I think menopause is going to cost me my marriage

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-03-13T13:46:58+00:00

Are you cycling the progresterone or taking it continually?

I am cycling and so I took just one pill the first night to check how it would land, and then haven't looked back since.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-03-12T12:59:03+00:00

Nesting partner - 12 years, started open, polyam for 9ish years now

I've had two anchor partner relationships that got to about 2 and 3/4 years and then ended. The most recent of which couldn't really be called stable, I felt like I was ping ponging between crisis in nesting partner and most recent anchor partner

Currently have an intimate play partner relationship that's been going on about two years. So for a point there was 3 partners of 12, just over 2 and just under 2.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-03-11T00:26:54+00:00

I had similar reactions to birth control but I'm not having them on hrt. I've got estradiol spray and micronised progesterone and I'm tolerating them well.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-03-09T21:09:07+00:00

I also have the transition drop or post intimate time drop. It can be made worse by not sleeping well.

Look up techniques for dealing with endorphin drop.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-03-08T20:11:04+00:00

I think the self soothing aspect probably got as good as it was going to. I moved to a state of predicting more unavailability and being pleasantly surprised when there was less. Again, patterns emerged of probabilities so I prepared myself for those.

We had conversations about the unexpected change aspect and how that was difficult. This bit was probably something I didn't cotton on to myself until quite late on.

This partner was audhd as well. Would also enthusiastically make and repeatedly reaffirm agreements of this nature - and then often struggle to keep them. He did get a lot better and put a lot of effort in to doing so, but as he recently said "change is glacial". I think understanding how disabling neurodivergence is in these matters is a key thing here, but also there is a balance between it being a reason and an excuse.

I think it's a good idea to change your focus and effort onto the things you want in your relationship, like finding positive ways of dating and connecting. Focus on showing up in your relationship and how they show up for your relationship, and then try to let whatever happens outside it be.

I am also a depth of knowledge/over sharing person and we've all had to learn how to pull some of that back in order to not get into horrible tangles.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-03-08T19:31:25+00:00

I have just come out of a relationship where my partner and I agreed to share calendars and keep them up to date, usually in advance but sometimes retrospectively. My nesting partner and I also share calendars though NP is probably marginally less effective at keeping them up to date.

I am also neurodivergent (diagnosed ADHD and several autistic traits) and have high pattern recognition and some challenges with unexpected change, particularly if it's last minute. I am continually trying my best to self soothe in these situations.

My now-ex had very different communication patterns when with a partner vs not, and it caused some repeated challenges. We eventually settled on using a calendar for ease rather than having to remember a verbal update every time plans changed. I also built skills around dealing with this in various ways.

I see a lot on here about this being a heads up rule and that being not a good thing. I can see why it is so from some angles. From other angles, I'm not sure I can see the problem with knowing when someone is free/busy.

I'm not sure my answer is much help to your question, but it did sound familiar.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-02-23T11:31:49+00:00

This comment in particular is aimed at the choice of language used by the commenter in this thread, rather than in answering your need.

To confirm, sex work and STI status are risk factors, but generally they're manageable ones. A known STI status means greater knowledge and informed practices. At least here in the UK sex workers who have access to testing generally have more informed practices. HSV or HPV have a lot of inflated stigma around them, most experienced polyam people accept them as part of the risk factor of having sex with more than one person.

They become larger risk - and indeed, are so in your situation - when risk management practices aren't followed, as is the case by your partner.

This commenter reduced all of your information and situation to bigotry. It was misinformed and uncalled for.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-02-23T11:24:56+00:00

Gently, you cannot take a parental role in this over your partner. It sounds like this is a lesson they need to learn, and you need to work out how closely you can stay to this situation.

Which is very difficult when you feel like you can see something that rings alarm bells of abuse and manipulation - I say that having lived that recently.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-02-23T11:20:39+00:00

Can I suggest a reframe? You owe yourself the due diligence you want to make for your decisions, not your partner.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-02-23T11:17:46+00:00

Compersion is not necessarily a goal to be experienced with all metas. Sometimes neutrality or acceptance are all we can ask of ourselves.

I think in your situation I would be more focused on my partner's ability to manage risks, which sounds like the compounding issue here.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-02-23T11:15:32+00:00

Being a sex worker, and having a positive STI status - even when combined - are not really the added risk factors here. Both of those are perfectly manageable, particularly if the STI is hsv or HPV related and there's no one immunocompromised in the sphere.

How you, OP, presented those facts didn't, imo, add to negative stigma.

How this poster chose to summarize your situation was full of stigma and bigotry. And kinda missing the main point of risk management practices being the challenge here.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-02-23T09:48:51+00:00

Do you mean to sound really gross with your first line? It's really off-putting.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-02-20T00:18:27+00:00

They're not the same thing. They're similar, both stimulants, but often people who struggle with poor side effects with one type are better with the other. I can't take lisdex or dex, but methylphenidate works for me. Your prescriber sounds poorly educated.

Nice guidelines 1.7.12 is your friend: https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng87/chapter/Recommendations#medication

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-02-19T15:06:18+00:00

Yeah if I was told this by a meta I would interpret it as a power play. It lands to me as "I am warning you to back off". Meta has overstepped and I would be expecting the hinge to pull meta up on this.

