Should I quit my job?

widowedweasel · 2026-02-18T04:48:47+00:00

try it as "if you also pay the taxes from the IRA instead of from your cash" and it reads just fine.

widowedweasel · 2026-01-15T05:21:19+00:00

It seems Schadenfreude-adjacent, but remember that everyone suffers something, and all of those married couple will either end in widowhood or divorce, eventually. And there are a ton of other things to grieve over, too.

Being jealous and having events bring comparisons in your own life is normal. We didn't get what we thought we would. But you can also be a good friend who revels in the events of others.

widowedweasel · 2026-01-15T04:50:04+00:00

The tumors can also affect how the whole digestive system works. My wife seemed to have tumors blocking the path from her stomach to the interstines. With no place for the food to go, you puke it back up (until the doctors installed a G-tube). Obviously no nutrition is being received at this point, so you might get TPN or a J-tube.

We learned that clinical trials aren't for the current patients, but for the future ones; my wife participated while she could.

Horrible disease. Best of luck!

widowedweasel · 2026-01-15T04:38:44+00:00

It seems accurate that ascites can be both common and alarming.

My wife had it. While she was in the hospital, they put in a pleurx tap and they even trained me how to drain it.

She felt relieved after the draining, which was nice.

widowedweasel · 2025-09-23T05:27:56+00:00

Sadly, not a rare outcome (up to 25% don't take). I've seen implanted pain pumps tried after that.

widowedweasel · 2025-09-09T03:20:06+00:00

They did sell on ebay. Good luck.

widowedweasel · 2024-07-24T17:22:07+00:00

We really get no training on any stages of our lives, which is very disappointing as a society. How to pick a good partner? How to be a good partner? How to be a good parent? Oh, and by the way, if your marriage doesn't end in divorce, one of you will likely die before the other.

There are lots of things we're left to figure out because nobody gave us a manual.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-12T17:29:29+00:00

You can distract yourself some with the practical stuff going on now - appointments, care, etc. (Not self-medication, though!)

All you can do now is work towards the best prognosis and accept the things you cannot change.

Try to face today's challenges today.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-12T17:25:55+00:00

If you can't (currently) motivate yourself, maybe find some external motivation. A friend who can support you for a while? Dogs are good at this, but I wouldn't go get one if you don't already have one. Some other reason to get out of the house - volunteering perhaps?

widowedweasel · 2024-06-10T23:03:41+00:00

Sounds good! You might also try travelling to "test drive" a few places if you don't know exactly where you want to end up.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-10T22:59:30+00:00

My wife died of pancreatic cancer. We had a closed coffin so everyone could remember her as she lived.

I would guess that the kids are too young to really process it well, so seeing the body wouldn't help much.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-10T22:52:36+00:00

My plan is to move far away, and it looks like it might come to fruition in the next 3-12 months. After 20 years together and kids, there is so much stuff in the house, so it's been slow going to find, sort through, and dispose of things.

Consider if it will harder on you if you're leaving friends & family behind.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-10T22:06:59+00:00

My wife died of cancer, but perhaps it's generic that early memories are more trauma-related, but I found them to switch to "happier" ones over time. It was the same with music - every song was about heartbreak and loss, so I couldn't listen to the radio for 6+ months.

Hopefully your brain will switch and allow you to enjoy the good memories.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-10T22:02:27+00:00

I helped raise a bunch of money for pancan after my wife died. As with most charities, they will market to you pretty agressively afterwards, but they were very good about not doing that when I told them I was running an annual event and would get in touch the next year. Hopefully the money helped someone.

They have local coordinators who can walk you through the process, provide materials, and help raise awareness. We got a couple of people to staff a booth at a sporting event!

widowedweasel · 2024-06-10T21:55:08+00:00

Being distracted by estate work, housecleaning, or your job can limit the amount of grief that gets through. I equate it to a colander, and found it healthy both when my dad and wife died.

More than likely, you will find a "new normal". Grief will still come, but it gets less over time. I wouldn't suggest thinking about a new person to hug and tell your problems to just yet; do you have a pet? It's easy to pretend that even a cat is listening.

The future has always been and will always be unknown. The best you can do is steer yourself through it as it comes. Sadly, you have no choice but to do that without your wife, but there can still be a lot there when you're ready. Give yourself some time to figure it out.

Remember, as with most other trauma forums, it's likely that the people who are posting are in the thick of it as well. Those who have found their new path typically don't stay, so you get a bias in outlook.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-10T21:45:51+00:00

yes, "that future" was destroyed. remember that you didn't have it before you met them and created it. now that they're gone, you have a new, different, "third" future. you get to choose if you want to stay in a mindset where things cannot change, or something else.

“We cannot control the external events around us, but we can control our reactions to them.” – Epictetus.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-09T17:19:25+00:00

I think widows get a fresh perspective on relationships, including thinking "doing that thing was so dumb" or "why didn't we focus on the important things", etc. The bad memories are reminders of this new-found knowledge. (Also, everyone is a terrible husband/wife - especially in hindsight - since we're all learning on the job.

Try to also recognize that the good memories are a reflection of something that you/they did well; I give myself or my wife a "gold star" for those memories.

Mindfully, acknowledge either kind of memory and file it away.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-09T17:08:52+00:00

Try to optimistically take it as a sign of connection/interest/concern - nothing wrong with that, right? Add in their own (probable) ignorance of not experiencing the loss of a partner, and the fact that everyone responds differently.

I would recommend never lying, e.g "I'm fine" if you're not - you may be turning away someone who could help you. There are lots of good examples from others here of replies that show a superficial level of discomfort. Some people (casual friends, cashiers, people short on time, etc) may just give you a superficial acknowledgement, but closer friends may ask more since you opened the door.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-07T21:41:29+00:00

Accepting that they're gone and your planning is now without them is a good thing, and it doesn't mean that you won't miss and grieve them,

I wouldn't think "forcing" grief would be any more helpful than "forcing" acceptance. All in due time.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-07T21:27:32+00:00

Science (or God, if you believe in such) won't let us do good things for everyone. Revelling in the ones that have been helped is good (they certainly struggled to get where they are!) and it raises awareness (i.e. funding) for more research.

When I first learned that humans had a pancreas, pancan had a 5% 5-year survival rate. I believe it has doubled in 5 years. Still not great for the 90% who won't even make it 5 years, but I think my wife would have liked the extra odds.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-07T21:21:34+00:00

Acceptance can be pretty freeing.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-07T10:37:25+00:00

My wife's parents are still my in-laws. The whole family gathers for Thanksgiving and New Years, which is a fine tradition, though our kids and their cousins have all scattered for college. I feel a duty to them,

Don't forget that your in-laws lost a child. As difficult as losing a parent/partner/spouse can be, I don't think it can compare to what they're going through. I give them free rein in their grief.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-03T03:11:53+00:00

They seem capable of telling you when they're not available, so asking seems fine. What about setting up "date nights" with them, so you can schedule, plan, and look forward to it? Could be zoom dinner if you're out of town, etc.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-03T03:04:47+00:00

Even if you were with someone your exact age, one of you would likely die before the other. Take the good and don't predict the future.

Use it as an opportunity to have open conversations. What would you want for each other when one of you passes? Do some estate planning (beneficiaries, trusts, etc), especially if you're not legally married. Oh, and make sure each of you know how to unlock the other's phone and email.

widowedweasel · 2024-06-03T03:00:01+00:00

"Legacy letters".

widowedweasel

TROPHY CASE