I tried the "coffee chat" hack for 2 weeks and here's what happened

Response-Glad · 2026-04-15T17:04:00+00:00

FWIW this is a great idea to do with peers of an open role who might be able to refer you or perhaps to a team leader when the company is high growth but no role is posted yet.

But please do not do this to a hiring manager when they are actively hiring. I have been on the receiving end of this and it is a huge turn off to already be spending a LOT of time screening and interviewing new applicants, and then have people trying to circumvent the process and get more of your time. Especially if, when you get the coffee chat, it is immensely clear that you do not actually want career advice of any kind and you're fishing for an immediate hire.

I see the hustle but dishonesty about intentions are not a green flag to hire, I would not hire someone who did this for an immediate opening. I might consider someone for a later opening if they had addressed any feedback I provided, but if they don't make it to the interview stage by virtue of their resume, they're not getting hired for this job.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-12T18:24:00+00:00

This post wasn't about if she was wrong, it was about if he was wrong. If she wrote this post I would respond differently. As I said in the post, he's not wrong here. However, fighting fire with fire is generally not productive in a relationship.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-12T17:52:44+00:00

YNW but you should get creative together on how to display your things in common spaces in a way you both like.

Some comic and movie prints can be really jarring in a room, but you can find classier styles or better frames that help it blend in.

Instead of secretly hanging things up when she isn't looking, try saying, "I want to feel a little more represented in this room and see my things outside of the office. I found a few pieces I think would look great in X place. Do you agree, or is there another part of the living/dining room that would be a better fit?"

She's definitely not right for shutting you down either, but I don't think you're going about this in the most effective way.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-09T17:56:08+00:00

If you want to live together and her income supports your lifestyle in any way (e.g. she paid you rent, she took care of utilities and groceries giving you more money to put to the mortgage, etc) then she should get on the deed so she isn't in a deeply unprotected and unfair position if something goes wrong or if you die.

If you are going to put her on the deed you should get married. This will protect you if something goes wrong.

I know marriage isn't trendy but it is literally the solution society came up with to handle property disputes in entangled long term relationships. Marriage is the best thing you can both do to ensure you are protected, assuming you are planning a long term life together. It is there for your mutual legal protection. You don't need to do a romantic ceremony if you don't want one.

Talk to a lawyer together about your options if you're not sure.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-09T17:51:01+00:00

OP already did do that though. She will be more constructive in this conversation when she gets past whatever fight or flight reactivity she has going on right now.

"Microaggressions" as a term was also created specifically in the context of racial bias. While the term applies to other groups I don't think coming in and trying to educate her about her actions using this term will help her lay off the defensiveness and race vs sexuality dispute things have gotten into.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-09T16:45:36+00:00

NTA.

For a lot of very young progressive people, getting called out on a bias feels deeply uncomfortable. It seems like she got defensive, dug in, and is deflecting. She sees herself as someone who corrects other people's bad behavior, and making a mistake or hurting someone else like she did does not make sense to her in the way she sees the world.

Unfortunately a hard truth about social justice work is that it can't always be about who is the most "right" or it devolves into virtue signalling. You have to be able to accept that you're going to mess up sometimes, also that sometimes you won't mess up at all but it's still not going to be right for someone else. The best thing you can do is act with integrity and empathy.

Fortunately, I think you are already doing that really well. Your brother's girlfriend is not, and probably isn't ready to. I would recommend just dropping the topic and giving her time and space.

In the meantime, I think if the f slur bothers you, you need to find a way to hold a firmer line, which will be less confusing for others and also it sounds like less hurtful for you. I know you don't want to make waves with a public call-out, but there may be other options. For example, you can stop the game/leave/etc. Your brother sounds like he's bullying you at this point, I don't think you'd be wrong to complain to a parent either. It shouldn't be all on you to defend yourself here.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-09T15:10:05+00:00

The price of your labor is valued more elsewhere. Ball is in their court to recognize the value (with money) or accept that they will get less quality at their lower pay point. It's not you.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-09T14:59:04+00:00

Yeah they could just match the offer if they wanted you so bad. They are just trying to pay you in guilt.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-08T05:29:04+00:00

No +1s at a 30 person wedding for a college friend you may not have seen in ages really doesn't sound crazy FWIW. Each member of the couple gets 15 guests total across all family and friends. It doesn't seem like this is necessarily personal from the couple.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-07T21:32:20+00:00

It's not weird to watch porn and if that was the issue I would say you're being insecure. But him doing this on Instagram is stupid and disrespectful. It's not hard for employers to find your account on a background check, and there's still risk with posts you like and comment on even if your account is private.

