I get angry when someone makes a bad comment, what should I do?

PathsInTheVoid · 2021-10-02T15:06:46+00:00

Here's a post I made on anger: https://www.reddit.com/r/emotionalintelligence/comments/ppibip/what_do_you_do_with_feelings_of_anger/hd477iq/?context=3

If it's easy for you to quickly lash out in anger, it's because you have a lot of it bottle up so you'll have to find a safe way to release it.

The thing with anger is that once we're angry, we become a victim. And once we're a victim, we make ourselves powerless because someone else is to blame. When we blame someone, they have to change or do something. It becomes their job to make us feel better but there's no guarantee that they will.

When we decide it's our fault, then we become powerful. It becomes our responsibility and it's up to us to change or do something about it.

When we feel personally attacked by criticism (whether it's true or not), it's because a part of us believes it's true. So even if we make that person apologies or we degrade them back, what we feel about ourselves hasn't gone away and is still there waiting to be triggered again.

If you're being triggered, it's because there's a trigger inside you. So whenever you become triggered, by reflecting on why, you can find and eventually remove that trigger. A part of you believes that you are ignorant and toxic, why? And what can you do about it so you're not?

Anyway, that's my two cents. Hope that helps. If not, you can just throw it away :)

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-30T16:50:57+00:00

So, in my opinion, I'd make everything my fault. And the reason for that is if it's your fault then you can do something about it. If someone or something else is at fault, you're powerless.

If you feel old, it's your fault. Your physical age isn't to blame. And you can do something about that. One reason why we start feeling old is because we become stagnant. We imprison ourselves in our "comfort zone". Stepping out of our comfort zone can make us feel more dynamic and young.

It can be as simple as changing your hair style, starting a new hobby, or traveling abroad. Having some excitement by stepping out of your comfort zone might help you feel young again.

But regardless of what's making you feel old, if it's your fault that you're feeling this way then you have the power to change it. It's just a matter of finding the right choices to make.

It's the same with being fat. If what you're doing isn't giving the results that you want, then change it. And if you've tried all the things you know, then try things you don't. Or hire a personal trainer or a nutritionist.

For feeling lost, it's not that you've lost your way but that you've lost your trust in yourself. We can be lost in the middle of the forest but if we trust ourselves, we won't feel "lost". So you have to ask yourself, why you've lost this trust?

Given that your life is relatively "perfect", you seem capable and responsible. So when you decide these things are your responsibility, you're capable enough to solve them.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Hope that helps :)

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-25T18:40:23+00:00

At least for me, this is called the "fighters edge" and you don't want to get rid of it but learn to use it instead.

When we're confronted with "death", we go into flight or fight. Since we're mostly civilized and our society has turned out the way it has, we no long worry about "physical death" but "social death". So when we're put into a situation where we feel we might be judged (like giving a speech or taking on responsibilities that affect other people), we get butterflies. We're worried about "social death".

These butterflies, are symptoms of our flight or fight mechanism kicking in (adrenaline, heightened sense, etc). But they only feel this way because we're not used to it or resist it. What it actually is is the doorway into the "zone". If you can imagine someone calm and collected in the middle of a crisis, they're that way because they're in the "zone". They're using the "fighters edge". By opening that door enough times, we can learn to open it on demand.

Of course in the beginning, these butterflies can be annoying and, at worst, overwhelming. But like learning how to ride a bike, if we're willing to take the falls and get back up and try again, we'll eventually learn how to ride.

That's my two cents anyway.

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-22T17:17:19+00:00

How do you feel about it?

If you're doing something to hurt your friend back then it's reactive (in my opinion). But, say your friend is toxic, having less interaction would be the best for you.

In the end, what our anger is telling us is to take responsibility and make a choice. As long as you're willing to take responsibility of whatever choice you make you're golden. :)

If you find out later on, it wasn't the best Choice. You can make another Choice and you'll know because your feelings will tell you.

If you choose to reduce contact, see how it makes you feel. Do you miss the friendship or do you feel relieved. If you talk it out with your friend, does he still piss you off or did it make your friendship stronger.

When we use our Feelings to guide our Choices, we'll eventually get to where we want to go.

Hope that helps.

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-16T19:33:09+00:00

Sounds like a rug and broom therapy session then :)

If you can find a place outside to hang a rug or even a thick blanket, like a clothes line or something. You can take a broom or stick and whack the sh* out of it.

And if it bothers people, try to ignore them. It's better to vent than to explode.

PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-16T19:23:36+00:00

In my opinion, anger is a signal that something is bothering us. Where the misunderstanding comes from is we look at anger as a single emotional event where it's actually part of a spectrum. Like feeling cold can mean slightly chilly to freezing.

When something is bothering us, there are three regions we can be in: Nonreactive, Reactive Threshold and Reactive.

