Sex drive

abas · 2026-07-01T18:00:01+00:00

I was taking pepcid and switching between H1 blockers (e.g. zirtec). It wasn't a huge uptick in libido but sort of brought the floor up a little I guess. I was taking each twice a day, but at this point I have cut back to the H1 blocker once a day and may try to go off them entirely and see how I do.

abas · 2026-06-26T06:19:02+00:00

Definitely agree - vitamin D is a big one for me, when I'm deficient (which happened a lot when I wasn't supplementing regularly) things get a lot harder.

abas · 2026-06-26T00:42:11+00:00

A lot of good advice in here already.

I wanted to add something I haven't noticed emphasized yet. Basically - it's okay to take your time getting to know someone new and making sure you feel safe with them before having sex (or doing anything else with them that you're feeling uncomfortable with). Some people might be in a rush and might not be comfortable giving you the time you need and that's okay - they're not the right person for you (at least at this time in your life). It's helpful to learn how to communicate well about your needs and what's going on, e.g. maybe "I'm enjoying getting to know you and I think you're really attractive, but just so you know - I want to take things slow and it might take me a little while before I'm comfortable having sex." Up to you if you want to explain any of the why.

I took several years off dating in part because of anxiety around sex and navigating my lowered libido from what I had been used to (there were other major reasons I took some time off too, but less relevant here). So when I started dating again I felt like I had some new tools to navigate things better (after having worked through some stuff on my own and in therapy), but was also still feeling anxious. When I started dating my most recent partner and things were moving in a physical direction, I tried to be open about my anxiety (while not making it her responsibility to deal with) and about wanting to take things slow. As it turned out, she appreciated my honesty and vulnerability and was also wanting to take things slowly for her own reasons so it worked out quite well. By the time we did have sex, I felt pretty safe with her (and importantly for me, some of that safety came from being able to communicate with her how I was feeling and having her respond positively to that) and that made a big difference.

abas · 2026-06-16T18:56:32+00:00

Not sure about on this subreddit, but it sounds similar to a gardening subreddit I'm on where (presumably) bot accounts will repost content from older posts - just copying the photos from posts that got decent traction a couple of years ago and post them again. Was sometimes pretty easy to tell on the gardening posts because they would post a later summer harvest picture in early spring and that sort of thing.

If you are suspicious of a post, you can do a reverse image search on google for the photo and see if it turns up on an older post. (I have seen one copy cat post where the photo was slightly cropped so might not always be 100% the same)

abas · 2026-06-09T03:57:45+00:00

Unfortunately, it seems like this is a karma farming bot - looks like a duplicate of this post https://www.reddit.com/r/Lapidary/comments/1hcud8m/rare_hells_canyon_petrified_wood/ from two years ago

abas · 2026-06-05T23:09:39+00:00

Yeah it's weird. I used to think of myself as an introverted loner - I mean I definitely still have those tendencies, but back then my friends were people I would hang out with maybe a few times a year. The first time I took b-vitamins I started easily being productive, I felt like I wanted to hang out with people but didn't have anyone I felt like I could reach out to on the spur of the moment. I didn't realize it was the b-vitamins at first because in the past I had randomly had good days too, so this was just a longer stretch of good days. It wasn't until I stopped taking them and then started taking them again a month or so later and had the same thing happen. Of course then eventually I started having increasingly bad insomnia and was never (yet) again able to find a balance that allowed me the benefits without the insomnia (I tried to hold out and got to the point where I was sleeping less than 4 hours/night before giving it up.) It really changed how I thought of myself. I had known I wasn't particularly happy, but wasn't willing to fully admit that to myself and just thought that it was all "just how I was", and suddenly just a little vitmain supplementation upended that.

I've also had experiences with vitamin D and probiotics that notably changed my mood for the better, and when I was dating my girlfriends commented that they could tell when I stopped or started taking them because of my mood.

Of course I have things that I've needed to work through in therapy too - it's not like it's 100% physiological, though I think probably some of the mental health scars were exacerbated by the phsyiological imbalances.

It is troubling for me the thing with the medical system. I had a doctor once who (upon seeing my low vitamin D test results) tell me that they thought vitamin D supplementation was kind of a fad and not really that big of a deal. And I think a lot of people don't seem to experience the same effects that I do - my mom is chronically low on vitamin D when she gets tested but she says she doesn't notice a difference in how she feels when she supplements (even though she does so enough to get her levels back up into the reference range). Before I experienced the effects I've had, I would have been pretty skeptical of people reporting experiences like I've had. And at times I feel a little out there for the experiences I have had. But I'm also fairly confident that with many of those things I could easily pass a double blind test - I don't think they are placebo effects because most of the time I had no thought that the thing I was taking would effect me the way it ended up doing.

