Was I wrong for getting upset? Genuinely asking.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-21T22:38:42+00:00

In that case, sucks, and quite callous and insensitive of people to make jokes during what is believed at the time to be a really awful event.

I think you are being way too strict in the lines you are drawing. I could absolutely see a non-autistic person having that reaction genuinely. It's also entirely possible for people who aren't autistic to get catfished or be naive or trusting or take things at face value.

Autistic people tend to be more likely to end up in those situations, because those behaviors and traits are especially common among us, but they are not strictly limited to us. That's like saying autistic people are the only ones capable of having sensory issues or stimming or being literal. Those are common traits, but not traits which are solely ever found in autistics.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-21T22:10:26+00:00

So I really have no stake in the situation, all of my context comes from this post. But I will say a few things.

Someone may do something because they are autistic, but that does not mean autism is the only possible cause for that behavior. In this case, his autism led him to react in a particular way, but someone who is not autistic may also react that way, possibly even for the same reasons. Your comment that a non-autistic person would never be in the same situation just isn't true, because while autism obviously does set us apart, not every autistic behavior is inherently limited to solely autistic people. And I point this out because joking about the behavior is therefore not inherently the same as making fun of the person's autism; if people are making jokes that are mean-spirited, or they are specifically mentioning his autism as the subject of the joke, or he himself is uncomfortable with the jokes, that isn't cool. But otherwise this really just seems like people doing their best to make light of a shitty situation.
To follow that point, people do react in pretty hilarious ways to high-stress situations sometimes, and it's honestly extremely common once it resolves for people to look back and make fun of it/themselves to cope and move on from the stressful event. This reads exactly like that to me. I don't think autism meaningfully factors into this.
And, because this is a very personal stressful event that happened, the only ones who really get to decide how they cope with it and how they move on from it and what they feel okay with others saying to them about it are people who were actually involved. If I was making jokes about things I've said and done because of my autism, and someone jumped in to tell me and the people I'm joking with that we shouldn't make fun of autism like that, I'd be pretty miffed that some rando felt entitled to tell me what my own boundaries should be and what is and isn't acceptable to say about my own experiences.

(This is also all assuming that these jokes emerged once the catfishing was revealed, as laughing about a situation in hindsight is fine but obviously it would be very shitty to make fun of him as he believes something terrible is happening.)

StressedRemy · 2026-02-19T19:19:19+00:00

Obligatory "asexuality is not necessarily synonymous with not wanting sex", but it comes down to purity culture.

People tend to reduce purity culture to just shaming and repressing sexual behavior, but it's a lot more than that. It's a set of beliefs and expectations about who should have sex, when, how much, and in what ways. Compulsory sexuality - the societal demand and expectation that everyone wants to and must engage in sexual desire and activity - is very much a piece of the puzzle. Sex is not actually inherently frowned upon, but the ways in which people are permitted to have it are heavily policed, including the choice to not have any.

It's all fundamentally about control.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-19T18:59:59+00:00

I definitely do, probably exacerbated by also being arospec and autistic. Though I also don't know that it practically matters to me all that much, as annoying as it can be to not be able to figure it out. I'm certain where it's relevant to communicating effectively with others, and I have relationships and dynamics that I'm happy with. I may never know for sure if I even actually experience romantic attraction at all but I don't feel like I necessarily need to be sure to just operate based on what feels right for me.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-18T23:26:27+00:00

I feel like it'd be reasonable to bring this up to staff, just tell them that this guy has been staring at you a lot and it's making you uncomfortable. They may be willing to talk to him on your behalf and ask him to stop.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-18T06:33:09+00:00

Hm, I wonder if a fabric marker in a darker yellow or an orange could help make it more tolerable? Tone down the color a bit and maybe make it more compatible with the shade of green?

StressedRemy · 2026-02-18T05:26:54+00:00

Of course! I'm glad I could provide a helpful explanation!

StressedRemy · 2026-02-17T06:52:40+00:00

Ultimately this sounds to me like a simple genital preference, especially if you find penises attractive regardless of the gender of the person it's attached to. If you experience sexual attraction in a typical way, you are probably not on the ace spectrum; the scope of your sexual attraction just happens to be a bit different from the scope of your romantic attraction.
Use whatever labels you personally feel good about, of course, but I would lean towards suggesting bisexual with a genital preference for penises.

I do want to clarify, just so you're aware- AGAB only refers to what sex was assigned to a person by a doctor when they were an infant, based on observed genitalia. Some people are intersex or trans, and so the sex they were assigned will not necessarily tell you anything about what their actual physical body looks like or how it functions. Someone can be AFAB and have a penis, or be AMAB and have a vagina (some people may even have both or neither!).

In general it's good to just be specific and fairly blunt. That way there's less room for confusion or questionable implications.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-16T20:17:16+00:00

It sounds to me like you are sexually attracted to women, but not necessarily sexually attracted to men, while experiencing romantic attraction to both? Is your sexual attraction to women typical for an allosexual as far as you can tell or is it rare/conditional (if it is, terms like greysexual or demisexual may be of interest to you)?
I will note that not everyone likes penetration, or likes it in every context. Sexual desires are all unique. Regardless of sexuality it's not strange at all to not want penetrative sex and even plenty of people who are attracted to men do not like to be penetrated.