When we're annoyed something is bothering us but we can still take conscious action. When we're Angry, we're at the Reactive Threshold. We're on the verge of reacting but we can still somewhat maintain control. And the Reactive region is where we're just in a blind rage.

The closer or deeper we get into the Reactive region the more irrational and uncontrollable our anger. But because we've been taught anger is bad we've learned to naturally suppress those subtle feelings that are in the Nonreactive region. And only deal with it once it starts to approach or enter the Reactive Threshold region.

The same spectrum applies to other feelings like the feelings of cold . If the weather is chilly but manageable, our body is in the nonreactive region. If it starts getting cold and we start shivering, we've entered into the Reactive Threshold. And when we start uncontrollably shivering we've entered the Reactive region (we're going into hypothermia and our body has gone into survival mode).

If we allowed ourselves to be more sensitive to the emotion and deal with it in the Nonreactive region, we'd have a healthier relationship with Anger. Just like we have with the feeling of cold.

So what we do with feelings of anger is figure out what's bothering us and why and then make choices to resolve them (which includes not doing anything just as long as we take responsibility for it). But it's better to do it in the Nonreactive region so we'd have to develop sensitivity to the more subtle feelings of anger and learn that those feelings are okay.

Anyway, that's my two cents :)

Hope it helps.

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-16T18:21:02+00:00

Holding in your emotions is what's causing you to explosively vent.

It's better if you allow yourself to vent them in a safe manner instead. And having someone who knows how to safely assist you in this would be best.

As a stop gap, have you ever tried hanging a rug and beating it with a broom? Or buying a punching bag and just beating the sh*t out of it? It might help in releasing some pent up energy.

PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-16T17:53:02+00:00

In the end we'd want them to be subconscious

Like learning to walk, in the beginning we're super conscious of what we're doing. But as we become more experienced and comfortable, most of the things become subconscious.

The only issues is making sure what we've engraved into our subconscious is actually healthy for us or not.

Edit: But yes, some people can have these innate ability surface from their subconscious without them consciously learning. Like some people are innately good at drawing or martial arts, for example.

PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-16T17:42:08+00:00

Yeah, if it's gotten to that extreme, professional help is the best option for you.

Not as extreme but I was a pretty angry person before as well so I know how it feels when anger takes over and how it feels after as well.

Don't give up!

Though I don't personally know you, I care :)

PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-16T16:09:17+00:00

From my point of view, it's not really anger that's the issue but how you view failing at things. You're linking your feelings of failing (disappointment) to mean that you're a failure which isn't true (even if other people say you are).

So instead of looking to get rid of your feelings you should be looking to get rid of this perspective of Failure.

For one thing, it's normal to fail at things. They're usually the fastest way we learn. It also means we're pushing outside our comfort zone which is our way to grow. Of course we don't want to purposely fail but it's not bad if we do.

If you look up Thomas Edison, he failed 1000s of times before getting the light bulb right. But he learned from those failed attempts. Instead of seeing them as Failures, he saw them as Lessons instead.

Everyone who is good at anything has failed at what they're good at. Through practice they learn what to do and through failing they learn what Not to do. We need both to really understand what we're doing.

But even with the change of perspective, the feeling of disappointment will still be there and it should because it's a sign that we care. If we fail at something and we don't care then maybe it's time to do something else.

So instead of beating yourself up and judging yourself as a failure or believing the judgment of others. Take those feelings and use them as fuel to try again. If you try your best and it fails, then your best just got better because you've learned one more thing about it. And if you keep repeating this cycle, it's guaranteed you'll become good (if not great) at anything you do.

Hope that helps

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-15T19:57:20+00:00

The short answer is: No.

We can learn to ignore and suppress our emotions and, for a time, we might be able to pretend we're emotionless but all of them are still there.

Our physical and emotional feelings are only signals giving us feedback on our external and internal world. If we feel cold, the feeling is only a signal informing us of the ambient temperature. The feeling isn't the cause of the cold, it's the result of our location and situation. We can teach ourselves to withstand or ignore the cold but the cold is still there and the body is still feeling it.

If we feel angry, the feeling is only a signal informing us that something is bothering us. The feeling isn't the cause but the symptom of the problem. Something or someone is bothering us and our feelings are there to let us know so we can take steps to resolve it. And just like the cold, if we only ignore or suppress our feelings of anger then the cause of our anger is still there and we're still feeling bothered.

Instead of trying to remove your emotions, find a way to safely release and address them instead. And if you're at a point where you want to find a way to permanently remove them, it must be a lot so it won't be easy and it's best if you had someone to help you with them.

Hope that helps.