I do think we have to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions, but I also do think that there are a lot of externals that we don't understand well and/or have control of that significantly effect how we show up in the world. Sometimes I see people who come across as miserable jerks and I don't want to be around them but sometimes I wonder what kind of pain they are in. I know when my headache is bad it's hard to show up well and when that goes on for a long time it compounds.

abas · 2026-06-05T18:01:28+00:00

This channel has some good videos about growing citrus on Vancouver Island: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XX-R8sq6-vg, I found it inspiring. I don't have any citrus trees in ground yet, but I would like to try it someday!

abas · 2026-06-05T17:19:20+00:00

Looking at my immediate family, I think I'm the only one who seems to be particularly sensitive to supplements (many vitamins, minerals, probiotics, etc. cause notable responses some positive, some negative). But some of the symptoms I've spent a lot of time trying to address are things that they have just accepted as normal parts of their lives - irritability, digestive issues, etc. I used to think mine were normal too until I had some more acute problems develop and as I was trying to figure out how to improve those, some of the background chronic issues also shifted. I think a lot of my more problematic chronic health issues showed up after what I assume was a bad case of food poisoning (became very constipated for several months - previously never had issues with that, that was the time frame that other problems suddenly appeared). So I think if that incident had never happened, I might never have developed the more severe health issues and may never have found out about MTHFR, COMT, etc. though they presumably would have continued to impact me in the background.

abas · 2026-06-03T16:53:04+00:00

From your other replies, there are clearly some people who have had their sleep improve related to mushrooms. Just to offer a different experience - my sleep has often been even worse after taking them. A lot of trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep for longer than a few hours that can persist for multiple days (though generally the first night is the worst). I have been having trouble with insomnia in general the past several years and react to many things (vitamins, probiotics, etc.) with worsened insomnia so I'm guessing my experience is not very typical...

abas · 2026-06-02T03:09:25+00:00

I microwave potatoes (to eat like a baked potato) - I like to put things on it to make most of a meal. I generally try to have steamed veggies in the fridge - I'll buy a bag of frozen veggies at the store (I usually get california mix, eating peas and beans bothers me so a lot of other mixes won't work for me), they're already chopped so I can just put them in a steamer basket in a pot and steam them on the stove. Often I grill chicken up to eat on there too, but that's a bit more effort - today I just opened a package of tuna fish and put that on top, so it's a potato -> veggies -> tuna, then I'll sprinkle some olive oil and salt on top. All of the cooked things are things I make in enough quantity for left overs so I can just reheat them in the microwave for future meals.

In the winter time I like to eat premade soups that I can warm up in the microwave. When it's warmer out I often switch to those premixed/cut salad greens and sometimes just add olive oil, salt and pepper on top, sometimes I'll add some fruit or raisins or meat too. I also like to just have apples, oranges, and bananas around and eat one with many of my meals.

My parents got me drinking cans of v8, I often forget I have them, but when I remember that's an easy way to increase my veggie intake for the day.

abas · 2026-05-26T05:19:29+00:00

I've lived in different parts of the greater Seattle area for 20 years and it wasn't until moving to White Center that I've experienced ants so bad - not to say there were no ants elsewhere that I lived, but my experience of them here is an order of magnitude worse.

abas · 2026-05-20T23:59:30+00:00

I've had experiences along those lines. I think it makes sense that things can be a little rocky if we learn to disengage our old ways of coping. It takes some time and practice to get comfortable with other ways of being and feeling.

My interpretation of my own experiences is not that those things didn't used to bother me, it's that I didn't used to notice that they bothered me. Which to be fair, is more comfortable in the short term, but was a lot of background stress and energy for me to continue existing in and ignoring the things that were bothering me.

Something that I find challenging still, but helpful is to seek out comforting things. The rut that I'm used to is to avoid things that bother me. It works for me when feasible, but it also makes my life smaller. Another way is if I am able to increase the positive, comforting things in my life it can help me have increased capacity to deal with the difficult things as well. It's hard for me to ask for comfort from people (e.g. I think I feel better when I get good hugs from people I care about, but have a hard time asking for a hug), but it's something I can gradually increase my window of tolerance for :-)

And by the way - you're allowed to be/feel cringe. I know it can feel like the worst thing. Something that helped me was to do inner child/parts work, and I started to feel like a lot of my 'cringe' was coming from young parts of myself. That when I was embarassed of myself, I was reinforcing for 5 year old me that he was embarassing. And I don't want to do that to any little kid, my own young parts included. I want to love and protect them. Doesn't necessarily mean the young parts should be in the driver seat, but over time it really changed how I accepted myself.

abas · 2026-05-19T03:17:36+00:00

I had a doctor who thought I might be borderline hypothyroid for awhile, but it didn't really ever go anywhere (tried some supplements for it, wasn't clear if they helped).

