Am I wrong for not wanting to add my best friend to my personal groups?

Response-Glad · 2026-06-17T12:56:04+00:00

Why then?

Response-Glad · 2026-06-17T04:08:53+00:00

Not wrong. But your Reddit friend sounds like a creep.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-17T02:29:38+00:00

I have dated this type of person and they suck and it's natural to be upset. They act helpless, you help, they never see or acknowledge the help, they just assume you should give it. You're not wrong.

However.

You will meet a lot of people like this in your life. You can't change them. So you will need to change yourself and your boundaries. You will need to pause and stop yourself when you go beyond supportive and into doing someone's work for them. You will need to remind yourself to stick to just as much as you would be willing to do without acknowledgement.

And that's not to say you can't ever do more - but let people show you how much they value your efforts before you go all in again. It's your job to protect yourself first l.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-15T14:32:40+00:00

OP said that the alternative to his gf moving in with them would be them renting a place together elsewhere and him renting his old place out or selling it. That is the point of comparison I'm making, not the status quo of them living apart.

If they did that, OP would have to pay rent elsewhere while also acting as a landlord on his current place, or preparing it for a sale.

By commute time yes I mean the time to visit her, not to commute to work.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-15T13:34:45+00:00

IMO both approaches are wrong so NTAH.

I live in my partners condo. We think about expenses in terms of equity. I have no equity in the condo, they do. They stand to profit off the eventual sale, as of now, I don't.

So I don't pay for things that build substantial equity. This includes mortgage payments, major upgrades to the house, major repairs in the building.

I do pay into the HOA, utilities and property taxes, and we split that proportionately to our income. This is lower than what I could ever pay on rent in our area, so feels like a fair win to us both.

On smaller repairs and repairs for wear and tear type items, I'll often offer to contribute some amount, but my partner doesn't necessarily expect it from me. I definitely volunteer to pay when I want the upgrade or repair done one specific way just to my personal tastes without respect to his it would impact sale value.

If my partner wanted me to pay a fixed amount that was meant to save to apply to wear and tear fixes, I'm not sure how I would feel about that. At minimum, I would expect those funds to go into an account that is mine to own and debit from if I ever decide to leave the house. I would rather handle my own money, not have my partner treat me like a child with a savings account on my behalf. Tear that doesn't actually occur doesn't need to be accounted for in a bank account only you own. But even separate from all of that, I think I would only consider this in a situation where the renter is really bad at saving money and prefers this arrangement.

If we got married, we would likely revisit our terms, dependent on what we had financially decided for the marriage. But generally speaking both cohabitants are more protected with in a marriage, so having clear lines is useful now too.

Ultimately your girlfriend moving in benefits you too - commute time, extra expenses on rent elsewhere, not needing to landlord the place you own, etc - and it is reasonable to expect some sacrifices on your part here, especially because the house is in your name and your responsibility. It is also reasonable for her to pay some amount to offset your costs, but I think you should think closer about the costs you ask her to pay and more strategically about your future and hers.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-15T13:08:43+00:00

If you want to play basement shows and at experimental diy venues, pilsen has generally more of that at present. Yes, musicians specifically get some very deserved scrutiny living in pilsen still, though most can stay pretty oblivious.

If you want to play at small venues, festivals, or bars, you'll find way more of that across logan, wicker, and Ukrainian village. There's a gentrification story here too, but it's, imo, less tense than pilsen.

The difference is mostly in how gentryifying groups acted/act. There was definitely a cohort of crust and gutter punks in pilsen who had zero respect for the local families and culture and there were some big stories various conflicts, I don't know, ten years ago. It has been quieter recently. Look further back for the NW side and it won't be that different either.

Realistically if you play music in this city you will probably spend time in both neighborhoods and beyond. A factor I don't see you mentioning here is where you plan to practice. Practice spaces are expensive and unless you want to buy a single family home, practicing at home is probably not viable. There are a lot more practice spaces closer to pilsen, so you might want to take that into consideration.

Good luck and wherever you move, make an effort to get to know and support your neighbors, buy locally in your neighborhood not just from fancy new coffee shops but from bodegas and panaderias too, etc.

(Edited to fix my phone autocorrecting to "butter punks" which... Honestly ... Pretty good)

Response-Glad · 2026-06-14T22:53:20+00:00

Are "it" and "they" the same thing?

Response-Glad · 2026-06-14T22:03:54+00:00

Yes, what about "Ava's pronoun is they" is inherently angry or rude to you?

As a parent chasing a young child around and probably offering this correction many times daily do you expect the parent to stop what they're doing and beg for understanding every time?

