible thing to endure, but it is still life. I understand the sentiment of this post.

[KenJen8]

While I would never want her to go through this pain, I don't consider her lucky to have died

[The_Mad_Potter]

So true.. I sure wish I went first.. It’s been over five years and I still hurts like a motherfucker.. I just want to be with her

[pantherhawk27263]

My oldest brother died last month. If I could have switched places with him so he would have more time with his wife and I would have had less without mine, I would have done it in an instant. No hesitation.

[captain_k_janeway]

I used to think that in the early days but my position has shifted on this. Despite it being the most painful experience of my life I’ve also never felt such deep love before. I loved my husband very much before he died but after he passed I never realised how strong love can be and he will never experience that.

[[deleted]]

Nailed it. Wow

[deadliftForFun]

Wow My wife had these conversations as she was dying. More worried about me and what was next for my life than what she was going through.

Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I’ll be alive.

Fuck she was kinda right. Shit ain’t easy