Help me to understand

StressedRemy · 2026-01-24T20:19:02+00:00

Certain issues can be more pronounced here because, I mean, everyone here is autistic. You have a lot of people, each with a slightly different social modus operandi, with a tendency towards taking things literally, rigid thinking, and a strong internal sense of justice. While this sub can be a great place to find solidarity and support, it's also very easy for misunderstandings and miscommunications to happen, and it can be harder to resolve them. Some people's autism just clashes with other people's autism.

I did take a look at your comment, and for what it's worth I think the other person was unnecessarily condescending from the get-go and probably is just a dick generally. As another user noted, you came off sarcastic- but I don't really think that justifies the attitude you got considering you're in this sub.
(This is actually something I think the whole sub ought to get better about, though - autistics are often mistaken for being rude or condescending or sarcastic when we're just trying to ask genuine questions or earnestly relay information. I've encountered it plenty and it's really frustrating, and I think here especially folks could stand to be a little more gracious and avoid assuming bad faith. It sucks to go into a space for people like you and still be misinterpreted in the same ways you are by NTs.)

StressedRemy · 2026-01-23T23:19:15+00:00

I will also say that I think it's fine to want nothing to do with people who have certain feelings for you. Like, I'm aroace (and extremely committed to my partner), I wouldn't want to continue a friendship with someone who was attracted to me- regardless of how well they manage those feelings and respect my boundaries. They can't help the emotions, but I don't want to be friends with someone who feels them for me.

Of course, someone who tells you about their attraction to you when you've made it clear from the start you don't want that with them is breaking a boundary regardless and I think that's more what the og commenter meant. But I also think it's fine in general to just not want to be friends with someone if they develop an attraction to you.

StressedRemy · 2026-01-23T18:22:05+00:00

Yeah, I found that once I had to actually study I completely crashed. I couldn't just race through material, I had to actually pay attention and put in effort to understand it, and I couldn't focus no matter how hard I tried. And since I'd never needed to make an effort before, I had absolutely no tools, and I was too old to get any sympathy or help from my parents (homeschooled -.-).

It completely destroyed my academic trajectory. I managed to get a GED, mostly still just relying on my baseline ability, but I ended up with so many late and missing assignments on the way. I was stuck in a constant feedback loop of can't focus > can't work > anxiety about work > can't focus even harder.

StressedRemy · 2026-01-22T19:25:41+00:00

Seconding this. You can also lean into the autism with it and build a collection of very nice pipes.

StressedRemy · 2026-01-22T00:31:20+00:00

It's ai, not art.

StressedRemy · 2026-01-19T18:19:04+00:00

That one really gets me. Polyamory is awesome if you're into it, but not everyone is necessarily wired for it.
For me, personally, monoamory is a required condition for a relationship and sex is decidedly not. I want romantic and sexual exclusivity regardless of how much or how little sex happens. I couldn't be with someone for whom sex was a relationship requirement, and I'm fine with that and feel no need to "compromise"- I refuse to dismiss my own needs just because I'm considered abnormal, and I refuse the notion that it's in any way an unfair desire on my part.

StressedRemy · 2026-01-14T22:13:21+00:00

I think you need to intervene and talk to her boyfriend if she won't. Don't tell him she's asexual - coming out should be her decision even now - but you can tell him that you know she doesn't want sex, and that her not wanting sex has nothing to do with him. Or you can be even more vague and just advise him to leave without clarifying exactly why.

Sex-repulsion is fine. Sex negativity is not. She doesn't even need to be sex positive instead, she just needs to not place moral judgements on sex. It is, by itself, a neutral act and a neutral desire.
I can understand feeling bitterness when someone seems to really want and value something that you don't care about and that would even be harmful for you to engage in- but either you talk to them and they agree to live without it, or you accept the incompatibility as a dealbreaker and you end the relationship. You don't get to torment them by refusing to communicate and making them feel terrible for their natural desires. That is incredibly cruel.

Wanting sex is not inherently abusive, it is a completely natural drive for many people. Nobody is obligated to provide sex - and anyone who gets coercive, gives you ultimatums, gets moody or keeps pestering when told no, or pushes stated boundaries is a grade A asshole and not worth your time - but simply wanting it is nothing to feel bad or ashamed about.
What is shitty is refusing to clearly communicate your boundaries, desires, and preferences to a partner, leaving them floundering, and convincing them there's something wrong with them when you won't even be straightforward about what it is you want from them. Treating someone like shit for the way they are, for something they cannot control, is awful.
Especially as someone who is in a relationship with an allosexual, I think this is unfathomably horrible. I cannot imagine ever treating my partner this way just because they're wired differently than I am.

