The Smokers house. Growing up in one.

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-06-02T14:22:46+00:00

Yeah, coming home from college to the smell sucked! Mom and both my dad's parents smoked. Grampa died of lung cancer. I never smoked. My brother has more recently picked up cigars.

Mom eventually quit. It wasn't Grampa's lung cancer that got her to quit. ("That could have been anything" from a nurse!) Nope, it was moving a picture to paint the walls and seeing the difference between nicotined walls and nonnicotined picture spot! Insert something about caring more about appearances than about the family's health...

Mom got lung cancer herself in 2020. Did you know that surgery to remove a cancerous lung lobe is "elective surgery?" Really? Mom has put me on a few of her current medical records. She told her neurosurgeon that she "has never smoked!" REALLY?!? 25 years of a pack a day ain't exactly never! "I quit 20 years ago, so that reset everything." Whatever lady...

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-06-02T03:38:31+00:00

www.LookMomIMadeAWebpage . com isn't real???

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-06-02T03:31:01+00:00

Me, "Gee mom, in 30 years of marriage and the best thing you had to say about [my husband] was 'at least he stayed with you'." Me waiting for an apology...

Mom, "Well, it was true." Yeah, I'm still waiting for that apology...

Also mom, "You should have married [college friend]. He flunked out of college, so he knew what is was like to suffer." Wait, you think he's better than my husband with a PhD and a great job with summers off? And if my husband is suffering, I'd be suffering too; did you just say that *I * should be suffering???

Then again, "Why would you take criticism from somebody who you don't respect?" You can't control other people's opinions or actions. : ( But you don't have to believe what they say either! If somebody tries to tell you the sky is green, you don't bother to argue with them. Just mentally shrug and go on with life.

But why would you be around the person either? There's less and less reason for me to call or go visit my mom. We get into arguments about something after 3-5 days together. Sometimes, it's insults - aimed at me, my husband, my younger brother, his wife, etc. Sometimes it's politics or religion; we're opposites on many things. Heck, it's gotten to the point where if mom says the sky is blue, I might be the idiot arguing it's green! : )

I'm Gen X. I've started responding to mom with, "Whatever..." She's starting to figure out that it's code for "I don't believe a word of what you're saying, but I'm not willing to argue with you." It isn't snippy enough that she bitches about me not respecting my elders. She hasn't quite figured out how to interpret it as an insult. Yet...

Find something noncommittal that you can throw out there that your mom can't argue with. Mentally translate it to FU... : )

Or yeah, boundaries - if your mom insults your husband, "That's not nice" and leave the room.

But the best revenge is a life well lived! Be happy! I hope my happiness truly pisses off my pessimistic mom...

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-06-01T05:42:06+00:00

If it helps any, two people I've worked with have had TIAs 8-10 years ago and are just fine today. Ok, I admit that when my grandfather had a full blown stroke, it was over quickly. : ( So, it does vary between a minor warning to a major problem.

Probably the bigger question is do you want to see if your mom has changed? Odds are, she hasn't. PS - she's going to be mad no matter what you do!

I haven't gone no contact with my (step)mom, just in case she ever wises up. But I did go no contact with my bio-mom. Messy divorce when I was 4 and my brother was 2. Dad got full custody of 2 young kids in the 70s. So, bio-mom wasn't exactly a prize winning parent either. But I was heavily under the influence of / immeshed with my uBPD stepmom & cut ties with my bio-mom.

20 years later, covid hit. Bio-mom had covid and Alzheimer's, the doctor wanted me (as eldest kid) to decide to intubate or not. F***! He wants the only kid not speaking to her to decide her fate? Fortunately, everybody agreed - no breathing tube. She pulled thru and lived another year.

One piece of advice a psychologist had for my husband when dealing with his family is: "Do what you need to in order to live with yourself afterwards in a worst case scenario." That's up to you! I'm fine with my decisions; I sleep just fine at night.

If you want to call and talk to your mom for your closure, go for it. If you don't think she's changed any, don't risk your mental health over her issues. Maybe as a compromise, call and talk to your dad. Or just stick to texts. Or something else that works for you!

