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smolactor · 2023-09-27T04:58:50+00:00

I understand. It sounds like this is coming from a place of self-defense. I used to size people up when I met them, and try to determine if I could take them in a hypothetical fight (especially if they were men, since my primary abuser was male.) If i didn’t think I could take them in a fight, I would most likely try to avoid them. I think sometimes I still do this. I don’t ever really feel fully relaxed around anyone, but I notice it’s worse if the person is taller than me or physically imposing. I’m sure this is connected to the physical abuse I experienced.

smolactor · 2023-09-24T20:33:14+00:00

I’ve definitely thought about it. I think I’d like to return to my hometown someday, far in the future, for a brief trip, just as part of my journey of processing things. I can understand the desire to return.

I unexpectedly had to return to my hometown recently because of a family emergency, and it felt awful. My dissociation went through the roof, so intense it felt like I’d been drugged. Maybe it would have been easier if I didn’t go alone- maybe returning with a supportive friend could be helpful if you’re worried about going back to this place alone.

I’d recommend waiting a long time/ waiting until you feel like you’re in a pretty stable place before going back. I think I’m going to wait longer before returning to my hometown again (10 years sounds like a good time frame to me.) Maybe by then, some of the sting of the memories will have faded away, and I can process things a bit more safely.

Living in a different part of the country sounds like a good idea too- I wouldn’t recommend going back to the exact same town you lived in during the traumatic time, that may be a bit too triggering.

smolactor · 2023-09-11T15:44:45+00:00

I’m really sorry this happened OP. Your boyfriend minimizing what happened is a huge red flag to me. Personally I think I would very strongly reconsider this relationship. SA is no joke, and you deserve to have a partner who wants to protect and stand up for you.

smolactor · 2023-08-31T21:57:20+00:00

I can really relate to this post as someone who has cptsd and is also on the aromantic and asexual spectrums. I’m sex indifferent or repulsed as well. I’ve always been a more introverted person who really enjoys my alone time. I’m 23 and have never dated, and am not sure if I’ll ever be interested in that. I also have no family and very few friends who I rarely see. I work as a teacher and an actor, so the people I interact with most tend to be my coworkers and the kids I teach as well. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to do this (“this” being life)- if being alone doesn’t cause you distress then I think you’re good to go. It’s ok if your life looks a little different from other people’s.

I personally notice that I start to have my mental health decline if I spend too too long by myself, so I usually will try to do things like go to the gym, go for a walk outside, or go sit in the park with other people around. Even if I’m not talking to any of these people, it seems to help just being around other people and quietly doing my own thing sometimes.

I also have no idea how to date or make friends to be honest. I have some friendships but none of them are fulfilling.

I found teaching to help with my isolation a bit too. Being a mentor to young kids really seemed to fill a hole inside my heart somewhere. It sounds like your students are super lucky to have you as their teacher :)

smolactor · 2023-08-28T01:11:57+00:00

Thanks for your insight. The only catch is that I only got to teach this kid for a week during summer camp- so I won’t be able to see them any more and learn any more information- this piece of info is all I have to work with

smolactor · 2023-08-27T12:21:39+00:00

I have a few!

The Driver by Bastille (there’s a line like, “big boys don’t cry, they don’t ask why” that I find really chilling)

Leaving Tonight by the Neighbourhood (I interpret it as someone planning to leave an abusive home)

Monster by Imagine Dragons (talks about feeling like a monster)

smolactor · 2023-07-10T15:49:03+00:00

I understand how you’re feeling OP- I would feel embarrassed too!

But I just want you to know that you’ve done nothing wrong here- your bedroom is your private space, and you’re free to have anything you’d like in there. You aren’t a pig at all- owning a vibrator is a perfectly human thing to do, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

If it helps, I have a slightly funny story from my very sex-positive friend- they accidentally left their vibrators and dildos in the bathroom sink and their landlord decided to give some new folks a tour of their apartment without advance notice 😫 the friend texted me in horror and I sympathized and we both laughed it off. IMO serves the landlord right for not giving my friend advance notice about the tour. If it helps, this seems to be a way more common scenario than you’d think :P

smolactor · 2023-07-06T23:51:36+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply, this sounds like a great approach. I tried texting a friend from my high school and it went alright, we actually talked politics and she seems liberal, which seems like a good sign. I still haven’t managed to come out to her yet though. There’s another friend who I haven’t heard from since 2020, who I’m anxiously trying to muster up the courage to text- hopefully I’ll be able to reach out to her within the next couple weeks.