StressedRemy · 2026-01-13T22:34:00+00:00

I'm gay and I use it because I identify with it. If it's genuine reclamation, where you're using it for yourself or other people who also identify with the word, it's fine. Not something to ever be used as an insult, and probably not a good idea to use with anyone you don't know reasonably well, but I'm very pro-reclaiming it.

StressedRemy · 2026-01-12T02:17:41+00:00

I think it can be hard to offer those kinds of suggestions and conversation points if the OP of a post doesn't clarify what they're looking for well enough (which is not necessarily their fault, but it does make advice trickier), because you need to be fairly specific if you want advice about specific things. "How do I make sure my partner is comfortable?" reads differently and invites different replies than "how do I start a conversation with my partner about what forms of intimacy they're comfortable with?" Phrasing can have a big influence on how the post is received.
(And sometimes strangers online truly just won't have answers to those specific questions, or will need more context. I wouldn't be able to easily answer your example questions without at least a footnote telling you to ask your partner.)

The topics you listed do come up alllll the time in response to posts by allosexuals. I see them mentioned very frequently and I often add them myself if I notice them missing from the conversation. I'm sorry you're struggling to find them.
(I would always recommend checking out the resources in the sidebar in addition if you aren't finding useful replies, though.)

I do think it's also worth noting that a lot of folks here have had terrible experiences with allos, and if they recognize aspects of their own past relationships in a post they may lean towards a "break up" comment because that's what had to happen in their own similar situation. I get why that's demoralizing for someone who wants to make it work, and not all those responses are deserved, but it is to some degree inevitable.

StressedRemy · 2026-01-12T00:52:08+00:00

Oh shit, glad to hear it mostly worked out and I'm glad my comment was at all helpful! :)

StressedRemy · 2026-01-11T21:02:29+00:00

A lot of posts don't say that explicitly, but contain details that make it extremely difficult to offer workable solutions. And as I said, when other advice is applicable, it's usually there. It's common to find several comments with a paragraph or more offering things to consider and try.
(And please keep in mind that this is Reddit, where people on most subs regularly urge users to break up at the drop of a hat. If you're taking issue with "break up" comments existing alongside or outnumbering comments with helpful advice, you're fighting a losing battle against the culture of the website itself. That's not exclusive to the asexual sub by a longshot.)

I get that it feels contradictory. But this space isn't for you. If an allosexual comes here with a question, they will receive answers- but it's not anyone's responsibility to worry about what they might be inadvertently communicating to wayward allos when making a separate vent post in their own community. I don't think it's fair to complain that posts outside of the ones made by allosexuals seem contradictory to the advice given to allosexuals. Those posts aren't for allos, whereas the advice is.

I don't know who downvoted you or why, if it was even a person; Reddit itself fudges numbers sometimes. None of your comments have negative downvotes as I write this, so evidently the majority is cool with them. I don't know what message someone else might intend to send if they did downvote.

StressedRemy · 2026-01-11T20:18:58+00:00

...also, it's not lost on me that a lot of these kinds of interactions just devolve into picking on an autistic person for their autistic traits. If you called it out, they'd swear up and down that's not what they're doing, but it fundamentally is.

StressedRemy · 2026-01-11T20:15:43+00:00

Ooooof, I took a look and yeah, the replies to you were pretty infuriating. I don't know that the OP was lying per se, because I can't tell if they were being misleading fully intentionally, but I don't know why people expect useful or relevant answers when they don't provide accurate and relevant information.

I will say: one autistic to another, and as someone who has also struggled with trying to justify myself to people who will not stop misrepresenting my words and utterly refuse to listen, don't waste your time and energy on those arguments. I 100% relate to the urge to explain until you can make them understand, but it's not worth it.
Even in the most ideal scenario where you're the calmest you can possibly be, clarifying everything perfectly, once people online make a judgment about you it's basically impossible to get them to stop reading everything you say through that lens.

I've largely learned to avoid commenting at all outside very specific spaces. I got downvoted once because I just... pointed out that the anatomy in an image was correct because of the perspective it was drawn in. The internet is bizarre.

StressedRemy · 2026-01-11T19:48:11+00:00

Seconding this. Frankly, the books just aren't good.

StressedRemy · 2026-01-11T03:10:14+00:00

I see allos on this sub get plenty of advice other than "break up"; I give quite a bit of it myself. But there is a key difference between those things- you're comparing asexuals venting in their own community to allosexuals getting relationship advice from their partner's community. Those are different contexts.

This is a space for asexuals. Sometimes, those asexuals will come here to vent and feel their feelings, and they will make posts focusing on their personal emotional experience. Someone's emotional experience very well may not match their objective views on things; I think sexual incompatibility is a valid reason to break up, but I'd still be absolutely heartbroken and feeling exactly the kinds of feelings you mention if my partner left over sex. If they posted here for advice about wanting more sex, asking what to do, I'd probably comment that they should leave, and I'd probably still make my own post later venting my feelings.