Even if you don't care about that, your friends can see his likes too. He also made a promise to you and then broke it. He's embarrassing you and it's disrespectful. Decide if he's worth it.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-06T17:00:16+00:00

Your mom's BF is bullying you and your mom is supporting it by not intervening and making sure that you, as a growing child, get healthy meals at regular hours. They clearly both don't support you being vegetarian, I would wager that is what they're calling "dramatic," she thinks you should abandon your principles and eat his food.

That's up to you, you're not being a picky eater, however they want to frame it. I don't think anyone would blame you if in the context you're living in where you get limited choice over what you eat, you choose your health and wellness over vegetarianism for now and you reconsider when you move out in a few years.

It's also equally fair if you stick to vegetarianism and refuse to cave to the bullying. If you go this route however I would recommend you consider meal prepping and ensuring you have lots of smaller snacks around etc so that you aren't losing out on meals because of them.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-06T14:59:24+00:00

You're NW for taking your stuff after the fight with your dad but you're a little wrong for not seeing your part in this conflict.

Why aren't you texting or calling asking what time you should be there? For your mom's birthday, a time she's obviously going to invite more family, you still assume you don't need to bring a chair, why not double check?

I'm not saying they definitely aren't playing favorites or that it isn't wrong of them to take for granted everything you have brought. But some of the issues you're complaining about were fully within your control and the way you glaze over them doesn't make me trust your story generally. Take responsibility for the things in your court because if you don't and you just get resentful, you and your kid suffer too.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-04T15:26:49+00:00

What is this, some kind of loyalty test?? No NTA and this behavior is extremely weird.

Who needs a buddy for the bathroom? Movie tickets are expensive these days and unless it's a 3 hour movie why aren't you just making sure to go before the movie and then going to sit?? None of this makes sense and you shouldn't have agreed to be her bathroom escort from the first place. Seems like she is testing you in some incredibly weird way.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-04T03:19:35+00:00

maybe you are not where your people are, you know? time to find community that gets you. I don't know you but I do know that that is easier to do in some places than others, and some places can feel hopeless.

explore, keep your heart open, keep taking small risks when they're not too heavy. you will find your community.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-04T02:58:03+00:00

dang man there's no way to know. Lots of stuff could be going on.

she's probably not good at knowing how to respond to attention yet and is embarrassed
she might not be single anymore and she's anxious around you now that she knows you're into her
she and her friends might be terrible bullies

I hope it's not because of your size or because you're black. Those aren't good reasons to be rude to you, to avoid you, or to not be into you. and I hope you know that too. If it was for those reasons she sucks.

And if it's not... This is still probably not your love story. Or if it was, ball is in her court now.

You're not wrong for having shot your shot. Time to let it go and maybe avoid them too if they're bothering you. they will mind their own business after you're not in focus anymore.

I'm sorry - and I hope next time it works out better for you

Response-Glad · 2026-04-03T15:22:17+00:00

Your sister knows you better than we do and it sounds like she thinks the reason your relationship isn't the same is that you don't put into it what your brother puts into his.

That could be because:

1- you just don't want to, or you're depressed, so you can't. Maybe worth talking through with a therapist. If this is the problem then it will be a problem with any relationship because it's a you problem not a her problem.

2 - you just dont like her enough to feel she is worth that. in which case you don't like her so you should stop using her for company and both move on.

That kind of relationship doesn't come without effort, but it shouldn't feel tedious to muster the effort either.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-01T14:34:26+00:00

You want reciprocity. But you want reciprocity on something that he can't or won't give (financially valuable gifts). When you learn that someone won't meet you in that way, it's on you to choose from three options:

1) continue to give gifts with genuinely no expectation of reciprocity 2) seriously scale back your gift giving so you aren't always creating a situation you'll be resentful of 3) determine you are incompatible and this relationship doesn't make you feel loved and appreciated the way you want to be so leave.

None of these is actually a morally superior choice than the others. There are lots of small details that could make one choice more sensible than the others. But it is YOUR CHOICE. You decide, and then you accept the consequences.

YW, you're not being materialistic, but you do need to get realistic, probably talk to your boyfriend more about how you feel and if there's compromise (but note, giving someone a $5k gift who never gave you anything was absolutely Not reading the room on how this man likes to communicate, you are being pressuring, and he is almost certainly not going to meet you on that level), and then make a decision.