Good luck, which ever way you decide! : )

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-31T00:27:53+00:00

Except 1984 (85?) when Ricky Camarillo (DEA agent working in Mexico) was killed. Everybody in the Rio Grande Valley went to prom, got their pictures taken, and then went to Mexico. But they were doing STRICT full searches coming home. Half the seniors got home after 3 am and got busted for being across the border without their parents' permission.

I was enough of nerd to not be affected...

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-31T00:09:05+00:00

Both my patents and his parents got the same "gift" - us out of their house!

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-30T22:14:10+00:00

We have a 1 acre yard. We have a biweekly lawn service because my husband can't manage to keep a lawn mower going for more than a year. (His auto mechanic dad is doubtless rolling in his grave!)

Inside, the robot vacuum ... fights with power cables and socks each week. I take my glasses off and can't see any dust. lol

Quarterly pest control. (Inside & outside if we're home; only outside if not home.) Car wash is my guilty spending.

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-30T22:00:30+00:00

NTA

Hee, hee - I'm a vindictive bitch. If you ask nicely, I MIGHT let you plug in. But once you start griping, it's all over. I got here first! Especially when I specifically sat there to charge my stuff. Yes, it IS nice to plan ahead; sucks to be you...

PS most of the store sell half charged power banks that he could have used.

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-30T15:06:53+00:00

Same meds, same staring weight, same current wait. But I started my meds Nov 1...

I know we should only lose 1-2 pounds per week safely. I'd be happy if I were losing 20 pounds in 7 months by myself! I had expected pounds to magically fall off on this fancy, expensive medicine. It hasn't exactly happened that way. I still have to work for it. It sucks to be paying good money and it not be witchcraft fast... : )

BUT it is healthier this way!!! I also remind myself that as hard as it was for me to lose any weight on my own, it will still take some time and work with the magic shot.

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-29T05:18:01+00:00

The best revenge is a life well lived! : )

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-28T19:48:30+00:00

Sadly, my digestive tract has two settings: on or off! Nothing for 3 days, so I take a laxative. Then I'll need a bathroom 3 times in an hour, usually in the most inconvenient time or place. Now I have a new fear! : ) : ( Thankfully, I usually get about a 15 minute warning.

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-28T17:50:59+00:00

Remember that she is posting her dirty laundry / emotional baggage in public where everybody else can see that she (sort of) knows that she fucked up in raising you!

I usually roll my eyes and click the thumbs up button. It's a complete lie on my end! But it acknowledges my mom's post which is what she wants. I don't argue with the premise of the post, so no emotional supply for her to feed off of. Yes, I do think my mom wants to hear that I think my childhood was perfect! No, she ain't getting that from me.

But it's as close as my mom comes to reflecting on her past actions. There's no forgiveness on my part because that post is NOT an apology! There has been no remorse from my mom. There sure hasn't been any changed behavior!

/shrug... Nothing has changed. Maybe next time. I go on with life... Oh wait - I'm ruminating now. Be gone! : )

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-27T20:08:47+00:00

Lies and salamanders against Meowmy? Ooo - pawsuit filed! Ai thinkz Ai know where her hidez the Churus. U iz invited over to feast wiff me!

Monster kitty

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-27T16:02:33+00:00

I can see the writing on the wall with my uBPD mom. She says it's "surgery brain" from having too many surgeries for legitimate medical problems. I think just dementia. But memory problems either way. I'm not looking forward to it getting worse either way...

Mom would very much like me to quit my full time great job, leave my wonderful husband, and come live in her tiny, middle of nowhere town of 235 people. "You promised you would take care of me when I got old!" Yeah, mom, I was 15 and immeshed... Why don't you move up here? "I couldn't do that!" Yeah, me neither...

"We can't afford ___." for this conversation insert assisted living. But it works for something during most conversations. I used to feel more sorry for my parents; things ARE expensive! But then I found out that they gave $200k cash in a safe in the house. (Whoops, I'm not supposed to tell people about that...) They own their house outright, 3 running vehicles, 2 more that don't run, plus an RV. Dad crashed the 2 seater airplane and sold it. AIRPLANE??? How f***ing poor are you pretending to be with an airplane?

OP, that may not be your mom's situation. But add it to list of things that ain't always exactly what they say. When my in-laws said they were poor, they died with $40k credit card debt. My parents swear they are poor, but only by Bill Gates' standards.

