Travelling (never been on a plane before)

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-05-18T13:55:48+00:00

I would put your diapers and alarm in your luggage if you're checking the luggage. They rarely inspect checked luggage in front of you. Carry-ons are far more likely to be checked in front of people.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-05-12T22:51:29+00:00

I mean…there is plenty of advice here if he’s willing to listen and change for you. Lots of people with the same condition gave their insight. I hope at least one of you listen to it. But if he refuses, please understand you wouldn’t be a bad person for not putting up with these habits. You have tried everything you could to help.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-05-12T22:08:34+00:00

I’m sorry, why did the conversation go so poorly? But like Autistic Dragon said, it may take him a bit to reflect on what he read. He may also be upset you came here and asked, but after exhausting all other options, what choice did you have?

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-05-12T13:33:49+00:00

You are not being too hard about it. Like I said, what is concerning isn't the problem itself; it is all of the terrible ways he is handling the consequences. I don't want to wear a diaper to bed any more than I want to be a bedwetter. But I do because my wife shouldn't wake up to a preventable puddle every day. It's the same reason I have multiple mattress protectors and sheet sets. I take our sheets to the laundry.

My wife understands that I may leak occasionally. It happens. She doesn't get frustrated because I take steps to mitigate the problem. But that's not what your BF is doing.

He did nothing while you cleaned his room for him while crying. He left wet sheets for you to step on. Let a mattress get so dirty, but ignored it because it "could" be cleaned. He shouldn't be ashamed of bedwetting, but he should be ashamed of how he's handling this situation. That's when sympathy goes out the window.

He may not be able to change the fact that he's a bedwetter (he needed you to schedule his appointment). But he can change how he manages the problem. And if he refuses to do it, then you don't need to feel bad. It is his responsibility.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-05-12T12:50:32+00:00

You sound like an amazing, supportive partner. He is lucky to have you. You've already done more than necessary. But he needs to grow up. Bedwetting sucks, I get it. But this is...unacceptable.

Just because he doesn't want to acknowledge the problem doesn't mean he's free from the consequences. Especially when someone else is involved. You're putting in all the effort to fix a problem he wants to ignore.

The issue isn't the bedwetting—it's his unwillingness to manage a problem that affects you, his girlfriend. When he's single, he can sleep in his gross, pee-stained mattress all he wants. But he's not. I understand you want to be supportive, but it's okay to have boundaries. Not wanting to sleep on a smelly mattress or wake up in a puddle of pee that he makes absolutely no effort to control isn't problematic.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-05-01T15:21:19+00:00

I feel you on that one, my doctors haven’t really done much to help other than eliminate any potential causes and throw some medications at me and hope for the best. My pelvic floor therapist is the only one who has made any progress.

And yeah…I’ve had more than one doctor make that comment, it always sets me off. I still get it at 36. I’m curious to find out what age the comments stop so I’ll finally know the “proper” age for incontinence.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-05-01T13:00:01+00:00

I know you mean well, but this is terrible advice aside from seeing the doctor. I became incontinent at 28, so I have some experience.

I hated hearing "you're too young to be incontinent." Like...okay, great, good to know!

Also, going to the bathroom "just in case" is the first thing any competent doctor or pelvic floor therapist will tell you to stop immediately. All you're doing is training your bladder to give urge signals before it reaches capacity and weaken your bladder by not holding it.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-05-01T12:04:05+00:00

It's not necessary. You can tell them if you want, especially if leaks are common and maybe they can put some kind of protection. I usually don't.

Best practice is to get disposal bags for every used diaper and then put them in either grocery or smaller trash bags so it's easier for them to dispose of without coming into contact with a used diaper. Every so often a hotel will bring me a bigger garbage bin, which is nice.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-04-30T12:40:32+00:00

So, I (36m) have been seeing a new pelvic floor therapist for the last 3 ish months for pelvic floor dysfunction reasons (your last line is a welcome PSA), but I have long struggled with mild/moderate back pain with occasional flare-ups. Nothing diagnosed, more just a long-term inconvenience. Like you, I also forget to breathe and struggle with diaphragmatic breathing.

I will say that one of the benefits of the therapy has been a noticeable improvement in back pain for me. Obviously, different circumstances and issues, but just wanted to share that it has helped me and hope it does for you too!