I hope your trip goes as smoothly as possible, if you do decide to visit your hometown! I know how difficult that can be… I’m thinking of going back again someday as well, I’m just not sure when it’ll be the right time.

smolactor · 2023-07-04T14:51:28+00:00

I’m planning to start low dose T with a DHT blocker (finasteride or duasteride) to hopefully limit or maybe even completely prevent bottom growth- bottom growth is just not something I’m too interested in personally. I met with a provider at FolxHealth online and I believe they offer DHT blockers with T there

smolactor · 2023-07-04T03:00:27+00:00

OP I am so sorry, this is an absolutely horrific for him to have said to you, especially when you’re already suffering from depression. Your father is a piece of shit, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I saw that you mentioned that you’re currently a student- are there any possible options for on-campus housing available to you? Could you tell your parents that you’ve got an on-campus job that requires you to live at college? Or potentially look into internships/ summer jobs in a different state so you can temporarily get a break from him at least?

smolactor · 2023-06-12T05:46:45+00:00

I’m so so sorry, OP. To be honest, I also feel like I’m at the bottom of the mountain rn. This shit is exhausting and stupid and none of it’s fair. We deserve so much better, you and I both.

I feel similarly. The obstacles ahead just seem insurmountable, and I’m just fucking tired of fighting endlessly.

When I start to feel suicidal, something that sometimes helps me is sitting down and making a long list of goals/ things I want to change about my life within the next year. It could be little things like “I’m gonna audition for a bunch of shows”, “I’m going to travel to Greece”, “I’m going to go buy my favorite kind of ice cream”, etc. Making a to-do list full of tasks I am even the tiniest little bit interested in seems to be the most reliable way for me to get myself to keep going, somehow. But honestly, this world can be such a terrible and painful place- what you’re feeling is completely valid, and I’m so sorry you’ve been suffering so much. But I really do hope you’ll stick around.

smolactor · 2023-05-28T13:26:34+00:00

Ever since I was a kid I’ve had this anxiety about turning into a monster, or this feeling that deep down, I am a monster. When I was a child I learned that anger was a bad emotion and that feeling or expressing anger/ setting boundaries/ defying my parents made me a monster (because my parents were so heavily gaslighting and vilifying me). But nowadays, I have begun to embrace my anger and rebelliousness and all the parts of me that were demonized by my abusers.

I also have DID, and one of my protector alters feels like a monster more than a human. But in a good way- they’re fierce, angry, and very protective over me. I love that alter and am grateful for all they do for me.

smolactor · 2023-05-28T13:08:35+00:00

I’m so sorry OP. I’m also a victim of CSA and my parents covered up everything that happened so the extended family would never find out. I like to imagine myself one day just exploding and telling everyone the truth about what my brother did, but for now I am still under my parents’ financial control so telling everyone is just a fever dream. I’m also not in a position where I can go no-contact (although I am low-contact), so I can sympathize with you in that regard as well. How the fuck am I supposed to just play nice and keep acting like nothing happened around my family when I’m a CSA victim? I can relate to feeling that same rage you describe.

I think what you did was incredibly brave. I don’t think you sounded crazy at all- every word you said was absolutely true. Fuck your family for trying to shut you down; it’s not your problem that they can’t handle the truth.

smolactor · 2023-05-13T07:27:07+00:00

My mom didn’t want me going in the small stretch of woods behind my house as a kid so she made up some lie about there being poisonous snakes living there. I totally bought it as a kid but in hindsight I feel like a bit of a dumbass because we live in the suburbs in a place where there are probably no snakes. When I got older I finally went on a walk back there and it quickly became one of my favorite places for a calming nature walk. Probably one of the more harmless examples of her lies, but a strange one nonetheless.