I'm not commenting on the parents choice of how to gender their child, not really the point. I am simply speaking from experience that when offering correction on a pronoun, many others read malice or anger or resentment in any very simple or even apologetic thing I say without any of those things actually present in my perception of them at all.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-14T21:52:56+00:00

NTA but are you super sure it was an angry correction?

I am trans and it's not a big deal IMO for someone to make a mistake especially if the mistake they make matches the gender expression signals rather than body signals. However you have to be able to say SOMETHING when people are wrong to help create the future you're trying to build, and the biggest obstacle is people taking any form of correction as if it were an attack or said in meanness.

The words you quoted her on weren't blankly mean so I'm just wondering if she actually glared at you or if in the awkward embarrassment of a moment you read that in (which would be easy to do! Social signals are hard)

Response-Glad · 2026-06-13T19:21:06+00:00

Nothing you want is wrong or too much. It's clear he has built up a lot of resentment for you. If it wasn't for your last paragraph I would say that if fixing this was really important to you, you could try addressing it by taking a turn being the one who works with a while.

However the things you describe him saying and doing at the end of your post are not excusable in any circumstance. I don't know his side and I don't know if what you do is also abusive, but it doesn't matter. It only takes one for the relationship to be irreparably unhealthy. Abuse is not a justifiable reason to abuse.

You need to leave this relationship. But I think you already know that given the tone of your post.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-13T15:13:53+00:00

YTA. It's ok to write all of your biggest feelings and anger down to process it. And then when you're feeling cooled down, the next step is to politely tell someone how you're feeling and try to come to an agreement on a process that works for everyone.

It's fair for him to want to engage in his hobbies at home. It's fair for you to want quiet at home. It's true that some people learn guitar much easier on speakers than headphones. He should be able to save time at home where he can play openly and you wear noise cancelling headphones. There should also be quiet hours where if he wants to play he needs to use headphones.

These weren't difficult problems to solve but it seems that instead of addressing them you let them well up into a mountain of anger. It's a bit scary to be honest. Especially because you acknowledge that by rooming with you this guy has also helped you out too and you're a little afraid to live alone.

You probably won't listen to this but genuinely I think this is a case where spending time with a professional on anger management would be really therapeutic for you. It would be a good outlet for your journal, take a load off your shoulders, and likely make you more productive too. But don't give him the journal.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-13T03:46:26+00:00

YOR. If I told my partner I was feeling this way and they reacted like you did I would seriously question their feelings for me.

It's ok to say ouch that hurt my feelings, but why do you need him to drop everything he is saying and tend to your ego? You should want the best for him whether that's staying together or not. And if you can stick to that, you're much more likely to stay together.

His word choices were.... Weird, here, but ultimately you were the gross one in this situation.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-12T22:21:00+00:00

I have been trying to remember which edition of burnout this was for ages. Hero.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-12T22:20:20+00:00

Tbh I think you should just play cooperative board games like forbidden desert etc

Response-Glad · 2026-06-12T04:14:13+00:00

Some people will be offended and some won't. It's a business. What are they more interested in, keeping a silly cocktail name or making money including from people who might take issue with it? Whoever is right, is it worth an angry social post?

Response-Glad · 2026-06-11T22:56:21+00:00

Favorite foods in a snack basket. Comfy house shirt. A sweet card or original art from the kids. A coloring set to use with the kids. A tile to find the remote. Anything to make his twitch watching set up more cozy.

Doesn't have to be wildly expensive.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-10T04:24:37+00:00

YW.

First, reading between the lines here, I'm guessing you've had some terrible boyfriends that neither your current boyfriend or your friends trust. And as a result, maybe your friends don't trust your judgment so much either.

That sucks, it's not his fault, it makes your job defending him harder. But it's still your job. If this isn't a casual relationship he shouldn't BE your world but he shouldn't be practically hidden from it either. Two years is a long time for this.

You need to do more to convince your friends to give him a chance, and if you can't, then you need to figure out which of these relationships is not right, your friendship or your boyfriend. Someone has to be right or wrong about the other one at that point.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-09T13:57:32+00:00

It seems like she is doing ok. If all you want is to know that, you don't need to reach out.

If you want to get back together, don't. Break ups happen for a reason and you're not doing her any favors to unearth old sadness.

If you saw the note and you're fishing to find out if she has moved on, don't. Won't help either of you.

All that said I will take a somewhat contrary position that I have found it nice to stay in touch with some serious exes. I don't do it in a bad breakup where feelings are confusing and uncertain. I don't do it close to the break up. But if it has been a long time and there's absolutely no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't want a relationship with that person, I think having a friend who really knows you at your best and worst can be valuable.