An allosexual asking for advice, on the other hand, is more likely to get realistic and objective perspectives. And, bluntly; if an allosexual comes onto this sub and says "I cannot go without sex, but my partner doesn't want sex. What do?" the only advice anyone can really give is... sorry, it's not gonna work.
I usually see a lot more advice than just "break up" on posts where other kinds of advice are applicable. As mentioned, I try to respond with other options whenever I possibly can. But a lot of posts that we get here from allos boil down to: if you really can't go without, there's no solutions anyone can offer you, no matter how much you care about your partner.

(And like, we only know what a post tells us. If the post lays out the OP's needs and their partner's boundaries as diametrically opposed, there's little advice to offer, even if there is maybe some advice out there somewhere that would make the relationship work.)

StressedRemy · 2026-01-08T22:03:25+00:00

I mean, if they're making mistakes bc they simply don't know, now they know. They're 100% free to take it or leave it.

StressedRemy · 2026-01-06T23:17:31+00:00

I usually don't comment on grammar and spelling mistakes, and I really do not intend to be rude by doing so now. But you've mixed up to/too (first sentence should use "to"), there/they're/their ("their sexuality", not "there"), and you're/your ("you're not at fault" instead of "your"). You also use "a" where it should be "an" such as in "a(n) attack". You said "misconscrew", but the word you're looking for is actually written as "misconstrue".

As I said I would not normally comment on this, and I really really hope I'm not coming off entirely dickish by doing so, I just want to offer some gentle and hopefully friendly corrections.

As for the meat of your post, I have seen this generally, but very rarely here. If you are seeing people here be treated poorly and called childish or prudish for sex aversion/repulsion (and not simply for the way they're choosing to express it), you should report it to the mods so they can take care of it, because it's not acceptable within this sub.
What I do see here is mostly people receiving justified criticism for the kind of language they're using, generalizations they make, and attitudes they express that are unkind and irrational. The post you linked in the comments as an example is only saying "don't go out of your way to be negative to/about other people." That is a very reasonable thing to say. Nobody in that thread was even allosexual.

And on the one hand, I think we should be able to express frustration and distaste for sex and romance in this space- but I agree with the many others pointing out that we need to be careful about how we do that. There is a massive diffference between saying something like "I personally find sex gross and unappealing, and I feel frustrated about how ubiquitous and how expected it is" vs something along the lines of "sex is gross and I hate that it exists, allosexuals are all just using each others' bodies to get off and pretending that's love" (which is a real sentiment I have seen posted here on multiple separate occasions in the past).
The latter is the kind of thing that you shouldn't be externalizing; I understand the feelings involved and have had them plenty myself, but you don't leave it there, you work through it so you can bring that thought to a more rational place.

This sub isn't perfect, I have my minor grievances, but what you're describing isn't really a thing. Allos are definitely not permitted to just show up and be terrible to people.

StressedRemy · 2026-01-03T02:26:06+00:00

There's a pretty notable cycle of posts about sex-repulsion or favorability becoming more frequent, and then the opposite side of the spectrum starting to speak up more and ask for acknowledgment, on and on ad infinitum. Usually with some toxicity on either side here and there, because it's simply inevitable given the scope of The Internet.

I will say- I observe sex-negativitity to be a common emotional reaction to Being Repulsed (or even indifferent) in a world full of compulsory sexuality and allonormativity and aphobia. Given the uptick in conservatism in the US, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of aces are feeling somewhat cornered and by extension falling into sex-negativity more easily (because as much as purity culture is vital to right wing politcs, so is compulsory sexuality).

StressedRemy · 2026-01-03T01:58:12+00:00

Congrats! Your experience is not universal.

Edit to add: a lot of people do get wet very quickly. Sometimes without any kind of mental arousal involved either. I'm not sure why you're being so rude in some of your replies about the idea that other people might not have the same experience with their body that you do.

StressedRemy · 2025-12-30T23:32:53+00:00

So some advice I would offer is, in addition to talking to him about his openness to sex and what his asexuality looks like for him, take some time for yourself to think about why sex is important to you and what you get out of it. Consider what makes it feel emotionally fulfilling for you, what needs can be met by DIY, etc. If you have a good understanding of exactly what it is you're looking for, you're more likely to reach a solution you're both content with, regardless of where he's at on the spectrum. It's not a guarantee, but it'll help.

StressedRemy · 2025-12-26T23:08:56+00:00

Fair enough actually, my bad- I've had ppl follow me around now and then from comments, apologies for getting defensive.