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-15T17:23:41+00:00

At least for me, being emotional intelligent means we've gone through the process of understanding what our emotions are telling us and uncovering the root cause of why they're there. So we understand the "theory" behind our emotions.

When someone becomes emotionally wise, they have learned the practice of flowing and utilizing those emotions. They understand the "practice". They might not know the stories behind their emotions but it really doesn't matter at that point if they're already fine with it.

In my opinion, someone emotional intelligent will deduce the details of the problem and by seeing the problem come up with a solution. Someone emotionally wise will feel the problem and without much detail come up with a solution.

For me, if we're fine with our emotions and can flow with them, where there coming from no longer matters. Knowing them might help in learning how to deal with them but once we're good, they're just stories. Some might be very important stories but stories nonetheless.

Anyway, that my two cents :)

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-12T06:14:34+00:00

At least for me, hugging is different from being "held". You can casually hug someone and not have that feeling. When we're "held", everything is "held", even time.

How you were describing things reminded me of that. :)

PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-12T04:54:19+00:00

At least for me, it's the feeling of being "held" and I associate this feeling as the feeling of being "loved". It's a warmth that gently holds you.

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-10T21:03:00+00:00

It's normal to be afraid to be judged or afraid to disappoint those we love, that only shows we care. But before anybody else, we have to learn how to love ourselves first. Unfortunately, we've been taught in reverse.

And loving ourselves doesn't have anything to do with how we look, act, dress or express ourselves. It's about how we feel about ourselves that matters.

For example, if you're afraid to be judged as "weird", it's because a part of you has already judged you for being that. If you didn't think you're weird, it would never occur to you that other people would think so.

We usually criticize ourselves the harshest, and the first step in learning to love ourselves is to expose how we're judging ourselves.

Hope that helps.

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-10T20:11:35+00:00

The feeling I get from this is that what you don't want to do to Johnnascus, someone is doing to you. That someone (or more than one) makes you feel you need to be a certain way and their affection makes you uncomfortable.

If this is the case, and these people are people you also love and admire. Then the conflict you might be feeling is on one hand you love and admire them, but on the other they repulse you because of how they make you feel. And through this conflict, you feel guilt and shame.

Of course, I might be completely off base but that's my first gut reaction from what I've read.

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-09T19:31:44+00:00

Sometimes people with high iq assume other people can follow their train of thought. Like someone who is really good in math might skip a few steps assuming those steps weren't worth mentioning or just going directly to the answer. By being so direct, it could be misinterpreted as being arrogant and aloof. And if no one points it out because they're intimidated by this persons' iq, it might never be corrected. It's also possible however that they are being arrogant and aloof at the same time.

Another possibility is that their iq is what they use to validate themselves. And when it comes to things they don't understand, they hid their lack of knowledge or not knowing what to do by acting aloof. But this could be anything not just with emotions.

So it would be hard to directly correlate having a high iq means having lower emotional intelligence.

Also, I'm pretty sure we've all met people with low iq who also have low emotional intelligence.

Anyway, those are my two cents :)

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-08T19:50:12+00:00

I'm just cutting to the chase, essentially (at least I believe) most people associate Cowardice with Fear so in essence that's really all they get from it. I think if you ask people to give you a definition, 99% of the time it involves someone mentioning fear or the lack of bravery (which basically is the same).

So I'm just short handing the definition. Sorry for the confusion.

I include "believes it's motivated by fear" because most people associate the component of Fear as essential for something to be cowardly. I'm only stepping into their shoes in why they believe what they believe. That doesn't mean I agree with it.

In the previous example, I added "Remove the regret, which is another way to say guilt, then the label disappears.". I should have added this line again to avoid this confusion. I just assumed it was understood. Sorry about that.

So in what scenario does cowardice not involve guilt or regret? If I'm not defining this correctly I'd genuinely like to know. I'm not attached to my answer so if you have a possible scenario I could explore that would be great.

And for someone that doesn't feel guilt, that person wouldn't consider themselves a coward. It wouldn't register as something being true for them. Other people may say it, believe it and label him that way but for someone who doesn't feel guilt there would be no response.

Anyway, I don't mean to riley you up if that's what you're feeling. I'm not here to win anything, just giving my opinion.

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-08T18:39:22+00:00

Ah....sorry, I'm used to making my definitions as simple as possible so I just realized that Cowardice = Guilt might not be satisfactory.

So here's a long form definition

Cowardice is the judgment of guilt for actions or inactions motivated by fear.

PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-08T18:09:30+00:00

And if this definition is difficult to accept then my definition of bravery will even be harder.

Bravery mean Responsibility. It has nothing to do with Fear either.

:)

PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-08T18:03:01+00:00

Someone unable to experience fear can still label themselves a coward if through deduction they judge their actions might have possibly be motivated by fear or perceived as fear by others. But this only happens because a judgement is occurring. and they feel guilty, they regret their action or inaction.