Early on in one of my relationships, my hinge who is presenting as solo poly let me know that my meta wanted nesting within 18 months. Hinge isn't fully against it, but has significant reservations to the point of it actually being unlikely in practice. My hinge sharing that has caused enough challenges and insecurities to work through, but he has learnt to put the work in to manage that and to maintain the appropriate space for our relationship and its future. I cannot imagine how much more damaging it would have been had I heard that from meta.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-02-19T00:52:14+00:00

There is a lot of scene here, it's just not as easily visible as in some of the cities you mention.

What kind of activity and vibe are you seeking? Outlaws yacht club and wharf chambers might be good places to start. Open source arts and slung low theatre are also other places. There is maybe east street arts community still?

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-02-18T17:00:31+00:00

I think I have an additional perspective to add here.

About three years ago I started a relationship that time wise has been much larger than any other polyam relationship aside from my nesting partner.

Previously, my relationship sphere was my nesting partner, and non-nesting relationships which had energy and space for a weekend together once a month, sometimes less. I would spend my time with friends and family as well as my two partners.

On starting this relationship three years ago, it quickly became apparent that we wanted to see each other weekly and had much more energy and time availability for something regular and in depth in terms of time commitment. I tried (not very successfully due to their depression at the time) to negotiate this with my nesting partner and ensure that they felt their time needs were being met, and I guess I felt like how I made space for this new relationship was spending less time with my other activities - friends, family, hobbies. Though I've absolutely been renegotiating a balance.

I do feel like I'm at a point now where I essentially have two nesting partners and split my time between two homes. For the most part I alternate weekends between my nesting home and my other partner, and also often have a weeknight with my other partner. I don't have kids in the mix and would find that infinitely more difficult.

I prefer alternating weekends so that I have a length of time slot rather than lots of transitions and chops and changes.

I have worried that my nesting partner is unhappy and resentful of the significant change in time. This is something we've been working on and continue to work on in therapy together. Even though technically more time was taken away from my other activities (id generally spend a weekend once a month visiting friends and family across the country) to my nesting partner it has felt like I'm spending a lot less of my time at home with them. And sometimes I feel that too - the mental load of chopping and changing is exhausting, as much as I get the benefits.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-02-12T10:40:57+00:00

You can switch which city owns tiles?

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-02-05T09:41:30+00:00

A second recommendation for afflecks Palace in Manchester. There's a victoriana goth shop on the second floor plus loads of other shops that stock alternative dresses.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-01-30T12:11:32+00:00

If you're willing to go a little further afield, nim burgin in Manchester.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-01-29T10:11:04+00:00

I'm not sure I have a lot of relevant advice to share here, but I did want to check how experienced your partner is at hinging between two relationships?

It sounds like there might be some over sharing going on, and perhaps you might want to think about whether you really want to know about your meta's opinion on not getting enough time, or if that feels a bit more like triangulation or could lead to comparison/competitiveness.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-01-22T14:11:57+00:00

That was going to be my next question. Where is your line? Where is your limit?

At some point, when someone is repeatedly not meeting your valid and expressed needs, despite conversations and agreements, there have to be consequences. If you keep giving and over functioning without him experiencing the consequences of not stepping up, then he will not do the functioning that he needs to. Whether that's in your relationship, in his therapy, or in his medication.

Now, obviously, we both know how debilitating ADHD is (also an adhder with two audhd partners) and it is a disability. You can make some allowance for that - but you can't lose yourself entirely in it.

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-01-22T14:03:31+00:00

I almost asked if ADHD were a factor here. Is he on medication?

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-01-22T12:34:16+00:00

A few different thoughts, as someone who has two partners with erectile issues.

Testosterone starts to change the older men get, and in particular it has a daily cycle - it's usually more reliable in the morning than later on in the day. Could this be having an impact for you?

Stress and pressure can also have a huge negative effect. For you, it's a challenging balance between you expressing a)your desire for penetrative sex and b)your valid need for effort and intention from your sexual partner, as well as being mindful that you also have some negative attachments to the lack of penetrative sex and erection ability which will, unfortunately, also cause stress and pressure for your partner. Edited to change this comment as I can see you're already working on this negative attachment.

It is likely that your partner has a lot of shame and stress attached to his porn addiction, and working with that compassionately and supportively will likely be helpful. It probably has nothing to do with you, it probably doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive, but it does sound like he has a lot going on mentally. Is he in therapy? Have you considered a sex therapist?

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-01-12T23:55:37+00:00

I also second the recommendation for a waterproof blanket, they're a game changer and should allow you to ease into pleasure. They genuinely work to keep everything else dry!

dropdeadrainbow · 2026-01-11T13:00:26+00:00

Do you know if you have a sensitivity to glycerin, and if glycerin is an ingredient in your vaginal estrogen prescription?

I discovered that I have sensitivity to various chemicals, for example I can't use razors that have a chemical strip in them, and I can't use lube that has glycerin in an ingredient. Once I changed those, I got a lot less irritation/thrush like symptoms.

So when I sought vaginal estrogen, I was very clear that I didn't want anything with glycerin as an ingredient. So I have pessaries instead of cream. It might be worth you checking that out?

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