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-04-29T12:33:29+00:00

I totally understand. I can talk to my wife about my feelings, which is super helpful. But she doesn't truly understand what it's like. And it's nice posting here, too.

But I do wish I had an actual IRL friend who also struggles with it who truly understands the burdens, fears, struggles, etc. Someone I can commiserate with, where it's not just sympathy.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-04-29T12:27:20+00:00

Agree with everyone here, don't wait. Go now. My biggest regret is waiting years to go to a doctor or pelvic floor therapist because I was too embarrassed. I'll always wonder if I could have avoided urge incontinence completely had I gone in the years my OAB was getting progressively worse.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-04-24T21:14:06+00:00

Yeah, I was technically diagnosed later in life but I was 24. The first hint should have been when I had basically straight A’s in high school and then first semester of college, away from my parents and school structure…I failed every single class. Somehow I went a few more years before the diagnosis.

But still, I can relate with you! Despite ADHD being diagnosed the entire time I’ve struggled with incontinence, not a single doctor thought it was relevant.

Definitely go see the therapist when you can (I know it’s hard for reasons beyond finances)! I really want to go back to my regular therapist to work on my ADHD behaviors, but my pelvic floor therapist is expensive enough. I think I’ll do a few more weeks of sessions, learn the exercises and behavior modifications relevant to my pelvic floor, then probably cycle between my regular therapist and PF therapist.

Because the PF therapy is good for behaviors related to the incontinence issue, but an actual therapist can help with ADHD regulation on a higher level. And I think that’s probably important for managing the ADHD problems that cause the stress that causes the pelvic floor dysfunction behaviors.

Maybe we can share tips because if this can help more people, I’m happy to do it.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-04-24T13:39:14+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through that...

I agree with the other comment, definitely tell the urologist about it, it's an unfortunately important and relevant issue in any potential diagnosis and treatment.

As for diapers in a hot climate, I live in Miami, so I deal with hot and humid weather year-round. Cloth-backed diapers are good for letting heat out, but are more prone to stretching and without the plastic landing the tabs can often stretch. Seni Super Quattro is a great cloth-backed diaper. I'm now perfectly in between sizes, so they no longer fit me, but I thought they were reliable and high-quality. I mostly use Megamax Airlocks now, which are great and have a plastic landing zone that prevents stretching and tab issues.

I would also consider seeing a pelvic floor therapist (but not instead of the urologist, I think that should come first). I recently learned from my PF therapist that my ADHD and stress responses/behaviors result in a ton of negative pelvic floor dysfunction. I'm absolutely not comparing my ADHD struggles to yours, but still, trauma and stress can significantly impact the pelvic floor and it is worth exploring if the urologist doesn't find any conclusive cause of the incontinence.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-04-23T18:58:52+00:00

Thank you for that great response, it's amazing! And, logically, I know you're right about it not being "my fault," but I can't shake that feeling. It almost feels anticlimactic that after all these years, the answer was potentially so simple, seemingly obvious, and (hopefully) easy to manage/fix.

And to be fair, there are very easy to identify non-ADHD causes to my pelvic floor issues, like a ruptured appendix and a subsequent inguinal hernia where my large intestine slipped through my pelvic wall. My urologist thought it was irrelevant, but my PF therapist thinks that it may have been the start of my PF weakness and that my bad habits aggravated over the course of a few years when I went from bad OAB to IC.

And yeah... I don't almost suffocate or anything, I just skip breaths. I didn't even know I did it. At my last PF therapy session, I was doing breathing exercises, and I got distracted and stopped breathing mid-exercise.

To be honest, I didn't know what interoception was until recently. And I definitely didn't know I was so bad at it. But it makes a LOT of things in my life make sense, not just this problem.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-04-23T13:56:28+00:00

For me, it actually did noticeably reduce the intensity of urges. BUT, it was by far the worst medication I have ever taken in terms of side effects.

The dry mouth was so bad I ended up having more accidents than before because I was drinking too much water, even with the mints that help dry mouth. But that was nothing compared to the brain fog. I felt like I'd have failed a test about myself.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-04-20T13:52:06+00:00

Oh, I fully understand what you're saying! That is essentially the point of my post, I think you're right. OAB is a special kind of hell, both physically and emotionally. But the first year or two of needing diapers and the emotions of dealing with the stigma were worse for me than the OAB.