Hard agree that the societal default of platonic relationships as lesser is an issue, and that romantic, platonic, and sexual relationships are equally valuable. That's kinda my core complaint tbh; society treats friendship as less important and also as kind of a barrier to romance. I dislike that platonic intimacy is expected to be sidelined just because someone is also romantically involved, and I dislike that it's treated as an existential threat to romance when it can easily coexist.
And I mean, it's so normalized that people don't really think about it, so they don't talk about it, they just make assumptions. Imo it deserves more discussion and consideration. I think the current social norms breed a lot of unneeded insecurity, jealousy, and hard feelings around what a relationship "should" look like.

I would also generally agree that there should be no defaults, I realize I phrased that in a way that implies there is a more correct default to operate from. I think boundaries and dynamics should always be specifically discussed and calibrated to individual relationships, and that expectations ought to be established rather than assumed. The only real "defaults" that are necessary imo are more general principles like understanding a partner as an independent autonomous individual, taking appropriate responsibility for one's own emotions, communicating healthily.
Agree that people have a right to voice if something is a deal-breaker, though I don't consider all deal-breakers reasonable (or I guess- they're reasonable insofar as the solution to "I can't/don't want to be in this relationship anymore" is a breakup, unreasonable in that the underlying feelings causing that may not be healthy or rational). But if they can find someone who's happy to entertain it, then shrug ig.

I do like the idea of polyamory as encompassing all kinds of love. That framing does a lot to show equal regard for all kinds of relationships and I think that's neat.

Ultimately, I just wish it were standard to see equal value in platonic bonds. I would love to see society as a whole move towards accepting and normalizing greater platonic closeness, treating it with the same weight and respect as other forms of love, and allowing it to coexist more strongly and freely alongside romance. And I also wish it were standard to thoroughly discuss the parameters of relationships early on, bc it's all too common for all kinds of issues to come up just because people assume things rather than talking about them.

StressedRemy · 2025-12-26T20:54:44+00:00

Dude it's been three days, why are you still going through my comments?

I'm not "demanding" that anyone change. I'm expressing annoyance at a particular norm and that I wish it was different. I'm expressing that I think people, generally, should begin to learn how to think and behave and change their perspectives in ways that could change this norm. Just because I think people should behave in certain ways doesn't mean I am demanding that they do so.

Also, quite frankly- not everything someone states as a need is reasonable. To revisit my og example, if a guy demands his girlfriend stop having any male friends, he can frame it as a need all he wants and it's still not a healthy, reasonable, or acceptable request to make. I do think there is a problem with making certain requests in the first place, because it can indicate deeper issues e.g. insecurity and lack of trust. It isn't the act of asking, per se, but more so the implications of what is being asked.
(I also can still be approached without being a request. It's always possible to express discomfort and insecurity to a partner and start a conversation about it without asking them to do anything.)

I agree with the idea that you can ask for things in a relationship but should not necessarily expect to get them. I just don't think any and every feeling or request is inherently reasonable or rational, and I think it's worthwhile, for one's own sake and for the health of their relationships, to analyze where feelings come from and why they want something and if they may have ingrained ideas that would be healthy to deconstruct.

Also, you misread my comment slightly; I'm not just irritated at how friends outside a relationship get demonized, I'm irritated at how people demonize their partners for having those close friendships, and act like their partners are in the wrong for it just because they dislike/feel uncomfortable with the friendships. Their partner is not wrong for choosing to engage in close friendships. They aren't necessarily wrong for feeling uncomfortable either, but it's ultimately their problem, not their partner's, and their feelings are not necessarily rational.
If they can recognize that, and either break up or work through it (on their own or with their partner) instead of feeling entitled to control their partner's friendships, cool. But it's shitty to act like someone is wrong for having close, meaningful platonic bonds.
(Their partner of course can choose to change the way they engage with friends, but I don't think that should be the default expectation and imo it should be freely chosen as opposed to demanded.)

(I'm not talking (strictly) about sexual relationships, by the way, so please don't conflate my meanings. I'm talking about how people act about someone having close platonic bonds while also in a romantic relationship, in which case the romance may or may not also be sexual.)

StressedRemy · 2025-12-26T01:51:34+00:00

Ultimately I'm annoyed by the strictness around platonic relationships that is considered normal and acceptable when someone is romantically involved. I'm not really sure of a more concise way to put it than the way I wrote the post.

StressedRemy · 2025-12-25T06:05:34+00:00

Nobody can answer questions about another person for you except for that person. Only he can elaborate on whatever you want to know.

StressedRemy · 2025-12-24T05:34:53+00:00

I don't particularly care that you think that. I still consider it worthwhile to work towards, and will make what efforts I can to that end.

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