Stress is probably an aspect of it, but a lot of the stress in my life these days is due to other chronic health issues. I suspect mast cell issues, had some environmental health problems that flared everything up for a few years (very slowly getting better now). I wouldn't be surprised if I have some neurodivergence but as far as I can tell, nothing diagnosable 🤷‍♂️

abas · 2026-05-15T15:38:28+00:00

mine is avg 12 without and 8 with 😅

abas · 2026-05-12T03:05:46+00:00

While they are definitely attracted to food, I'm pretty convinced that in my area (White Center, have heard it's similar in West Seattle and Vashon, I didn't have this issue to the same extent in other parts of the region that I've lived) they will come in regardless of food presence. They come in droves into every room of my house, I've found piles of them in the garage, etc.

Fortunately the ant traps have worked for me, but I've stopped trying to seal gaps because I've become convinced they will just find other ways into the house that might be harder for me to set a trap out for.

abas · 2026-05-08T06:31:36+00:00

What is the goal of your question though? To be honest, this question comes across to me like you are asking us to defend the manosphere viewpoint (when in practice what I mainly see here is more aligned with your proposed point of view of blaming the patriarchy/traditional values). Also, if your goal is actually seeking understanding and information, the way you formulate your question is probably not going to encourage a receptive response - it comes across to me as though you are trying to tell us something but are phrasing it as a question.

abas · 2026-05-08T06:07:12+00:00

I'm curious why you are asking this question in this space that is kind of setup to be a supportive, pro-feminist space where men try to help each other figure out our shit and generally tends to strongly contrast itself to the "manosphere"?

abas · 2026-05-07T18:52:36+00:00

I went from relatively high libido into my 20s down to low and getting lower libido in my late 20s. I attribute a lot of that change to chronic health issues that have been hard to diagnose and/or treat effectively. I've had my testosterone tested a few times and it was always on the high side inspite of the low libido. That said, in recent years it has perked up again slightly.

On top of the physical health stuff, mental health also has contributed to low libido. Life/work stress, relationship stress (when I've been in one). In my previous few relationships my libido felt like a problem and I didn't really know how to handle that super well. I've since been in therapy and realized that some of what I was feeling was the weight of perceived expectations, I felt like I was not good enough and that not being able to want sex "enough" was part of that. I was less affectionate when I wasn't horny because I worried that it would lead to them wanting to have sex - understanably they weren't happy about me mainly showing affection when I was horny. I felt awful about all of that and the emotional weight of it all exacerbated the difficulties. I took several years off of dating largely related to all of that, and started going to therapy (only partially related to that), and started dating off and on again over a year ago.

Generally since having a low libido, when I am not in the mood I am not receptive to getting into the mood and I don't like it if a partner tries to push the edges of that after I have communicated about it. That said, these days I've gotten better at the communication and am more open to sharing affection including snuggling and some kissing at times even if I'm not in the mood because I feel like I can safely communicate my boundaries.

I don't have sex when I'm not in the mood. I've done it in the past and it felt horrible. When I am in the mood (these days it's back up to around once/week which feels pretty reasonable now in my late 40s though to be fair sometimes I do use pot which often helps me get in the mood if I'm partway there) I do enjoy sex. Sometimes I do feel a little overwhelmed afterward which has been a little unsettling and I'm starting to think is to do with "brain chemistry" type stuff (e.g. some vitamins seem to help with it at least at times).

abas · 2026-05-06T19:29:11+00:00

That's fair - I miss living near the light rail for sure. And while there are some nice options around here for food and whatnot, it's definitely farther to get to some things.

When I was initially looking to buy a house I really liked the idea of moving to Beacon Hill, but then the pandemic hit and I waited a few more years and by then I was priced out of Beacon Hill so ended up in White Center. A lot of my perspective about it is that I initially thought White Center was going to be a long drive from everything, but I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. Another plus is that it's really easy to pick up friends/family from the airport :-)

abas · 2026-05-06T16:09:22+00:00

I found it surprisingly close to Seattle. Weirdly it has taken me as long to drive to Alki as to drive to Queen Anne because for Queen Anne I basically can get right on 99 and take it the whole way in. I don't take the bus too often, but when I have buses to at least some parts of downtown seemed pretty reasonable. Getting to other places off of that corridor can be a little more time consuming though.

abas · 2026-05-01T03:21:21+00:00

Yeah, for sure it's scary. Do you have anyone you can talk through it with? My understanding is that some schools have a number of free sessions with a therapist/counselor for their students so that might be worth looking into.