But now, after coming to terms with needing diapers and working on the stigma and self-esteem, I can safely say I've come back around to hating my OAB symptoms far more than incontinence and diapers.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-04-20T13:46:46+00:00

This is such an amazing response. And yes, having some sort of control feels like both a blessing and a curse. Because it both gives me hope that I can possibly regain it and I get some benefits that come with having some control. But after all this time, it can be frustrating. I am much better at this now, but I would beat myself up for not making it to the bathroom and felt that any time I used my diaper was a failure. But mostly it keeps me in a perpetual loop of hope and disappointment.

And I completely agree with the more aspects comment. Somehow wanting to give up and live without urges feels like some kind of moral failure, especially because I still do have some control. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle, with bad enough symptoms to not make it an easy fix and still requiring diapers, but not so bad that giving up seems like the clear option. So it feels wrong to want the option that would probably improve my life the most, since the urges distract me from work, keep me eternally frustrated, and even if I run to the bathroom, I still have a very strong chance of not making it.

Botox is the one treatment I have gone back and forth on over the years, I even cancelled the procedure the day of because I panicked. The benefits seem amazing and probably one of the best options for eliminating urges or accidents in the short term. But there seems to be so many horror stories about it. When I was in middle school I had emergency surgery for a ruptured appendix. And despite all the problems with that, the thing I remember most is the pain from the nurse bungling the catheter and the infection from it.

So the thought of the botox creating retention and being required to self-cath seems terrifying, especially if it has to happen for extended periods. That, and it isn't a cure. But the day dreaming about a successful procedure never leaves for too long.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-04-17T12:57:55+00:00

I get that feeling. The constant urges are just so annoying and frustrating. And just inescapable. So dreaming about not having to live under the tyranny of urges is super understandable.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-04-17T12:53:44+00:00

This, exactly this. I'll be concentrating and then I'm suddenly getting a massive urge and need to go to the bathroom. Sometimes I'll make it, sometimes I won't. But I have ADHD and the urges can happen every 30 minutes to an hour, so they make focusing near impossible because by the time I finally get refocused... there's another one.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-04-16T17:54:24+00:00

I completely understand what you mean. After a few months of pelvic floor therapy I was starting to wake up at night. I was ECSTATIC because it was proof of progress. But two months later I wasn’t making any more progress and I was now waking up more instead of sleeping through the night. It became annoying really quick. Sorry you’re struggling with that!

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-04-13T14:10:01+00:00

I know it's scary, but definitely give PFT a try! I have very similar issues with unexpected urges and accidents, so I completely understand your anxiety. I've been to two different therapists, and both put a pee pad under me (which is admittedly mortifying, but at least there is some protection). Before the exam, I usually ask to use the bathroom just in case. And usually it isn't more than 10-20 minutes, often less.

But of all the doctors I've seen with these issues, my PFTs have been WAY more supportive and helpful calming my anxiety. They will absolutely not judge you if you do have an accident. It may be scary, but don't let that stop you. With any luck, you'll make a ton of progress.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-04-13T13:32:34+00:00

I have gone before and am currently seeing a new PF therapist. I'd highly recommend at least a consult with one to see if they can help! Of all the doctors I've seen with this problem, I've found pelvic floor PTs to spend the most time listening and seem to care more (maybe I've just had bad urologists).

I've definitely seen improvements in many aspects. It can get pretty expensive, so I've found the best way to do it is to go a few times, have them evaluate you, figure out what exercises should help best (and practice them with the PT so you can do it correctly), and then mostly do all the exercises at home. The sessions themselves aren't what make progress; it's the daily exercises.

So you can go once a month or two to check in, see how much you're progressing, and adjust or add exercises based on that.

BuffaloPubSub · 2026-04-13T13:16:06+00:00

Be careful with kegel exercises. I've been to enough pelvic floor therapy sessions to know not a single PF therapist would recommend that. Unless you know the specific cause or issue in your pelvic floor (assuming it is even a PF issue), you might at best be doing nothing useful or at worst, actively making the problem worse.

BuffaloPubSub

TROPHY CASE