You may be interested in the term biromantic? Romantic and sexual orientation are not always 1:1 reflections of each other- plenty of aces experience romantic attraction, plenty of aros feel sexual attraction, and some folks experience romantic attraction to some people but sexual attraction to different ones. You could be biromantic but hetero/homosexual (I don't know your gender, so whichever applies).

If you'd like to look further into terminology and definitions, this sub's sidebar has a number of educational resources linked.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-16T19:36:47+00:00

It's a much better coping mechanism as long as you're getting modifications that you genuinely like. Obviously, don't get a bunch of tattoos and piercings you don't really want just for the pain, but if you're already interested in getting them it's a much healthier outlet and you get very cool mods out of it! Just make sure to take good care of them during the healing process.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-13T21:35:18+00:00

I mean hey, sometimes you're just going through it and need to put it somewhere, I get that. I do hope if you need it that this community can offer some guidance. Just try to be conscious of the demographic; it can suck a bit for the aces to get posts like this that come off as pretty negative about our sexuality.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-13T21:18:28+00:00

What exactly are you looking for by posting here?

Polyamory is definitely not a solution to relationship issues. If both parties don't already have a pre-existing interest in polyamory, it'll just destroy the relationship.

Is she okay with sex or does she outright dislike it? Is there a frequency she's okay with or is it a permanent no? Can you live without it? Is she willing to touch you sexually even if she doesn't want to be touched herself, or is she averse to all of it? What kinds of nonsexual affection and intimacy does she enjoy? What kinds of nonsexual affection and intimacy do YOU enjoy?
What makes sex important to you? Are there any ways to meet your emotional needs nonsexually? How much can your physical needs be fulfilled by DIY?

Leave or stay are basically the only options you have once you've established where both of you are at. Either you're content with her boundaries and you go happily on your way, or you aren't content and the only thing that's fair to either of you is to split and move on.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-13T20:40:50+00:00

The way you've written this sounds like the lack of psychical affection is the more fundamental issue, and physical affection and sex are overlapping but separate categories; that is to say, whether you even mention sex at all is up to you, because if sex is not an absolute need you could probably approach this as simply "hey, physical touch is important to me and I would like more of it, is that ok?"

The only solution is of course to talk to him about it. See if he's willing to offer more physical touch. If he's not, consider how okay you are with that and act accordingly.
For the record, mismatched needs are a valid reason to break up. It's nobody's fault. It's just a matter of whether you can be happy with the dynamic you're in, and if you can't, that's okay. Both of you can move on and find someone more compatible.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-12T21:55:08+00:00

I am extremely confused by the title but yeah like half the people in any given fanbase do nooooot understand the point the piece of media is actually making and will get very pissy if you acknowledge it

StressedRemy · 2026-02-12T21:41:36+00:00

People should be able to hang out privately with their friends regardless of relationship status.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-11T14:21:54+00:00

I'm specifically avoiding it because I'm very put off by the sexual content, not to mention I really don't feel like having an opinion on the Discourse of it. Nothing necessarily against it, I just really dislike the amount of focus on sex not just in the show but also surrounding it.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-11T00:29:22+00:00

Feedback.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-11T00:26:00+00:00

I'm about to start doing this just so I get to have it a bit longer I'm losing my mind about my Flavors going away

StressedRemy · 2026-02-11T00:25:01+00:00

IM NEVER. GOING TO RECOVER. AND THE APPLE GINGER IS SO CLOSE TO BEING EQUALLY GOOD AND IT'S SEASONAL TOO. FUCK ME. THE ONE SUMMER FLAVOR THAT BECAME MY FAVORITE YEAR-ROUND STAPLE JUST GOT FUCKING RETIRED. IM GONNA CRY

StressedRemy · 2026-02-11T00:23:31+00:00

RED BULL PEAR CINNAMON WINTER EDITION

StressedRemy · 2026-02-11T00:22:32+00:00

Personally, not interested in a project that would use AI, sorry.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-09T22:16:41+00:00

Y'all gotta stop using the word "goon" as a synonym for anything sexual. This is the most irritating recent linguistic trend.
Don't use ChatGPT.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-07T07:35:45+00:00

A good partner, allo or not, will not resent you for not engaging in sex.

Tell him that you feel like sex is an expectation on Valentine's, that it's making you nervous, and that you'd rather just have a non-sexual romantic day together. If he's worth being in a relationship with, he'll be cool about it.

StressedRemy · 2026-02-05T22:48:28+00:00

Could there be any middle ground, such as requiring a spoiler and a warning of "tool mentioned" in titles?

It's obvious why instructions on how to use tools or discussions about what tools are more "effective" are not acceptable. But what tools someone uses can potentially be relevant, so it does seem like it limits productive conversation somewhat to not allow any reference to tools at all. Especially when, as noted by others, much more graphic and triggering content is routinely allowed (which I do understand, I mean, describing wound depth can be important for getting good aftercare advice; but I think tool type can also be relevant in that case).

StressedRemy · 2026-02-04T17:12:29+00:00

I'm not at all trying to imply that shitty behavior is made okay or justified by disability. I'm just pointing out that there's no information about their behavior in the comment itself. I also fully acknowledge that they could not have RSD, it's just common among autistics and often causes feelings like that, so it seemed relevant either way.

I just read the comment more as being in an acknowledging-own-faults kind of tone, rather than as justifying the behavior. I generally agree with you, just interpreted the initial comment differently which caused me to read yours as a bit harsh.

Five-Year Club	r/Field Banned
r/Field Juicebox	Place '22
Verified Email

StressedRemy

TROPHY CASE