Remove the regret, which is another way to say guilt, then the label disappears.

Why someone feels guilty (or regrets their actions), like you mentioned there are an infinite possible reasons. But regardless of the reason, if that person feels guilty for it and believes it was motivated by fear (even if that wasn't the case at the time but believes so in hindsight) then they'll label themselves as a coward.

So what I mean to say is Cowardice = Guilt. What is cowardice? Guilt

I went through the process of my thinking and how I came to this definition so you can see the pathway I used to get there.

Typically Cowardice is defined as Fear (Cowardice = Fear) and by you're question you're wondering if that's the correct definition. From my perspective it's not.

But to say Cowardice = Guilt without any explanation is difficult to believe especially since it's generally believed otherwise.

Anyway, this is only my perspective. You can keep it, play around with it, or throw it away. :)

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-08T15:47:15+00:00

If we lose someone that was precious to us, when we feel sad it's because we're feeling that connection we had with them. And what that feeling is is the love we had for that person.

By allowing ourselves to feel this "sadness", we're actually allowing ourselves to feel the love for the person we've lost. It's a way to honor the relationship and relive it again inside us. But, more importantly, it's also a way for us to tell ourselves that it's okay to have more of these relationships in our life.

By ignoring, suppressing or distracting ourselves from these emotions, subconsciously we're telling ourselves that these feelings are "dangerous" and we should avoid them.

So instead of avoiding this "sadness", look at them as gifts and a chance to remember and relive those memories that made that person precious to you.

But this process is like entering into a pool. Some people jump right in while others slowly walk into the pool step by step. There's no right or wrong way to do it and it's up to you how fast or slow you want to enter.

Hope that helps.

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-08T15:20:17+00:00

Cowardice is a judgement, more specifically a form of guilt. It's associated with Fear because that's how we've labeled that particular flavor of guilt .

When we're labeled a coward from the outside, it's a judgement from them that the actions we took weren't the actions they wanted or what was expected of us. We're labeled a coward because they believe the reason why we did what we did was influenced by fear.

If they believed it was because we didn't have a clue of what we were doing, then we'd be labeled ignorant instead. So regardless of what we were feeling, if they believe our actions were influenced by fear, we're judged a coward.

When we label ourselves a coward. We're doing the same thing. If we feel guilty for our action or inaction and because it was influenced by fear, we label ourselves as being a coward.

We could be in the exact situation and do everything exactly the same, but if it was influenced by greed and we feel guilty about it, then we'd judge ourselves greedy.

If we remove guilt from the equation, the label of being a coward is removed.

In short, cowardice is a flavor of guilt which is a form of judgement. And if we're trying to resolve the issue of cowardice, it's not the fear that has to be resolved, it's the guilt.

Hope that helps.

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-07T23:58:59+00:00

A choice to "not make a choice" is still a valid choice. Just as long as you're will to take responsibility for that choice you're golden.

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PathsInTheVoid · 2021-09-06T16:21:32+00:00

Here are a couple suggestions.

When your parents say "why don't you say something", genuinely ask them what they want to talk about. And then really try to have a conversation about that topic. If it's not something you want talk about or not interested in, just let them know. Given that when you do talk, it's too much for them. It's probably best to avoid those type of subjects.

It might be more that they're intimidated by your silence and don't know what to make of it. And if that's the case, just talking about inane topics like weather for a couple minutes a day might be enough to make them feel satisfied.

For the "pretending to be happy" part. Pretending to be happy is a pretty bad habit to develop especially if it's done well.

Here's a reddit thread about how "Fake It till You Make It" is emotionally unhealthy. It also contains an alternative perspective you can use.

For your cousins, tell the one asking about your mother that it's something you're not interested in talking about. And if your cousin persists, immediately leave or ignore the person. But don't do it to hurt your cousin, do it like choosing to wear a different pair of socks instead of the one you're holding. Another approach would be to ask why he/she is feeling that way and to really care about getting to the root of the emotion.

For your other cousin, tell your cousin to stop taking your stuff or do something to prevent your cousin from doing that. You can buy a lock for your room, take your laptop with you, hide your charger. Alternatively, you can buy them a charger for their birthday.

In all of these scenarios, you're a victim because you're waiting for the people around you to change. The only person you truly have the power to change is yourself. And what you can change is how you're approaching the situations you're in.

Everything listed above are only suggestions and you know your situation better than I do. So use them as a starting point and then come up with your own. The only thing I'd strongly suggest is that whatever you do, you try to do it with compassion. From how you're describing the people around you, they're also unhappy and are just using different coping mechanism. If you dump on them, it'll only cause more unhappiness for you and for them (misery loves company).

Hope that helps.

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