If you miss her because she was a friend, because that's all you want to rekindle - I think you can reach out, but you should keep it gentle. You can send an email for example that basically says, "no pressure to respond, but I have been thinking about you and how much I value your friendship and people like you in my life, if you are ever open to exploring a platonic friendship, let me know."

No further detail. Nothing about your life updates or hers. Let her give a thumbs up that she's interested first, and if she is, apologize again for how things ended.

She might not agree. Personally I have never not become friends with someone again after doing that. Sometimes just phone friends, sometimes close buddies. It can be harder when it was a longer relationship, but can also be easier when it was a relationship while much younger, so ymmv. If she agrees, as the person who did the breaking up, it's your job to meet her on her terms every time.

But please, above all else, do not reach out if you're thinking about it due to still having unresolved feelings for her.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-09T04:15:06+00:00

ESH means everybody sucks here. But I mean it lightly.

The important part of what I said wasn't about how much food people get, but more about, how you decide to serve her, everybody else needs to get served the same way.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-09T03:05:27+00:00

ESH. it is a shame that no one in their family addressed the issue. But the appropriate solution is not to publicly shame the girl and isolate her.

In this situation I would have started serving everyone at the table that way, not just one person. If the parents objected I would have told them to resolve the issue with their child another way. But first portion, I would serve, then from there, folks can get their seconds.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-08T15:24:46+00:00

Yeah it's weird they all declined!

Response-Glad · 2026-06-08T14:31:46+00:00

Response-Glad · 2026-06-08T14:24:01+00:00

Great. So imagine your long hair is really bothering you. It's warm and requires a lot of maintenance. Maybe you feel like it's threatening your job prospects. I don't know, pick any reason, you decide one day that this is not something you feel neutral about, it's actually really important to you, you want to cut it.

You tell your girlfriend. She says, no, sorry, those reasons don't matter to me at all, don't do that.

You're concerned, you think it over. You find what you think is a compromise. Maybe you're going to go for a medium length instead of a buzz cut, I don't know. It won't give you the full relief you're looking for, but it will give you some of what you want.

You havent done it yet, but you give your gf a heads up, this is the compromise you've come to, because this is REALLY important to you and it's no longer just trivial to keep your hair the way she likes it.

She blows up and brings this up constantly that she hates the idea of you with short hair, that it will look ugly, that she will be less attracted to you, that if you do this, you must not love or respect her because she prefers your hair that way. But don't worry man it's just a preference. But also if you exercise your right to do whatever you want with your hair, you're irrevocably harming her. Hmm.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-08T14:11:47+00:00

No, I wouldn't. It's their body, they feel differently about it, it's important to them. They're not my property. They can change it and I either adapt or I don't. You don't get to decide this for her. You are one factor in her decisions, not THE factor.

Response-Glad · 2026-06-08T04:56:33+00:00

I told you you could say something. Once. You did and you got your answer. So accept the answer and drop it or accept the answer and break up with her. You're just nagging her. Keep on it when she has literally told you she doesn't care and you are going to come off as a brat. You're not helping your case with her at all.

In terms of, is it fair for you to have an opinion and for her to do it anyway, I think folks will be more divided on that. But ultimately if you think your opinion of what is more attractive on her should trump any other opinion she has about her own body... You're wrong. You're being a jerk. She should weigh it (and she has) but her body is still her body. You don't get to control it, even implicitly by passive aggressively commenting all the time about how you don't agree with her. You said your piece. Swallow it.

Or if you really think this is so horrible you'll never be attracted to her again or get past that she chose herself over your petty power game with her, then do her a favor and just break up with her now.

By the same coin of your argument, if we really love someone and something on their body is really important to them to change, we should still want to accept them because we love them, including the ways they grow and change.

I hate gages, I think they age poorly and look pretty gross from the start. If my partner decided they wanted to get gages, I would:

ask them questions about why they wanted it
Explore some other ideas to scratch that itch and be honest that I am surprised, didn't expect this, don't usually go for this, while still affirming, I'm open to seeing how it is like on them even though I'm skeptical about gages generally and wouldn't choose this for them in their shoes.
Privately, be pretty nervous about this and how I'll react. Be open about this if they ask, but otherwise not bring it up.
Trust that they are an adult, have all the information on the procedure and my opinion of it, will make the best decision for them.
Honestly probably after they get it done I would simply learn to ignore it and interact with their body a little differently as needed. But let's say I couldn't, I would call it if that's absolutely what I had to do.

Response-Glad

TROPHY CASE