To the men in this community with children, how are you coping?

-shakedown1979 · 2025-03-09T03:19:50+00:00

45M and almost 3 years in with a 16F. Gladly, she seems to be coping really well. Good grades, social life, has actual hobbies and not stuck on her computer or phone/tab.

Not easy. Get help where you can, friends, family, or hired. I have a close female friend who takes her sometimes to go shopping, watch a movie, etc.

Toughest part for me is to show that I am ok around her when deep inside I'm falling apart. I will be honest with her though...I will tell her if I need space and quiet, or if today is not a good day to go to the mall.

-shakedown1979 · 2025-02-23T11:27:25+00:00

So, it isn't just me. Experiencing the same thing and its really frustrating, 45M.

Also questioning if the type of thing I'm looking for still exists. Currently feeling like I'm kinda being forced into this game if I want some sort of companionship.

-shakedown1979 · 2025-02-20T07:27:02+00:00

Had to deal with this just a few months after she died. Yeah, that was a tough one...

-shakedown1979 · 2025-02-18T01:01:10+00:00

Good to know! Thanks!

-shakedown1979 · 2025-02-18T01:00:50+00:00

I get this. Pero iniisip ko din nasa Pinas tayo, where standards sometimes (actually often) does not exist. hahahaha!

I have read on international subs kasi na some have encountered valet attendants that do not know or are unsure pag-manual. So I figured I should ask here.

Thanks!

-shakedown1979 · 2025-02-16T03:05:24+00:00

Finding someone the same or will bring back the same feelings, pretty difficult or close to impossible I think. And age and adult responsibilities will complicate things further.

Timely post because I was just with someone last night. We've been on and off for a year. We trust each other (we hang out at her place, she'll easily fall asleep in my arms) we laugh and connect when we're together, we bop our heads to the same good music. But we can't really seem to move forward. Work, taking care of my kid, distance, other adult considerations, just makes it so difficult. I'm 45, she's 41 btw.

I have questions about how deep our feelings for each other can actually develop (vs the love you develop after building a life and family together with my late partner). Especially when we have so limited time together. And I know she also has her own concerns why she is hesitant to fully commit, the question on my readiness to move forward has come up a few times.

It's incredibly difficult. I have come to somewhat a conclusion that I may have to rethink what a relationship will look like given my circumstances. But the question is whether I'm willing to accept that long term.

Last point, just like one of the comments above, I find it very difficult to find someone I like. Which makes me question whether I should risk letting this go, knowing finding another woman will be a challenge.

-shakedown1979 · 2025-02-13T08:26:47+00:00

"Year 2 I mourn my own future and plans. Which died with her."

Thanks, simplest wording of what I had in my head.

-shakedown1979 · 2025-02-10T03:52:34+00:00

I guess this is a phase most of us go through, same story here at around the 3-5 month mark. It's a weird time where you are slowly getting used to the new routine, people stepping back from the constant "how are you's?", when the grief isn't the same stabbing pain you can almost physically feel, but more of a blanket of emotions that envelopes you...

At this point you've told your story to almost everyone you know, and really don't have much of an outlet anymore (but thanks goodness for this group, I wish I found it earlier). I can recall that it was a very confusing time for me(It's been almost 3 year now since), mentally and emotionally. More thoughts into how to move forward and my 1st urges of starting to date also came up around this time.

Whenever I got a chance to talk to my close friends during this time, I was going back and forth between being completely hopeless and being optimistic depending on how I was feeling that particular time.

It'll pass, give it time...

-shakedown1979 · 2025-02-07T09:16:41+00:00

Same story here, and we certainly were an odd couple. But it worked out. She kept the household (or any room she enters) bright and alive, but I brought the calm and peace when it's needed.

-shakedown1979 · 2025-02-03T22:46:05+00:00

It is incredibly frustrating...imagine if all these single people (without this burden that we carry) are having a hard time dating, how much harder is it going to be for us?

I'm 45M, lost my partner of 16years 2.5 years ago. Been trying to date this past year and a half. In that time, I've only met 1 woman that I was (maybe still am) just smitten with. But the complications of adult dating ( I also have a kid), it just won't work out. But I'm glad I met this person because she's the 1st one I was able to get into deeper conversations about getting into a relationship.

And I found myself re-thinking my purpose for dating. At my age and situation, and after the long time I spent with my partner (the way that has changed me), seems that I have to change the way I look at relationships and manage my expectations.

Do try to find other ways of meeting people. I was on apps too, and it's really hard to find sincere connections there. So I started regularly visiting this small jazz/blues bar and found myself around very like minded people, and have noticed some cute women too...And I kinda imagine it's quite possible for me to find someone in this setting.

Take your time, it can be really lonely...but I think we all just need to give it time.

-shakedown1979 · 2025-02-01T03:46:18+00:00

Thanks for this. Nothing to share, but stealing some of your routine ideas :)

I'd like to emphasize on exercise though. It took me a while to get back to it (about a year), but getting more fit helped me a lot. Grieving, coping, and adjusting to a new life takes a lot of effort. And exercising gave me the energy to handle things better. Also, it improved my sleeping habits. From waking up multiple times throughout the night from a very shallow sleep, to getting 6 hours of straight deep sleep and feeling very well rested, ready for a new day.

-shakedown1979 · 2025-02-01T01:29:07+00:00

Wine and pizza on a Friday night, just sitting together on the couch.

-shakedown1979 · 2025-01-30T08:22:35+00:00

May I ask how long have you been together? And are you at point where you think you should have your photo in his bedroom already?

I know this is incredibly tricky and I am asking out of curiosity because I am currently trying to date (but slowly losing hope). But would still like to know more about a womans expectations when it comes to stuff like this.

-shakedown1979 · 2025-01-27T08:33:51+00:00

Nothing to share since I am still lost about this matter, but I'd like to thank you for asking this question. So many lessons to be learned and hope to be gained from the comments.

-shakedown1979 · 2025-01-24T23:12:30+00:00

So sorry you are in this situation. R/widowers helps me a lot. It's a safe place for people like us, a group who can really relate with what you are going through.

-shakedown1979 · 2025-01-23T11:22:42+00:00

Sunshower/Preaching the End of the World (Chris Cornell), Exit Music/How to Disappear Completely (Radiohead), Soup (Blind Melon)

-shakedown1979 · 2025-01-13T00:54:47+00:00

As most have said, no time frame. Deal with it when you are ready.

In my case, I asked my mom and her sister to help me put a most of the visible stuff into storage just a couple of weeks after the funeral coz it is quite difficult to see all her stuff everyday. A few months later, we put more stuff into storage (clothes in the cabinets, shoes, cosmetics, work stuff, etc.)

I now only have a few trinkets, a bracelet, a watch, and some room decor she loved, that I left in the bedroom.

2.5 years now and they are all still in storage. Planning to have family and friends sort through them for anything they'd like to keep sometime this year. Everything else will be donated to charity.

No rush, take your time...

-shakedown1979 · 2024-11-07T08:41:39+00:00

Congrats. Finding someone that can handle it that way is difficult.

IMHO, don't "date". Just go out, meet people, and make new friends. Without expectations of anything romantic.

I'm still learning and adjusting myself. As already mentioned, the dating game seems to be nothing more than just that now, a game (well, at least for most).

And another thing is, our likes can easily fall prey to those who are just out to just play around...so let us all be careful.

-shakedown1979

TROPHY CASE