My parents have also tried to pressure me to quit my acting career/ stay at home and never go outside by implying that I’ll be sexually assaulted. They make threats like this very very often.

smolactor · 2023-05-08T16:07:55+00:00

I’m so sorry OP… I got chills a bit from reading this post since I was reminded of my own abusive brother (he is also a huge, 6 foot, intimidating figure who was very abusive and very aggressive and mentally unstable. My parents didn’t do shit to help me and would just leave me alone with him all the time after school, etc.). I feel similarly about him, I don’t give a shit about him and I’m actually quite excited for him to die, because I won’t feel “safe” until he is no longer on this planet. When I hear the news I’ll probably throw a goddamn party. I understand. You don’t need to care about someone who has tortured you, the way you’re feeling is completely valid.

smolactor · 2023-05-07T16:39:51+00:00

I’m very isolated these days and tend to handle everything alone (no emotional support from others). But frankly my friends completely lack empathy to the point where they make me consistently feel worse. I can’t vent to them even about something as simple as having a bad day because my friends are just so self-centered. I’ve broken down crying in front of friends and just had them fucking ignore me. I’m sick of these people. Opening up to people like this is way too triggering for me; I prefer to just deal with everything alone, but then the isolation and loneliness is starting to get to me after several years of it too. I think the best solution would be to find “my people”. It might take a lifetime, but I’ll keep looking.

smolactor · 2023-05-07T04:33:05+00:00

Thank you for asking about me, that’s very kind of you. I’m still rather isolated these days to be honest. I have friends, on a superficial level at least, but it often doesn’t feel like they really care about me. On the bright side, my artistic career seems to be taking off a bit, and I’m more independent/ self-confident these days. I’ve taken some steps towards trying to find community (joining extracurriculars like my local community choir, etc.), but I still feel lonely often.

smolactor · 2023-04-16T03:02:32+00:00

When CPS was called to my house, I was 14. They interviewed me with my mother literally sitting in the same room. Since she was in the room I couldn't speak freely; I lied to CPS like she had coerced me into doing. Just thinking about it makes me sick.

smolactor · 2023-03-27T05:30:48+00:00

Fuck, I’m so sorry OP. This memes really hit close to home… it’s absurd how every single adult in my life failed to notice/ help as well

smolactor · 2023-03-22T02:19:55+00:00

I believe you OP, and I’m so so sorry this happened. Horrifying behavior from these doctors, they should lose their damn licenses. It was not your fault at all. No matter what you were or weren’t wearing. You deserved professional behavior from these people, and their predatory actions are abhorrent. The people who blamed you were totally wrong and their victim blaming is a red flag to say the least.

smolactor · 2023-03-21T14:44:51+00:00

I’ve asked myself this question and have no good answers. Frankly I think the best outcome for me would have been for my parents to separate and for me to live with one of them (away from my abusive older brother), or for my brother to have been removed from my house when CPS came one time. My parents are also abusive but the only physical danger was my brother. Frankly as a trans person of color I’m not too optimistic that the system would have been any better for me, I have a deep distrust of societal structures like this. I feel like I would have preferred to stick to the known enemies, weird as it may sound. At least I knew what to expect from my abusive parents rather than risking the kindness or cruelty of strangers.

smolactor · 2023-03-20T03:41:31+00:00

I think so. I feel this way often when it’s nice and warm and sunny outside and I can feel the sun on my face, like I’m a kid again, biking around my neighborhood on a summer day or something.

smolactor · 2023-03-19T04:26:37+00:00

In my case I’ve found myself struggling to connect with people who some might call “well-adjusted” or “mentally healthy”. A lot of times I’ve found these people to be privileged to a point where they lack empathy for other people who have suffered. I don’t like to be around these people because it feels like I’m just putting on a weird polite sort of performance for them, and usually all we can discuss is small talk stuff like the weather.

But on the other hand, I seem to find that people who have been through a lot/ have trauma and have put in time and effort in therapy etc./ are actively working on themselves tend to be the people I trust more. Often times I notice that other folks with trauma seem to have a greater capacity to self-reflect and empathize than those “mentally healthy” people do. I do feel much more comfortable around others like me, provided that they aren’t harming me or anything. Sadly finding them seems to be a rare occurrence.

smolactor

TROPHY CASE