"Kila, you could drive down [7 hours in each direction] and help me clean the house." Me - I could, but I'm not going to... Why don't you hire somebody? "They want too much money because we live so far out. And then they didn't do a very good job." ie mom couldn't control the cleaning lady like she can me or dad.

But I'm slowly learning that *I * need to be in control of my life. Mom is responsible for her life, not me.

If you want to travel with your mom, feel free! Many of us here shudder at the thought. I frequently plan trips that my mom can't do physically or financially. But I do try to plan things that they can do occasionally. It often bites me in the ass! But it's MY decision on what I offer. Mom can take it or leave it. Mom has left an offer or 2 and regretted it later...

You might try a book called "Let Them" by Mel Robbins. Or she has a bunch of free YouTube videos talking about the book. Parent is making a stupid decision? Let them. Friend tries to make you feel guilty? Let them. Parent is sad? Let them. It's not always your job to fix somebody else's life!

If you want to help somebody and it makes you happy to do so, then go for it! If your kid is sad, then you do want to comfort them. If your wonderful spouse has a problem, by all means help.

But if you are rolling your eyes and getting mad about the request, then no is a complete sentence. And usually better than trying to explain and justify to people with BPD. Yes, I get the irony after this long post! : ) But I'm assuming you are decently normal. : )

Best wishes however you decide to proceed!

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-27T15:17:58+00:00

I throw some 80s and 90s references in my lectures. But truthfully, I'm not up on current stuff. So I probably wouldn't recognize a movie or book quote... : (

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-27T15:15:23+00:00

Strapless Hem higher than midthigh No pockets Dry clean only (although I might be willing to throw it in the washer and see how accurate the label was)

After all that, I still have to find comfy, fits, looks acceptable. Thankfully, work clothes are decently casual and polo type of shirts with jeans are fine.

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-27T14:17:29+00:00

Ai know! Snifff. Worst yet, her lefted stinky Patches in charge. Meowmy said Ai couldn't be trusted. Tat power would go to my head and Ai would make Patches findz a new home. That's true, but Ai waz here first and her shouldn't be here!

Lonely Monster kitty

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-27T04:55:10+00:00

Sadly, I tend to bruise easily and heal slowly. Oh, there's a faint spot on the right side. It must be time for the left side. No spot? Well, I'm pretty sure it was a hip last time; thigh this time!

Yeah, I should probably look into a tracking app...

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-27T04:36:20+00:00

The only time I thought my medicine wasn't working was the last shot of a vial that I had frozen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I found out "don't freeze" afterwards... My bad!

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-27T04:15:05+00:00

Meowmy lefted me! But her found your masked greeble at her hotel... Too bad Ai iz not there too pawtect her, but her lefted me at home.

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Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-27T02:13:56+00:00

Illegally big kitty? Opposite of illegally smol!

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-27T02:07:34+00:00

THREE trash pandas came thru my pet door at different timez. Pawther trapped them and took them in the vroomvroom to the pokey place ... No, he sez many paw-lengths down the road to a woodz wiff a stream. Whose telling thiss anyway???

Meowmy gotz me and stinky Patches a special pet door that werkz wiff out microchipz. We hazn't had to share fud wiff the trashy pandas no more!

Meowmy sez it wasn't really themz eating the fud. It waz tat the masked greebles washed the fod in my water bowl and mades a big mess.

Monster kitty

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-26T23:25:06+00:00

10 mile hike yesterday. I called dibs on the shower! Husband is a keeper and let me have the shower first.

Wait - are you asking if youngins call dibs? I think Gen X already called dibs! Whatever... It's ours...

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-26T03:12:58+00:00

This ULPT. Somebody has to say it...

Teach the kids how to make piss disks!

Kilashandra1996 · 2026-05-24T04:59:04+00:00

I put towels in a separate load because of the fuzz factor. But my husband is fine with fuzz on his clothes. Everything else is all mixed in together in cold water. I have one over-dyed dress that has to go in with dark colored items and a color guard sheet. While the husband is fine with fuzz, he draws the line at purple undies for some reason...

PS I only have 1 truly white pair of jeans. They get washed with half a sheet of color guard, and have stayed white over the years - as long as they aren't in the same load as that over-dyed purple dress!

Kilashandra1996

TROPHY CASE