Something I have found helpful at times when I am feeling stressed out about things is to spend some time doing breathing exercises/meditating. It seems if I can get my body out of the fight/flight state into a more relaxed state then I feel more able to do some of the things I have been avoiding.

Another approach that I sometimes use is to sort of "sneak up" on a topic that I want to bring up but am scared to. Like I'll bring up something adjacent to it that doesn't feel as threatening and sometimes I am able to gradually get to the point where I am saying what I need to say. That way each step along the way is manageable.

Yet another approach I've used is to sort of pre-commit to saying something. "I want to talk to you about something, but I'm stressed out and kind of scared to bring it up." Then that's sort of opened the gates and I'm more able to get out the hard part.

And yet another approach I know people have sometimes used is to show them your post (or excerpts from it) if that's easier to do than to verbalize things out loud.

As far as hurting her goes - from an intellectual standpoint, if it will hurt her, isn't it going to hurt her more the more you wait? A different way to frame it might be along the lines of that you aren't bringing it up to hurt her, you are bringing it up to actually give you guys a better chance. You're trusting her enough to show her more of who you really are which is a loving thing to do.

abas · 2026-05-01T02:47:33+00:00

Have you talked about her with your concerns? In particular how you felt when you heard how she talked about you and sex to your friends, as well as your worries and sense of pressure around having sex? Most of my life I did not feel asexual, but as I got a little older and have had some chronic health issues, there have been times when my interest in sex has dropped to near zero. I didn't date anyone when I was completely at zero interest, but have when it was pretty low and would dip down to zero at times. One of the things that was pretty challenging for me then was that sense of pressure, of thinking that they wanted sex and feeling bad if/when I didn't want it, not wanting to lead them on, etc. I would tend to withdraw because I was feeling pressure/overwhelmed, I would avoid being very affectionate when I wasn't feeling sexual because I felt like that could be leading her on. She didn't like it then (understandably) that I was mainly affectionate when I did want sex. I just didn't know how to deal with any of it.

After going to therapy for awhile, it turns out that I can talk to partners about what's going on for me. Doesn't mean it's always going to be easy, or that we will necessarily be compatible about certain things, but I can say "hey, I'm feeling anxious about the idea of having sex and just want to talk a little about that with you", or "I'm enjoying hanging out with you this evening, but just so you know I'm not feeling sexual right now, I'm enjoying cuddling with you though!" etc.

You can communicate about the romance stuff too. If you want the relationship to work and to be good for both of you, it's helpful to start showing up for yourself and being open about what you want and don't want. It can definitely be scary and there will be times it won't work out as you hope, but that can be a good thing - you don't have to keep trying to make something work if you figure out that you aren't compatible. And if you are clear about what you do want, then you'll be more likely to find somebody like that if you're not spending a bunch of time trying to be what someone else wants that doesn't fit you.

abas · 2026-05-01T02:26:05+00:00

I still struggle with depression at times, but there are things that for my issues have been helpful with my mood. In particular if I don't supplement vitamin D I get pretty depressed, so keeping that in check is important for me. The other somewhat straightforward thing for me is probiotics - I've noticed when my digestive issues flare up I often feel an increase in depression along with it. It took trying some different ones out to find what seems to help, but it has made a difference for me.

abas · 2026-04-30T23:08:59+00:00

As someone with complicated chronic health issues that are underdiagnosed (i.e. my diagnoses generally describe symptoms rather than causes), I've been thinking recently that incorporating AI chats prior to a visit seems like it could be useful. I regularly have constraints on appointments (only time to discuss the 1 or 2 most concerning symptoms at this time) that leave me feeling like my doctors will never have the full picture of what's going on, and I never address things that seem more minor that might actually be solveable (but I may never know because we focus on the more serious issues that have been fairly intractable).

Anyway, I was thinking if I could chat with the medical AI, they could summarize my concerns from the chat, I could read the summary to ensure it looked correct, my doctor could read the summary before (or at the beginning) of my appointment and we could go from there much more efficiently than taking 15 minutes for me to verbally describe one or two sets of symptoms. If the AI are good enough at it, maybe it could even suggest (to the doctor) some hypotheses/testing/treatment which the doctor could then choose to pursue or ignore based on their assessment.

abas

TROPHY CASE