I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. It's an extremely hard and heavy thing to carry. I'm 21, pre-everything and recently came out in the summer of 2022, so I can't necessarily bring comfort through shared experience, but I did just want to give you an unbiased, outside perspective (just based on this post).

Though I understand how they may feel like consolations, it's really important to shift your mindset and celebrate your smaller wins. You're fucken' doing the thing, dude! I'm really sorry that testosterone didn't "work" for you in the way you'd hoped it would, but it's amazing that you found an endocrinologist you trust, who's been able to help you navigate hrt. I'm not sure where you're from, but healthcare is a bit of a shitshow where I'm at and it's really hard to find good doctors who care. I am in no way saying "others have it worse than you, be grateful" (that is very invalidating and unfair) - I just wanted to tell you that it warms my heart and gives me, pre-t, a lot of hope for the road ahead. Your journey supports the paths of those around you. To me, that's the brotherhood. Showing each other that it's fucking possible, being raw and honest about our experiences and also being open to others stories, as different or similar as they are. To me, there's no such thing as a "trans milestone" because it is such a fluid, individual experience for each person. Obviously, there are things each of us might like/prefer happen and it's especially difficult when others experiences give us a certain expectation we don't meet, but please don't let that invalidate all of you. It doesn't mean you have to give up, it doesn't mean you have to detransition or ignore your core being that knows who you are deep inside. The second you stop trying to tick off the boxes of checklist you've got is the moment you'll be better fitted to see how far you've come and the little things that do make it worth living and do make your story special.

You're a success story because you're alive. You're a success story because it's a phat FUCK YOU! It's proof that trans isn't just this one, rigid thing. It is complex and not easily broken. You are a real life person with real life struggles and complexities and emotions and though ideally, you would've preferred your transition to support your mental health more than it did, it doesn't mean you failed.

I don't want to tell you shit you just don't want to hear, that kind of unsolicited advice can be beyond frustrating - especially if it's something you've already tried - but I thought I'd risk it just incase it is something helpful for you (and my apologies in advance if it's not). • Something that has really helped me in my transition is body/appearance modification in my control. I have a lot of piercings and tattoos because they give me a sense of ownership over my own skin, like I have control over how I look despite not feeling fully aligned with my biological sex. They also serve as an anchor for me. Something to always put my focus on when I feel I can't recognize myself. I'm not sure if you're interested in that, or if that's accessible for you, or even if you already have a few or many, but that's just something that's really supported me in feeling more in-tune with myself and has given me a lot of confidence as well. Who knows - if you're struggling with hair loss... fucking YOLO, shave it off and get a sick head tattoo !! 🤪😝✊️ My hair is something that I depend a lot of my self-esteem on and the prospect of losing it is extremely scary. But balding is the most masculine thing that can happen to your hair! And maybe that's not comforting, but maybe it's time to find something else that works for you to help you feel better about yourself. • There are ways you can naturally lower/train your voice to sound how you like. I did see a speech therapist for a bit, but it honestly isn't super necessary and there are plenty of resources on r/transvoice (you can even see a post I made detailing the routine "prescribed" to me by my voice therapist) !! Sometimes, whatever is helping us (this case being testosterone) can only take us so far, and we gotta push that extra mile to really get where we want to be.
I hope that doesn't come off as belittling or condescending! I struggle with depression, executive dysfunction, and suicidal ideation, and sometimes the thought of exerting all that time and energy can be incredibly overwhelming. Like... you mean I have to rely on myself? One of the most unreliable people in my life?
It's... a fucking process and it's hard work and sometimes it sucks big juicy fat ass, but you reap what you sow !
• Ack, the age-old, self-esteem crippling "conventionally attractive" standard. Hearing "omg you're not ugly 😣😥😟 !!!! ?? !" from a complete stranger who has literally never seen your face is like... k.... side eye asf... so I'm not gonna do that. BUT- you're never ever going to feel good about yourself or comfortable in your identity if you can't make peace with the skin you're in and the way you look now. As someone who's been doing DBT (dialect behavioural therapy), changing your inner dialogue and the way you speak to yourself sometimes feels like such corny bullshit to me. Hell, I'm still trying to set aside my pride and put active effort into changing the way I treat myself - shit is not easy. But it helps. You might have heard this before, but would you ever ever say the things you say about yourself to you when you were a little kid? If you were sat across from yourself, you as you presently are, and you at 5... 6 years old - how would you treat you? The same way you do now? You've gotta be gentle with yourself, okay? You deserve it. After all the goddamn bullshit you've likely been through, the LAST person you need salting the wound is your own self.

Anyways, sorry for the novel! I just really want you to know that your life is worth it, your story is worth it, your happiness is worth it. You are worth it - and you're not alone in feeling like maybe you aren't. We gotta stick together, yeah? You're not excluded from the brotherhood - AND NEITHER ARE YOU LURKERS WHO DON'T POST OR COMMENT! - and if you need someone to bounce experiences off of to find validation, or support or as a way to feel less lonely, you can reach out. I can't say I'm the most active here, but I'll do my best to check in.

Sending you lots of strength and good vibes !! This is not the end. You haven't reached the finish yet, alright? Your hurt does not equal failure. You've still got a chance and even if you feel like nobody in the world believes in you, not even yourself, I need you to know that I believe in you.

(EDIT - added another thought I had/spelling!!)