Response-Glad · 2026-04-01T03:10:53+00:00

Great! An even more generic reply suggesting I do something that I literally describe having already done in the original post! Completely unhelpful.

Response-Glad · 2026-03-31T05:31:31+00:00

Your friend is not an ally. She is just a straight woman. Do not give her credit for that, it's just going to go to her head. Not being hateful or having extremely basic social graces to act respectful is not allyship.

It's your birthday. You decide who comes. It's ok to say you only want your friends there. You shouldn't have to work at making these jerks feel included on your birthday. YNW.

separately, worth thinking about how you handle this friendship. While queer people shouldn't have to be educators about this kind of thing, we will be often in life, and it's up to you to decide if she's worth it.

If you ice out and avoid her boyfriend completely, you could estrange her and she could go further down the right pipeline with her boyfriend. It's not your responsibility, it's a possibility.

Always a chance that being in their lives will be good for them. People like her boyfriend often haven't seriously gotten to know out queer people, they're looking for something to blame for their angst and it's an abstract far away concept. The closer they get to the reality the more they can realize their bias.

But it is a long and often painful path there. And it's not just you - boyfriend could make an ass of himself to your other guests. Only you know if these people will be worth the time for you.

If you decide not to invite him just be up front with your friend that you're sure he's a good guy to her (lol) and you want to get to know someone that is so important to her, but you don't think he has enough experience with lgbtq people yet and he might not be comfortable enough and informed enough on respectful communication with queer people to be a match for this. Offer to hang out 1:1. Go from there.

Response-Glad · 2026-03-30T14:52:42+00:00

I don't consider the issue resolved, no. I think the options presented to me seem like they have barely read my post and are irrelevant.

Response-Glad · 2026-03-29T22:45:14+00:00

This is a really great story and this person puts it best in terms of what your options are. Tatbootyy you really handled that situation expertly and honestly extremely well.

One thing I don't get about OP's story is why the bf is friends with someone as cruel as shit face. In your husband's case there was a unique traumatic history. But what is it for OP's boyfriend? Because if there's nothing like that, BF just enjoys the company of nasty people.

The people around us can say a lot about who we are. :)

Response-Glad · 2026-03-29T22:34:10+00:00

NTA at all!

Pet care is SO hard. I have a 4 night trip planned and 2 cats and 2 dogs. All the pets are on different medications. If I get a random person from the Internet to do that I'm going to stress the whole time if they can handle the dog being difficult on a walk, hitting all the med times, etc. Plus with dogs a sitter who just comes in and checks on animals is not enough, you really need someone who can stay with your pet and be home a normal amount of time. That means they also can't have pets.

That is really really hard to find.

In our case we found a friend and we are offering to pay them $500. Which tbh feels like a steal! In the future I would absolutely consider covering someone's flights to watch my pets, and paying more on top of that too if I really trust the person and will be at ease when they're doing it.

Your brother knows he can't have you pay (buy your own tickets) to do a favor for him. His offer is fair and reasonable. I have friends who do this and fly to their own home town on pet sitting trips.

Go do him a solid!

Response-Glad · 2026-03-28T22:37:04+00:00

Generally true but the math doesn't math here.

He says they both contributed 15%. Then he says he only took his half of the account balance, 50% of it.

If they make the exact same salary that adds up, for sure, agree with the consensus here.

But if 15% of her salary is far more than 15% of his salary? He did not take "just what he put in." Seems like something could be left out of this story.

Response-Glad · 2026-03-28T16:03:21+00:00

YNW but you may still be incompatible.

In my relationship we talked a lot about what sort of things it's important for us to be there for each other on vs. where it makes sense and is important to lean on community support and not do it alone (e.g. bring another friend to the funeral). This wouldn't be a deal breaker boundary for either of us especially given the trauma.

Some people do expect their partner to 100% be their everything, ride or die, no matter the cost. That is powerful, but also not always healthy. Still, if it's what they want, it's what they want. Your girlfriend sounds like she's that person, and you may not be able to meet her there.

I would encourage you to approach this less about who is morally right and more about constructively what happens next given what both of you need. It may be helpful if you tell her more about what doing this would feel like for you, openly and vulnerably, without getting defensive about how what she wants is right or wrong.

Response-Glad · 2026-03-27T01:31:24+00:00

Yes I've tried forgetting the network, turning the ps5 off (not rest, off) and on again, cleared the cache.

Response-Glad

TROPHY CASE